I put my bag back on the chair and walk back over to the bed, standing in front of him as he gently rubs his hands against my legs.
“The insomnia isn’t because of the nightmares though. Sometimes, I just can’t sleep.”
“Well, the cocaine probably doesn’t help with that.”
He nods slowly. “It just helps take the edge off sometimes. I don’t make a habit out of it.”
I chuckle involuntarily. “Said every drug addict ever.”
“Really?”
The look on his face is enough to make me feel like an ass. “No, but I don’t like it. Your friends may not give a shit, but I care too much about you to sit back and watch.”
He rolls his eyes. “I did just fine before I had you to look after me, and I’ll be fine after you’re gone.”
His words hit like a punch to the gut, and I pull back from him. No part of me had even thought about the fact that this relationship has an end date. Then again, how could it not? I’ll be going away to college, and he’ll probably stay here. I’d be naive to think we could make something like long-distance work.
“Is that what I am to you? Just something to pass the time until I go off to school?”
“What? No. Don’t be stupid.”
I cross my arms in front of my chest. “Then why would you even be thinking about when I’m gone?”
“Because you will be!” he roars. “I don’t like it, but the fact of the matter is you’re going to go off to some prestigious university and find your Prince Charming—and I’ll be left here. Without you.”
“Yeah, that’s one possibility, but it’s not the only one.”
His brows furrow, and a dry laugh leaves his mouth. “Please, enlighten me.”
“You could come with me.”
“Follow you like a little fucking puppy? No thanks.”
I throw up my arms exasperatedly. “No, you dense prick. You could stop fucking around at school and actually do your work. You could get your grades up, take the SATs, and go to college—instead of letting life trample all over you.”
“I’d never get into the places you’re looking at.”
“Maybe not, but there are tons of schools you could get in that are near the ones I’m considering.”
“That’s a whole lot of work for some chick. Why would I do that?”
My shoulders sag in defeat. “Because this chick happens to be falling in love with you.”
The confession is not one I expected to make, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Knox’s eyes widen, and for a second, I start to regret not keeping it to myself. After a minute of being completely silent, the vulnerability in his eyes is clear as day.
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” he pleads.
My whole body relaxes, and I place myself in his lap. “I’ve never meant anything more.”
19
KNOX
I lie awake in bed, not able to fall back asleep if my life depended on it. The nightmare I had plays through my mind on a loop. It was the same memory, only with a sick twist. As I stood there, staring at Grayson, everything changed. Instead, it was Cal hovering over the dead body, and it was Delaney lying at his feet. I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved to wake up in my life.
No part of me wanted to tell Delaney anything about where my head’s been at. The last thing I need is another reason why I’m not good enough for her. However, as she went to leave, especially in the middle of the night, I knew I’d do anything to get her to stay. I’ve been going to training and even fought the other night to make up for the one I missed, but I don’t know where Cal’s head is at. For all I know, he could hurt Delaney just to get back at me.
I think back on the conversation she and I had before she fell back asleep—the confession she made that basically killed me and brought me back to life all in the same breath. Once, while drunk, Hailey told me something similar. My reaction was to kick her out of my house and not talk to her for over a week, until she swore it was just alcohol-induced stupidity and she didn’t mean it. However, hearing it slip from Delaney’s lips was something entirely different. I wanted her to mean it, hoped and fucking prayed that she wouldn’t take it back.