The next week dragged by, Mason had sent more emails, but I’d deleted them, unread, not able to face what he had to say. I knew my parents were worried about me as I was living in my bedroom, only coming out to shower and I could barely be bothered to do that.
I’d cleared my phone of old texts and voicemails, but Mason still text me first thing in the morning and again every night. I read those messages, and they made me cry. He told me how much he loved me and that he wanted his words to be the first thing I read in the morning and the last thing I read at night. I was beginning to look forward to his messages even though I knew I’d get upset. I never replied to him, but my lack of response didn’t seem to stop him.
I know I needed to snap out of my funk, but I just couldn’t. My parents had suggested that I ring Sarah and see about going back to work. I promised them that I would, but I hadn’t found the energy to do it yet. I wasn’t sleeping much, I would fall asleep in the day, an hour here or there and just lie awake all night, unable to switch my mind off.
Savannah had kept in touch, and we had skyped a couple of times. I’d asked her not to talk about Mason, but Savannah being Savannah had taken no notice. She’d told me that Amber was hanging around the ranch, and had even tried to move some of her stuff into Mason’s cabin while he was out working one day. Apparently, Mason had gotten mad at her and physically escorted her off the ranch himself. She was obviously trying to establish herself in his life now that I was no longer in the picture.
I’d been at home just over a week when I woke up from a fitful night’s sleep, feeling like I needed to see Mia. I threw some clothes on and grabbed my phone, noticing that I hadn’t had my usual evening or morning texts from Mason. My heart clenched at the thought that he’d probably had enough of being ignored, and had given up. I couldn’t blame him; I knew this day would come.
I padded downstairs finding my Mum in the kitchen. “Hey Mum,” I said, reaching in the fridge for some juice.
“Morning sweetheart.” She said, trying but failing to hide the shock on her face at seeing me up and dressed. “How are you feeling?”
My parents had tried numerous times to talk to me since I’d come home, but I’d brushed them off, telling them that I didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m okay. I’m going to visit Mia’s grave. I’ll be back in a bit.” I said, finishing off my juice and putting my glass in the sink.
“Okay honey, I’ll see you later then.” She replied with an encouraging smile. I gave her a small smile back before leaving the kitchen and heading for the front door.
It was a short walk to the cemetery, and when I got to Mia’s grave, I sat down in front of her headstone, brushing some dirt off with my good hand. I sat in silence for a while staring at the letters that made up her name. “God Mia, I’ve so much to tell you. I wish you were here. I miss you.” I said, my words being carried away on the wind.
I spent the next hour or so pouring my heart out to her. I felt close to her here, and I had hoped to feel better after talking to her, but I didn’t. Wiping the tears from my eyes I stood up, tracing my fingers along her name, something I had taken to doing every time I visited. As I turned to leave, I noticed Mia’s Mum, Mrs Green, sitting on the bench across the cemetery. When she saw that I was leaving, she stood up and started to make her way over to me.
My heart pounded in my chest, I hadn’t seen her since she visited me in hospital. I had avoided her, knowing that she blamed me for Mia’s death. Now she was standing right in front of me, and I had no idea what to say to her.
“Libby honey, how are you?” She asked, throwing her arms around me. I was taken aback by her greeting, and it took me a few seconds to hug her back.
“Hello, Mrs Green,” I said shyly, dropping my eyes to the ground when she pulled out of the hug.
“I saw you talking to Mia, and I didn’t want to interrupt, I sat on the bench until you’d finished.”
I lifted my eyes to hers. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were waiting or else I would have gone sooner.” I rushed out, my cheeks flushing.
I saw her frown, and she reached for my hand, holding it in her own. “No Libby, I want you to spend as much time as you want with Mia. I know how much you’ve struggled since she died. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to hurry up your visit. You’re welcome here anytime you want. Mia loved you, and I love you too.”
I looked at her in surprise. “You do?” I asked her.
“Of course I do, why would you think otherwise?” She asked me, frowning again.
“I just thought…” I trailed off, not knowing how to say what I meant.
“You thought what honey?” She prompted.
I took a deep breath. “I thought when you visited me in the hospital, that you blamed me for the accident, that you wished it was me who had died instead of Mia,” I whispered.
I heard her breath in sharply, and her hand came up to cover her mouth. “Oh Libby, is that why you’ve been avoiding us all this time?” She asked. I nodded my head. “I am so sorry that we gave you that impression, that is definitely not the case sweetheart. We were grieving and distraught, but we would never have wished that you had died instead of Mia.” She pulled me in for another hug and held me tightly. “We just wanted to know that you were okay. I’m so sorry.” She said again.
“It’s okay,” I told her. “I should have talked to you, it’s my fault.”
“It’s no one’s fault honey, just a misunderstanding.” She paused before changing the subject. “Your Mum told me you’d gone to your Aunt’s ranch in Texas. Did you have a good time?” She asked me with a smile.
I attempted a smile back and nodded my head, not wanting to talk about it. “I’d better go, I’ll leave you to talk to Mia,” I told her, turning to leave.
“Libby, don’t be a stranger, me and Mia’s Dad would love to see you, if there is ever anything you need, you know where we are.” She hugged me again before I left. It was a relief to know that Mia’s parents didn’t blame me for her death. I’d spent the last five months avoiding them, afraid to see the pain etched on their faces when they looked at me, when in reality it had all been in my head.
I walked back slowly, I was in no rush to go home, it wasn’t like I had anything to do when I got there. I needed to decide what I was going to do with my life, back at the ranch I was considering Uni, maybe I should look into finishing my degree here.
As I closed the front door, I could hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen. Not feeling up to making conversation, I crept past the closed door and started up the stairs. When I was nearly at the top, I heard my Mum call out. “Libby honey, is that you? Can you come in here for a minute?” I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. I slowly turned around and came back down the stairs.
I put my head around the kitchen door, hoping that I could just say hello and escape up to my room. My Mum was standing with her back to me making a drink. “Did you want me, Mum?” I asked her.