“Jules, I really think you should talk to someone,” Sebastian starts, his voice soft. “You know you can talk to me, but if you don’t feel comfortable, you can talk to someone else. I can have someone come here, you wouldn’t even have to go out.”
I continue chewing the food in my mouth without even looking at him. I don’t want to talk to him or anyone else. I just want to forget and be left alone. All I wanted when I came back here was a normal life. I had already lost so much, and then I lost it all, all over again.
“I’m sorry I made you come to family dinner, Jules. I was stupid not to see it then. I didn’t understand why you were freaking out over seeing him. I had no idea how bad it actually was. Fuck, Rem has done some fucked up shit…but what he did to you…I never in a million years would have thought he was capable of something like that.”
His name elicits an emotion, anger, or maybe sadness? I don’t know…but what I do know is that I don’t want to hear his name, not now, maybe not ever.
“He’s going to pay for hurting you, Jules. He’s my brother and I love him, but he had no right to do what he did. He had no fucking right.” Seb slams a clenched fist down on the wooden table, but I don’t even flinch at the action.
“Please…” My throat is raw, making it hard for the word to come out. “Please stop, Seb.” I stare at him blankly, and he nods, holding his anger in, swallowing it down. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him this mad before.
“I’m sorry…” He blows out a harsh breath. “I’m just trying to understand it all and I’m pissed because I can’t. I don’t understand.” I don’t tell him that I am too, that I’m so broken inside it hurts to breathe, to feel the stupid organ inside my chest beat. Heartache shouldn’t hurt this bad, but this isn’t just heartache, this is betrayal too.
I can live like this if it means I never have to face him again, if it means I never have to think about what happened. If I don’t think about it, then it never happened in the first place.
Grabbing my plate, I get up and dump it into the trash, then I place it in the dishwasher and walk back toward the hall.
“Jules.”
I blink, registering that he’s saying my name, but I ignore it. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think, or even feel. Life is better without those emotions…it’s better without the pain.
???
Another three days pass, each day consisting of the same thing. Wake up, shower, eat, lay in bed, eat, rinse and repeat. Seb doesn’t try and talk to me about him again and I’m thankful for it. Today, I sit in the living room instead of the bedroom, which I suppose is a small step forward. I don’t really know. I have no ambition to be anything. All I’m doing is living my life as a shell of the person I was once before.
I look out the window, staring into the back yard, staring into the nothingness. I can hear Seb in his office, moving things around. His phone rings and a second later he answers it.
“Yeah, I know.” His voice is monotone, much like my life now. “Well, he did this himself. Suspension is the least of his worries, right now.” I should feel something, anything hearing Seb talk about him being suspended, but I don’t care. I have no emotion toward the things I’m hearing.
Anger, sadness, hate, those feelings are long gone, left behind with the old Jules.
“She’s doing as good as someone who went through what she did is going to.” Seb sounds frustrated, but I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for involving him. I needed somewhere to go, somewhere I know no one would be able to touch me, talk to me.
“Yeah, I’ll let you know if anything changes.” Silence settles over the house once again. Seb’s chair scrapes against the wood floor and a moment later, I feel his presence in the room. He doesn’t say anything, and I wonder if maybe he walked away.
Then his throat clears. “Dad wants to see you…talk to you…”
I swallow thickly at his words but don’t respond. I have nothing to say, and him coming here and talking to me will change nothing.
Seb comes around the couch to face me, his features are tight, worry creases his forehead, and I wonder why I ever came here. Looking at Seb is like staring at an older version of him. The nightmare, my ruin. Seb sits down beside me, his hand grabbing onto mine.