“Why don’t you say anything? Does this affect you at all?”
A spurt of anger rushes through me. “Of course it fucking affects me, but what do I do, Seb? What the fuck do I say, or do to change what has happened?”
He shakes his head, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white and all I can envision in that moment is me wrapping my hands around Cole’s neck, strangling the filthy fucking life right out of him.
“I didn’t send the fucking audio. It wasn’t meant to be heard by anyone but the guys.”
Sebastian laughs bitterly. “Oh, so that makes it better because it was only meant to be heard by you and your dumbass friends. Cool, while it shouldn’t have been recorded at all.” I can tell he’s barely restraining himself and I don’t even care that he’s taking her side, he should, and I’m glad she has him. She needs someone to protect her, because that’s not me. I’m a failure, a pathetic bastard.
“No, it doesn’t. It was a fucking mistake, and one I will regret for the rest of my life. But aside from that, I didn’t send it out. I just want you to know that.”
“Then who the fuck did?” He gives me a disbelieving look as he pulls into the administration building parking lot.
“Cole Becker.” Simply saying his name out loud angers me. He shakes his head and I know he doesn’t believe me. Why should he? Everything I’ve done, the bet, the recording, the way I’ve treated her. All of the horrible things point right at me.
“It doesn’t look good for you, Rem, not at all. You’ve got a history with women at this school, and you’ve done some bad shit in the past. I can tell you now that you had better prepare yourself for what’s to come, because it’s going to be bad.”
I shrug. “I don’t care what they’re going to do to me.”
Nothing could be as bad as watching the one woman you love more than life tell you that she hates you, and never wants to see you again. Nothing…and I mean nothing can hurt worse than that. So I’ll take whatever they give me, because God fucking knows I deserve it.
Sebastian doesn’t say anything and instead parks and kills the engine. When he opens his door, I suck in a calming breath and climb out of the car, walking around to the front of it.
They can do their worst…say whatever they want, punish me however they please, but nothing will touch the pain I already feel, the guilt and shame that coats my insides like sludge.
I did this.
I broke her.
I ruined us.
Chapter Twenty
Jules
I’ve been standing under the spray of the shower for so long that the water has turned completely cold. Oddly, I don’t feel cold. I don’t shiver or crave warmth. I don’t feel much of anything right now. I’m only in the shower because Sebastian made me. I had no desire of being here. If it were up to me, I would still be in bed staring at the ceiling, which is all I’ve wanted to do the last two days.
“Jules?” Sebastian’s muffled voice comes through the bathroom door. “You okay?”
No. I’m not okay. I don’t know what I am right now but okay is not the word I would use to describe me right now. Numb. Broken. Those would be much better words, but I don’t tell him that either. I don’t have the strength to use words, and I’m sure I don’t need to use them either. Sebastian knows everything already.
“You’ve been in there forever. Come on out, I made us some lunch.”
I turn off the water and step out of the shower, my movements almost mechanical, just like the way I’ve been feeling. Like a machine, a robot with basic functions without feelings.
Drying off, I get dressed, picking clothes from the pile of folded clothing on the vanity that Sebastian had laid out for me. I open the door and find Seb still standing in the hallway waiting for me. He gives me a soft smile and I know I should smile back. It’s the polite thing to do, it’s what normal people do. Yet, I can’t get my lips to curl up even the slightest bit.
Will I be like this forever? The thought doesn’t really bother me, not like I know it should. We sit down at the kitchen table where two plates with little sandwiches are waiting for us. Turkey, muenster cheese, on rye bread with apple slices. It’s my favorite which is exactly the reason Seb made it. Unfortunately, I still don’t have an appetite, so I just stare at it for I don’t know how long until Seb pushes the plate even closer to me and orders me to eat. Picking up the sandwich, I take a small bite.