“I’ll be here to pick you up at eight.” She turns and walks out, leaving me with my mom.
“You need to move on, honey,” she pleads with me. I reach over and take my daughter from her arms.
“I’ll never be able to move on, Mom. I need to take care of Mari and build a life for us.” I take Mari with me to get dressed. I won’t ever forget what happened to me or what I had to do. I have the nightmares every night to remind me. No man would want that in his life. No man could love me when they find out about me.
* * *
Tucker
I pull my bike up to the crowded clubhouse that is all lit up for the New Year’s Eve party and wish I had just kept riding. I can’t though because my old man is still here and wants to spend time with me. I don’t even know why he came to visit me. Yeah, he loves me and is my father, but I know he’s disappointed in me. I was supposed to be a lifer in the Navy, just like him, but I punked out instead. I rotate my shoulder, loosening up the tightness that always settles in when it’s left in the same position for too long. It’s why I have a job working on a construction crew. I need to keep it moving. It’s also why I couldn’t continue being a SEAL. I knew it would be sore after the ride, but I had to get away for the day. Away from the memories that are always there. The fact that there are families out there celebrating without their loved ones because of me. I failed my team. I failed those families. I hate the holidays.
“About time you showed your sorry ass.” Wes’s deep voice cuts through the darkness.
“Why aren’t you up your wife’s ass?” I tease him. I don’t mean it. There are so many days I wish I could have what he has. I wish I was worthy to love a woman like he does.
“She’s busy.” He chuckles and holds out his beer.
“Thanks, man.” I take a big swallow, almost downing the bottle.
“Shit, guess I shoulda brought two.”
“Woulda been nice.” I laugh as we make our way through the gate into the yard.
I take in all the people. Some are talking loudly, while others are in the dark corners making out and doing other things. I spot my father sitting at a table with Harlen, June, July, and Sydney, the woman I’ve only caught a couple glimpses of. And just like before, the ground feels like it’s rolling under my boots. She throws her head back laughing as she takes a shot. Her long red hair is in waves around her shoulders. The red catches the light above her and shines, causing my breath to hitch. I’m not a sappy kind of asshole, but whenever I see her, I want to pull her into me and lay a claim on her. I don’t want any of the other unattached fuckers to even think about it. A movement beyond her catches my eye and I watch as Evan approaches and pulls June into his arms. Harlen laughs, and I want to punch one of my close friends for spending time with her. Sydney laughs when July takes a shot and Harlen tips his head back taking two shots. July is at it again, challenging Harlen to a drinking contest, and she must have roped Sydney into it. I found out her name from July and my dad the last time I saw her. She ran off before I could introduce myself, but that isn’t going to happen again.
Wes says something to me, but I ignore him and make my way across the yard to where she is seated. I stop right next to her. Everyone else has grown quiet looking at me as she continues chatting away to my father about traveling to Alaska.
“I’m Tucker.” I hold out my hand to her, and she stops and turns to look at me. Her eyes are so green I can see the ocean surf in them. It reminds me of the Mediterranean, and my tongue feels thick in my mouth. I’m about to stutter or embarrass myself.
“Hello, Tucker.” She smiles at me. “I’m nobody. Stand in line with all the other guys wanting to get to know me.” She waves her hand around the area. Harlen and July chuckle along with my dad, and I clench my jaw.
I lean down into her space. Her vanilla scent invades my senses and I’m hooked. “Sydney, baby, none of the guys here will get to know you but me.” Her eyes flare wide and she leans away from me. She looks over at July, who is trying to hide her smile. “Let me get you a drink,” I say, but the little spitfire twists in her seat and stands.
“I’ll be back.” She looks over at July again, then up at me. She’s so tiny, almost a foot shorter than me. “Tucker, it was nice meeting you, but you couldn’t handle me. There are plenty of women here that are more your speed.” She walks away as my father guffaws along with Harlen. I turn and glare at both of them before I turn back to see her enter the clubhouse that’s attached to the garage several of the guys here work at.
“Son, maybe you should give her a moment to calm down before you go after her again.” My dad is still laughing.
“If I leave her be too long, some tool is going to think he has a chance with her, and he doesn’t,” I growl as I turn toward the entrance and make my way inside. I take in the big room. People are seated at the tables and in front of the television watching the countdown in New York. I don’t see her anywhere around and it causes my skin to prickle with nerves.
Even though it’s still a couple of hours until the actual new year, I hear the boom of fireworks starting nearby. For a moment my mind flashes back to war and I have to close my eyes to center myself and remember I’m safe now. I’m no longer there. I decide to head up to my room to get away from everyone and the noise. As I round the corner to head upstairs, I make out a figure standing in the shadows. Moving closer, I see it’s Sydney, but she isn’t focused on me. She turns with wide eyes and her body trembling.
“Hey, spitfire, are you okay?”
She shakes her head and closes her eyes for a moment. Her body is shaking so hard her teeth rattle. She opens her eyes and looks up at me, and this time I can tell she sees me. But this isn’t the confident woman who was just in the courtyard bantering with me.
“Sydney, are you okay? Did someone hurt you?”
Another boom sounds from outside, this one closer and louder. She squeaks and pushes herself into the corner more. Carefully, I reach for her. Her eyes flare wider in fear, but she doesn’t pull away as I haul her into my body. There’s another bang and this time her legs give out as she clings to me. She cries out and buries herself deeper into my chest.
“I’ve got you, spitfire. You’re safe now.”
I heft her up my body and into my arms and carry her up to my room. When we get to my door, I set her down and pull the key from my pocket to unlock my room. I keep the door locked all the time; I don’t want just anyone in my space. I kick the door open and guide her inside. She still hasn’t acknowledged me, but I know what I’m witnessing. I’ve seen it many times before through my own eyes and in the eyes of others as they panic from post-traumatic stress disorder. Something has happened to her. And from her reaction, it might have been war too. Or something similar.
I hear a ringing and realize it’s her cell phone. She holds it up to me but doesn’t respond. I look at the screen and see it’s July. From my own phone, I send her a message letting her know I have Sydney and that we are okay. Again, Syd’s phone goes off. It’s a text message from July this time asking if she’s okay. I can see the preview message but can’t respond because of her passcode.
“Syd, baby, you need to let July know you’re okay.” I try to get her to come back to the present. She shakes her head, and when the next firework goes off, she jumps at me and starts clawing me trying to climb my body. I pull her into me and hold her close. She squeezes me so tight our bodies feel like they are becoming one. I lead her to the bed and lie down with her in my arms. I lie there for a while holding her while she trembles.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I open my eyes the room is quiet and she’s no longer there. I jump up from the bed and pull out my cell. It’s after three in the morning. She’s gone.