“Okay. Not my only goal. I was fucking selfish too and I was a bumbling fool with you. But listen to me when I explain where I come from.”
“I know where you come from, Alex.”
I shook my head. “No, no. My mom...she married my dad really young and had me. She left college and gave up her dreams to follow him on the circuit while he competed. That life squeezed her and squeezed her until she had to choose to either leave or burst from the pressure. I’mnotsaying her moving back to Ireland and only seeing me once or twice a year was the right choice. She’d tell you it wasn’t. But she got desperate and that was the only way out she could find.”
Her breath quivered as she drew it in. “You saw your mom in me?”
“Yeah, boo. I saw that life squeezing you, and quite honestly, I still see it squeezing you when you talk to your parents, or when you hide shit from your brother, and Ihatethat for you.”
“You know I got that text you sent to Mo telling him not to hire me.”
My chuckle was dark. “Yep. I know. He texted me a screenshot of your screenshot. Fucked that one up, didn’t I?”
“You did.” Her eyelashes fluttered. “Do you know that when you do things like that, it feels like the same kind of squeezing you’re trying to free me from? You were trying to take away my choice.”
“Yeah.” My head bowed under the weight of my guilt. “Yeah, I know. Doesn’t matter how good my intentions were if I hurt you.”
“I couldn’t see your good intentions then. My hurt blinded me.”
“I used to be blind too, until you taught me to look up at the night sky and revealed what true beauty is.”
Her mouth twisted into a wry smile. “I haven’t liked you for a long time.”
“There’s been a lot of times where I haven’t liked you either.”
She tugged her hand from mine and brought it to my cheek, scratching gently at my beard. “I haven’t enjoyed watching your parade of women.”
“Why’s that?” I really fucking needed her to say it. I needed not to be the only vulnerable one here. My heart lay open, just as it always did, and any second, some hungry vulture might swoop down to take a peck at it if Yael didn’t cover it with hers.
Her hand flattened, thumb dragging over my bottom lip. “I’m jealous, Alex. I hate every single one of those women for having something I can’t have.”
“The thing is, they’ve never had what you have.” I covered her hand with mine. “What it seems you’ll always have.”
“I don’t have anything.”
Gripping her palm, I bit the meatiest part hard enough for her to yelp. “You do. You have everything. My heart, my soul, my brain. It’s all been yours since you saidboo. I can hate you, resent you, want to run to the other side of the world so I don’t have to see you, and that’s still true.”
She brought my hand to her mouth and bit me even harder. “You better not run to the other side of the world anymore.”
“I’m not running.” Cupping the back of her head, I pulled her forward and kissed her as well as I could on a rocking rowboat in the middle of a foggy lake. “You forgive me?”
She nodded. “Do you forgive me for being a nasty cunt to you for the last decade?”
Laughter shook my shoulders, and my forehead fell on hers. “Jesus, cool girl. The mouth on you.”
“That’s no kind of answer.”
“Obviously I like it since my ass is here. You got me to sign up to be your fake boyfriend just by batting your pitiful, hungover eyes at me. I’m a lost cause when it comes to you.”
“I’m glad.” Her hand curled around the side of my neck. “That’s still no kind of answer.”
“Did you apologize?”
Her head canted, lips twisting. “No, I guess I didn’t.” With a huff, she sat up straight, her gaze piercing and direct. “I’m sorry for when I told you you looked ridiculous wearing a housedress on the Swerve tour. You didn’t. You looked adorable and somehow sexy too.” I fist pumped at that. IknewI’d looked fly as hell, but hearing her admit it was life-affirming.
She went on. “I’m sorry I was too stuck up to dance with you at prom when it’s all I wanted to do. I’m sorry for calling you polka-dotted in front of Simone. I love your freckles. I’m sorry I took your virginity and then walked away like it meant nothing. That was incredibly crappy, and itdidmean something. I’m sorry I kept pulling you into my chaos when I wasn’t ready for you. I’m sorry for not believing you didn’t tell Harris about us. I’m sorry for hurting you when you’re the last person I’d want to hurt, even when I’m pissed off at you.” She threw her hands up. “I’m pretty sorry for a lot of the things I’ve said and done over the last decade. Not all, but a lot of it.”
Each apology was a pebble filling the crater in my chest. They stacked and settled, covering the empty space I’d lived with for as long as I could remember. The way Yael peered back at me from beneath her wet, clumped lashes pushed concrete into the pit above my heart, solidifying until there was barely a dent.