“Both of them?”John stared at her as if she’d sprouted two heads. Even the disfiguring scars couldn’t disguise the question in his expression.
“Yes, both.” She talked between pants. They’d set off slow in the cold to warm up their muscles, but by the second mile, they’d upped their speed. They were angling uphill, through snow and at altitude. Yes, her heart hammered so hard, she could hear it thrumming in her ears. Legs burning, face chilled, and heart racing—God, it was good to be alive.
His continued silence, however, nibbled at her on the ascent, and when they reached a point where the hill leveled out, she dropped from the run to a walk. A stitch burrowed into her side, and she bent at the waist, gasping for deeper breaths of the icy air. Apparently, she needed to do more high-level training. The lower oxygen content was getting to her.
“Spit it out,” she ground between harsh inhales.
Like her, John’s breathing was labored, but he didn’t seem anymore winded than her. Instead of replying, he shrugged and scanned the area around them. Silence wasn’t what she wanted from this conversation. After several long, very pregnant seconds, he said, “Walk it off, then we’ll run down.”
Sachi stopped moving and pivoted to face him. “John…what the fuck?”
“Apparently, you have two guys for that Sach. You don’t need my opinion.” Him holding out on her? Since when?
“In twenty years, you’ve never butted the fuck out of my business if you had a real concern. So either you don’t think there’s any issue, or something is rubbing you the wrong way and you don’t want to piss me off. Which is it?” Since when had John ever edited his thoughts with her?
“You’re too close.” While he continued to scan the area around them, she studied him. Rarely would she leave herself so exposed, but John missed little and she didn’t want to be Copper at the moment. That reality rocked her, and she frowned. “Too close to both of them to see it rationally.”
“So, tell me what you see.”
“No.”
Excuse me?Jaw tightening, she slammed her fist into his bicep. The blow hurt her chilled fingers more than it moved him, and he gave her a bland look. “Fuck your no. What the hell do you mean, no?”
The right corner of his mouth kicked a fraction higher. “No means—not doing it. You and the professor have something good. If you want to fuck it up by bringing that asshat into it, my opinion isn’t going to change anything.”
“Brad’s made mistakes.”
“Uh huh.”
“I’m not stupid.”
“Didn’t say you were.” Yeah, but it was what he didn’t say that left her stunned. With a half-growl, half sigh, John paced a path around the snow-packed clearing, then stomped back to her. “Brad gets inside your head and fucks you up. You do stupid shit for him, make commitments, and when he was gone—it fucked you up worse. He lied, Sachi. Plain and simple. He let everyone think he was dead. You don’t do that to family.”
No. She’d never do that to John, and he’d never have done it to her. Even for the two years they were apart, she’d known he was out there. “He has his reasons.”
“Not good ones.” Rock solid in his position, he didn’t budge. Dropping his chin, he met her gaze. “Are they?”
“No. They aren’t.” Conceding the point, she braced her hands on her thighs and bent at the waist. Stretching her legs bought her time.
“I don’t fuck him, so maybe I don’t get it. You let someone you care about think you’re dead…you don’t get the right to screw up what they have.”
“You like Gabriel.” He’d never admit it.
“Don’t hate him.”
She bit back a small smile.
“You love him, that’s what matters.” His response didn’t surprise her.
“I love Brad, too.” His loss was still an open wound inside of her, one she’d thought had healed over with scar tissue. Maybe it had, at least until that morning in the hangar when Titanium ripped it open with the k-bar of their survival.
“Loved.” Who was he correcting? Her or himself?
“You’re pissed. I get that.”
“Good.” He bumped her chin with a light fist. “You need a knock in the head. The professor’s not so smart if he’s letting Brad get to you. Thought he’d do better. He sees you. You told me that.”
She had, because Gabriel saw her in a way no one else had, and she suspected no one else would. Nothing she said or did pushed him away. He didn’t run from the darker parts of her, the parts even she didn’t understand. How many months had she been having those nightmares? How many nights had he coaxed her from the darkness? “He knows me, but he also loves me. Sometimes, one gets in the way of the other.” Gabriel accepted Brad, so maybe he saw something, too. Needing both left her a little twisted inside, but if she could have them, if she didn’t make them both miserable… “John?”