“The summer before,” was all Kit had to say.
“They were always so much smarter than me.”
“You saw them that way. Henry may have been smart, but Hanna was struggling with school. They were not as perfect as you remember them being. With their passing, we were all able to paint them in a better light.” Kit’s words were true; her siblings had never been perfect until they were gone.
“You didn’t know them,” Hazel said. She hadn’t known Kit beyond that she was a Nordskov before the wedding. She had been around, but they were not close.
“I knew Hanna. Maybe not as well as you did, but I knew her. Enough that I see her when I see you. To wonder what she would have been like now, if they would still be together? What their kids would have looked like? Yes, it all runs through my head when I see you. But that’s not your fault,” she added quickly and took her hands. “You have never been at fault for not being in that car. For looking like Hanna. For living.”
“It would have been better if it had been me. I have not done anything with my life.”
“Tell that to that little boy down the hallway, Hazel. Tell that to Ruston, who doesn’t want to live without you. Or the book club, who loves you.” She ticked off the people on her fingers.
“But they were going to college. They were going to make something of themselves.”
“And maybe they would have fallen flat on their faces—we will never know. All we know is that they had what they had and were happy. I have felt guilty about those months before the accident. I knew that they were drinking and partying, and I even knew that Jamie and Hanna were having sex. But I’m letting go of that guilt because they only had that time. We have the future to look towards, but they only had that day,” Kit said slowly and softly, letting the words linger.
“They should have had more time,” Hazel whispered and felt Kit hug her. A tight hug.
“But they didn’t. We have to be happy with the time they had. Enjoy the memories and forget the guilt.” Kit held her close.
“Did she love him? They were having sex, but did she love him?” she asked as Kit finally let her go.
“Yes, I think so.” Kit paused and took a deep breath before adding. “She was pregnant, and they were going to keep the baby.”
“She never said,” Hazel said in shock. Her sister had been pregnant that day? But she was going to college and was going to be a teacher? What about her plans? What about her future? Would she have loved being a mom as much as Hazel did?
“I think they were going to tell everyone the next week. That was what they had told me. But I don’t know for sure. They came to me for advice because I had been there. I should have told you before, but I didn’t know how you would take it. I didn’t want to upset you.”
“I wish she would have said. Talked to me.”
“I think she would have, one day. But time ran out.”
“Four died that day,” Hazel whispered more to herself than to Kit, except Kit was so close she heard.
“What?”
“We came into the world as three, and they died as three. I always felt Jamie took my place, stole my place.” Now she was thinking that they died together because they were supposed to be together, that she was no longer a part of that group, another group of three without her. Had they all just grown apart by then?
“Hazel, did you ever think that if you had been in that car, you might have lived? Like Natalie? Survived it? Not everyone in the car died.”
“No, I would have died with them.”
“That’s what Natalie thinks, but she lived. I think you would have lived also. After all, he chose you for Ruston.”
“You too?” She wished everyone wasn’t on this God’s plan thing. “Do you think we can get over this?”
“I hope so, Hazel, because I think we accidentally fell for guys who are best friends.” Kit hugged her tight, and she swore she was going to make it work. For Ruston. He taken so many chances by choosing her, it was time for her to take a few of her own.
CHAPTER30
Ruston had stayedat the church until he saw Kit leave with her young son. When she had walked across the road, he went to see what state his wife was in. He hoped he was right by giving them space and time to clear up what was between them. That they could clear it up.
Hazel had been distant since Friday night, and he had let her have her space. It was the first time in their marriage that he had sensed she really needed space, so he let her have it. But now they needed to talk about it.
Opening the door, he saw Hazel quickly cleaning the toys the two boys must have taken out of John Henry’s room. Her eyes met his, and he saw panic cross her face before she grabbed a few more and hurried to the boy’s room.
“Ruston!” John Henry ran to him. Smiling at the boy’s enthusiasm, he grabbed him into his arms. The boy was jabbering about something Ruston couldn’t understand as Hazel came back into the room.