“It looks good on you,” Dixie says.
“The funny thing is, I don’t even like it that much,” I say. “I mean, it’s fine, but it’s no better than any other color. But it wore it one day in eighth grade, and Veronica said she liked it. After that, I felt like if I wore any other color, she might tell me it wasn’t flattering, or that I looked bad. So I wore that lipstick every single day for the next two years. And the thing is, she probably wouldn’t have said anything. It wasn’t even her. It was me. It was like this superstition, like when a guy wears the same undershirt for every game because he’s convinced if he wears something else, his team will lose. I was so miserably scared every second of every day even though I had what every girl wants.”
“Why didn’t you just quit?” Dixie asks, as if it’s that simple. Maybe it is.
“I guess I did,” I say. “But not then. Not until that girl. Veronica would pick on her, and I’d just stand there feeling sick. And I remember thinking, she’s so pathetic. Why doesn’t she leave Veronica alone? But she kept coming back, like a dog that wants to be kicked just so it can have some attention. I kept telling myself, why should I stand up for her if she won’t stand up for herself?
“I remember the first day I said something to her, and it was just some little cutting comment, but I felt like dirt afterwards. It didn’t make me feel good or powerful. It made me feel even smaller. And the sick thing is, that didn’t stop me. It was like, some part of me liked that. I started getting meaner because I just wanted her to finally snap and push back against all of it. But she never did.”
“She died?” Dixie asks, her eyes widening.
“No,” I say. “She tried, though. That’s when everything changed. The school got involved, saw all the horrible things we’d said to her online. Mostly it was Veronica, but I did it, too. And not just when we were together, and she’d tell me to. It was like I saw weakness, and I hated it. I just wanted to stamp it out. And the sad part is, there was no reason for any of it. She didn’t steal anyone’s boyfriend or get someone kicked off the squad. That’s the part that really fucks with my head. There was no reason.”
“Maybe not a good one,” Dixie says. “Probably she just reminded you of yourself. How bad you wanted to impress your friend, and how you felt like you couldn’t stand up to her. So you wanted someone else to.”
I nod, waiting for the ache in my throat to dissolve. “I don’t want to take you down with me,” I say. “If Devlin wants revenge, and he saw us together today…”
“You haven’t done anything to him,” she points out. “Your brother wrecked his car. Not you. There’s no reason for him to hate you.”
“Does he need a reason?” I asked. “Did he have a reason for making you the Darling Dog?”
Dixie’s cheeks redden in the fading daylight. “I mean, some other people were picking on me first. And then he came along and claimed me for him and his brothers. No one else dares to say a word to me now. I’m not saying what you did wasn’t brave and good and everything, but…” She shakes her head.
“You liked him picking on you?”
She shrugs, her face going even redder. “It’s not that,” she says quickly. “But like… I know what I look like, Crystal.” She gives me a hard look.
“You’re sexy,” I say. “You have curves. Guys like that.”
“I’m fat,” she says. “And, like, I know I’m supposed to care, but I don’t even really want to change that. I’m okay with it.”
“Which is fine.”
“Yeah, but guys like the Darlings? They want girls who are curvy like you.”
“He labeled me a dog, too,” I point out. “I don’t think it matters what you look like. They just pick people at random to terrorize everyone else into falling in line.”
Dixie shrugs. “Still. They’d never give a girl like me the time of day. When I was the Darling Dog, though…”
I rub my forehead. “Dixie. That’s fucked up. You don’t have to choose between being treated like a dog and being invisible.”
“Maybe not,” she says. “But if I want to be visible to guys like them?” She closes her eyes and groans. “And I do. I’m sorry, I know it’s as pathetic as that girl wanting your friend to pay attention to her, but oh my god, Crystal. They’re theDarlings.”
“Well, I think what he’s doing is sick. And I’m going to stop them. No more Darling Dogs.”
Dixie stares at me like I’m crazy. “You can’t do that.”
“Maybe not,” I say, standing and holding out a hand. “But I’m going to try.”
“How?” Dixie asks, letting me pull her to her feet before wiping her hands on her skirt.
“I don’t know,” I say. “But I’ve been there. If anyone understands a bully, it’s me.”
fifteen
There’s only one way to win with bullies if you don’t want to join them. My brothers have erased any possibility of joining them, and I probably couldn’t have changed their ways anyway. I made the mistake of joining a bully before. Which leaves only one option with the Darlings. Beat them.
The only question is, how?