Since Hazel had so few family members, she invited the book club and their significant others to be her family. Having them there had given Hazel familiar faces in the sea of Ruston’s family.
Later that night had been her bachelorette party with the book club. Anderson had been kicked out, and the women had taken over Ruth’s apartment. They had drunk and talked until the wee hours of the morning and finally went to bed only after Mandy and Mia had fallen asleep on the couch.
She loved her friends and how they had made her feel special all evening. In reality, they hadn’t even treated her all that special—it was how they had always treated her. Like she wasn’t just one of the triplets or a farmer or a single mother. That she was more than that.
Despite it being late when she had gone to bed in Ruth’s spare bedroom with Natalie, she had not been able to sleep. Lying awake, she wondered when the last time she had slept with Natalie had been, but she had been unable to decide when it was. In her mind, she could pinpoint dozens of times, but not the last one. All she knew was that the last time she had slept with her friend, she had not snored. Now she did.
Knowing she would never get any sleep in bed with Natalie anyway, she quietly got up and went to the bathroom. After washing her face, she looked in the mirror. Today was her wedding day. Staring into her hazel eyes, she knew what she had to do today. Sometime. Now.
Leaving the bathroom, she headed for the door, grabbing her coat as she left and shutting the door behind her. Suddenly glad she was in town for the night because the walk would be short. Down the stairs to street level, she headed north and was glad it wasn’t so chilly that morning. It could have been freezing by this time in October, but so far, it was still fairly mild out.
Her feet took her quickly down block after block through her hometown. Though she had never walked some of these streets, they were familiar to her. As the church came into view, her steps slowed. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this.
Just keep walking, her mind told her as she stepped onto the grass in the cemetery. She had never been this close before, and each step brought her closer until she saw the stone. It was white. And she had seen it from a distance, so she knew which one it was. It didn’t matter that she had never seen it up close before. It was the grave she always saw when she was here. The only one she ever saw.
Glancing over, she saw her grandfather’s grave with its fresh dirt. She still couldn’t feel the pain of losing him. She had lost him years before; it had just taken years to realize it. There was no stone for him yet, but soon.
When she got as close as her legs would carry her to it, she sunk to her knees in the wet grass, not caring that she would be getting her jeans dirty. It didn’t matter. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here,” she whispered into the chilly morning as the sun started to come up. “It’s been hard for me.”
The sound of a gentle breeze shifting the dry leaves that still clung to the trees was the only sound. Somehow, she expected more from her being there—a sudden storm, or tornado, or even a flood. Not quiet, normal sounds.
“I’m getting married today. I think you guys would like him, but even if you don’t, I do. You guys never liked the same things as me anyway.” She smiled through her tears. “I wish you were going to be here today. I, we, are standing in front of the church alone, so you two have room to watch. I don’t want you to miss it.” She pulled a blade of grass and looked at it, needing to focus on something other than the stone with the names and the dates on it. Dates so final.
“I’m friends with Natalie again. We needed to get past your accident. Thank you for being there for her all these years. She needed you too. She’s getting married to Mr. Sullivan, and it’s as weird as it sounds, but she’s so happy. She had to get over you sometime, Henry. You will always be her first love.” Her legs were going numb, so she shifted to sit cross-legged. “I don’t think it’s a surprise she fell for him. She had it so bad for him senior year. Sorry, Henry, we didn’t tell you. But to be fair, you should have seen it also.
“Grandpa is with you guys now. Grandma won’t be here long. They changed when you left, and she blamed me for being alive. It made me bitter and sad. It kept me from healing. But I have to, guys. I have to be a better person for Ruston. He deserves so much more than me.” She took a breath of chilly air.
“But I’m going to marry him anyway because I am selfish. I want him for me. I’ve spent so many years not doing anything for me, but today I am going to. Today I am going to marry the man I love, who loves my son and me. Even if he realizes tomorrow what a huge mistake marrying me is, at least I get one day.” The tears were dripping from her eyes, forming a pool of water in the folds of her coat.
“I have a son now. He’s almost four. I was so excited when I got pregnant, but I wasn’t supposed to be. I was in college and in no way ready. He’s been my everything since he was born. I don’t know if I would have made it without him. I was a mess. But at least they wouldn’t have had to order me a gravestone, right?”
She looked at her name in the middle of her siblings’ names. Like always, alphabetical. She had sat in the office next to her grandparents as they ordered it, without asking if she wanted her name with theirs. At the time, she had decided that she would be with them soon, so they might as well put her name on it. To her surprise, it was harder to add her last date to it than she had thought it would be.
“I cannot promise that I’ll be back. I don’t know if I can do this again. But I’ve put your pictures up in Ruston’s house—our house—so I can remember the good times. Because I’ve dwelt on the bad times for too long, I need to start remembering the good times.” Pushing herself to her feet, she looked at their names chiseled in stone. “I love you guys and miss you every day.”
Turning, she walked away from them, hoping that she would have the strength to visit again. Time would tell.
CHAPTER22
Even in his sleep,Ruston knew that Hazel was beside him. He pulled her cold body into his before he was even awake. The fresh air on her cold skin woke him completely.
“What are you doing here, Hazel? We’re not supposed to see each other for hours.” Or at least that was the plan Natalie had created. Neither of the actual couple had agreed or disagreed with it.
“I needed you now. I needed to be in your arms, just for a little bit. Then I’ll go,” she whispered.
“I love you.” He smiled and kissed the back of her head.
It was something he told her nearly every day. And even if she hadn’t said it once, he was sure she felt the same. It was in her actions and the fact that she no longer was against the wedding.
Within moments she was sleeping. Her cold body warmed in his arms as he held her to him. Today she became his forever.
He didn’t really believe in the superstition of seeing the bride before the wedding. But he also didn’t really want to take chances with Hazel. Then again, here she was, and there was no way he could send her away.
How had she made it past everyone in the house? Thomas was on the couch, and his parents were on a blow-up mattress in John Henry’s room with him. All his brothers and families had driven the two hours home and would make the trip back before the wedding. There were no hotels in Landstad. But they had said it was worth it to see Ruston get married.
Looking down at the woman who was going to be his wife today, he gently touched her cheek. He missed the dimple when it was gone. If he had to put money on it, he would have guessed she would run before she would be in his bed this morning. But she had changed since the first time they had slept together. He wondered if she was more like the Hazel she used to be or if it was a completely new Hazel coming through.
The last two weeks had been surprisingly easy. Since the wedding was small, there had been less stress. Even the funeral hadn’t been the landmine of pain for Hazel that Ruston had expected. In fact, the funeral had just made it easier to invite people to the next event.