“Go on.” I inhale and brace myself for bad news.
“Each time I cheated, I knew I was hurting you. I felt bad for my actions after the fact. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. There were these urges, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t control them. After you left, I lost it. I thought I was going insane. In my crazed state, I challenged your father to a fight. He could have killed me that day, and I would have deserved it. As much as I wanted to change and to control my urges, I couldn’t. With the help of my parents, I checked into a six week residential sexual recovery program for men.” He pauses and looks at my face. There is fear in his eyes. “Kate, I’m a recovering sex addict.”
“Wow,” I breathe out.
“I’ve been in recovery for almost three years now. I still see my therapist once a week. He’s helped me work through so many issues. Issues that I didn’t realize I had.” He chuckles. “I hope you don’t think I’m weak.”
“Weak?” I squeak out. “Why would I think you’re weak?”
“My addiction.” He reaches for my hand.
“Ian, I don’t think you’re weak. It takes a brave person to admit they have a problem. You did that. You admitted you had a problem that you needed help with… and got the help you needed. I’m so proud of you for that.” I squeeze his hand. I’ve often wondered why I was never good enough for him, this answers so many questions. “I’ve also been in therapy… back in New York. Although mine was so I could forget you and move on.” I wrinkle my nose and bite my lip.
“You have?” Ian pulls my hands to his chest.
“I have. Seems like we’ve both been working on ourselves over the years.” I smile as he cups my jaw. “How are your urges?” I hate to ask and ruin a tender moment, but I need to know.
“They’re completely controlled… with the exception of you. This is going to sound like I’m lying, but I don’t see women like I used to. The thought of being with any other woman but you, makes my stomach turn.” He looks down then back at me.
“You’re right, that does sound like a lie.” I laugh.
“Yeah, I know. I’m not going to lie, I can look at a woman and think she’s beautiful, but the urge to conquer and have her isn’t there. However with you… the need is very much there. It’s not just about sex though, it’s about love.” He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “It’s about showing you what it is like to have a mate that worships the ground you walk on.” Ian kisses the palm of my hands. “I have an idea. Would you like to join me for therapy? We can work on us together.”
“Yes, Ian. I would love to.” Without hesitation I answer him. Trust is a hard thing to restore once it’s been broken, but I think this is a step in the right direction.
We sit in a peaceful silence for a long moment, hand in hand. Just staring into each other’s eyes. They say the eyes are windows into your soul and right now I’m searching his soul for the truth. Can I trust him with my heart? Will I be able to forgive the past? Before any more doubt rises in my mind, I push down all my emotions and lock them away. Ian worked so hard putting this beautiful picnic together for us. I don’t want to ruin his efforts with my skepticism.
I pick up a strawberry and take a bite. When a little juice drips on to my chin, Ian wipes it away with his thumb. I love the way his touch makes me feel alive inside. He leans into me like he is going to kiss me. Just before his lips reach mine, I shove the strawberry into his unsuspecting mouth. We both laugh. I’m enjoying this time with him, but I’m not ready to kiss him. I need time… time to see if he really is a changed man.
We lounge around the picnic area long after we’ve finished eating. We talk about life over the past two and a half years. I tell him about studying art at the university and all the fun I have with my friend Melissa. I find it odd that every time I bring her name up, his smile turns into a frown. Why doesn’t he approve of her? I can’t help but to wonder if something happened between the two of them at my party. Thinking back to that night, Ian never left my side, so I really don’t understand what his grievance is with her. When I asked him, he said he heard two guys talking about her and it didn’t make her look like a good friend to me.
I drop the subject and he tells me about college, his time training at the palace with Zane, and the missions that he, Zane, and Kelsey have been doing over the last year. The three of them, along with pack warriors, have traveled to other territories helping other packs fight battles against rogues and blood hungry Alphas looking to take over territory. He even shows me some of his battle scars. I cringe and he quickly changes the subject, seeing my discomfort.
Now that he is finished with college and Beta training, he is back in Blue Moon territory to apprentice under his father. He will slowly take over more and more Beta duties from his father, as well as continuing missions. I’m not thrilled about the missions part, but I’m proud that they are helping others that are defenseless.
We talk and laugh for hours. This is the Ian I fell in love with. The man I can talk about nothing with for hours and never get bored. He makes me feel relaxed and calm, and I hope this feeling doesn’t fade. The sun is setting and the sounds of birds chirping gives way to the insects singing their nightly song. I love the peaceful sounds of the forest at night with the sounds of moving water in the background.
“Hey, I have an idea.” Ian leans into me.
“What’s that?” I mimic his movements and lean into him.
“Let’s go for a run. It’s been a long time since Sasha and Alex ran together. What do you say?” He rubs my leg. I remain silent for a moment, “um… it’s ok if you…” I interrupt him.
“I would have immediately answered you, but Sasha was screaming so loud I couldn’t remember how to talk.” I smile as a look of relief washes over Ian’s face. “Last one to the tree line is a rotten egg!” I shout and jump to my feet and run towards the tree line.
“Hey! Not fair!” Ian shouts. I can hear his feet getting closer to me. I’m just inches away from the tree line when his massive arms wrap around me, and I giggle. “Caught you, you little sneak.” He spins us around and he backs into the tree line, pushing me away. “I win!”
“Yes, you did. Too bad I was going to let you watch me undress as a second-place prize. Looks like I’ll be watching myself.” I stick my tongue out, teasing him.
“What? Wait, I demand a do over.” He puts his hands on his hips.
“Nope.” I shake my head.
“Wait! It’s only fair that you get the second-place prize and watch me undress.” He crosses his arms with a smug look on his face.
“Nope! Turn around, mister.” I swirl my finger in a circle in front of me.
“You can’t change the rules.” He narrows his eyes at me.