“Do what?” I ask, my stomach knotting at the vehemence in her tone.
“I can’t have this baby,” she sobs. “I can’t s-stay with you, and I c-can’t l-leave with you. I don’t know what I’m doing. W-what if we can’t make it on our own? Will we even have enough money?” She sobs frantically before pulling herself together once more. “Now that I’m pregnant, won’t I need to get a job? T-To pay for all the extra expenses? But w-who would want to hire me?” Question after question pours from Winter as she releases her fears all at once.
And suddenly, I understand. She’s had so much bottled up inside, so many anxieties she’s never voiced to me. She fears she wouldn’t be a good mother, an adequate wife. That I wouldn't be there for her as a father. She doesn’t understand what it means to live a low-income life, where paying the bills and living month to month is part of the lifestyle.And why would I want to participate in that? Won’t I leave her when the going gets tough?That’s got to be what she’s thinking as she sobs about cooking, cleaning, andgrocery shopping–no one’s prepared her for any of it. Now she’s facing the possibility of having to do it all and not just for her. For a baby and me as well. And if I choose to leave, then she’ll be all on her own.
I feel like such an ass, never fully grasping how out of touch with reality Winter truly is. She knows nothing about caring for herself, and I haven’t taught her anything over the past few months because I’ve been so concerned for her safety that I’ve all but kept her under lock and key.
No wonder she’s overwhelmed. In a word, she’s helpless.Entirely at the mercy of those around her, and what have I done?Fucked her and filled her with cum. Used her for my pleasure because that’s what I call love. I haven’t shown her that I would be there for her, that I know how to support her or a family if need be. Shit, of course, she doesn’t want this baby. She’s not prepared for it at all. And knowing the Blackmoors, she probably figured when they did have kids, she would just hand them off to a wet nurse so she could go about her life with little to no change.
But Winter doesn’t just release her anxiety about the baby. She talks about the life I’m offering up to her. About how inadequately I’ve considered Winter’s wants and needs.
“It’s your life, Gabriel, what you want. It’s not mine. How can I be happy when I don’t even know what I want? I haven’t had the opportunity to discover what I like. I don’t even know who I am outside of my old life. When I’m not serving your needs, you’re handing me off to your friends to meet theirs, but no one’s ever asked me whatIwant,” she sobs. “No one did before you saved me, and no one’s done so since. It’s like my sole purpose in life is to serve whatever man is in need. I’m just a hole for you all to fill, a toy to play with. And now you want me to be happy about it, to feel excitement over this life you’ve forced upon me.”
Pain lances through me at her words. I don’t feel as though I’ve forced this life upon her. At least, I don’t think I have. She’s seemed both willing and receptive to me from the start, sometimes even initiating our relationship both physically and emotionally. However, she’s continued to rebel when it comes to my concerns about her safety. But I thought she was happy here, that she’d made friends with Starla and some of the other club wives.
Maybe I was just fooling myself. But the thought of her wanting it all to go away, to get rid of the baby and me so she can find her own path in life, breaks my heart. The rejection cuts me to the quick, but more than that, the anxiety over her desire to get rid of the baby overwhelms me.
“Please, Winter, don’t say that. I want you for so many reasons. I want to be with you because you make me feel whole and right and good.” Grasping her hands in mine, I hold her close, willing her to understand how much I care. “Please keep the baby. I’ll do anything. I never meant to force my life on you. I only wanted to share it with you. But even if you don’t want this life, if you don’t want me, please keep this baby. I’ve never wanted anything more than you and our child. To start a family together. I’ve been alone for so long—” My emotion catches in my throat, and my words fall short momentarily.
But this time, I’m determined to get them out. She needs to know. If I’m going to ask this of her, she needs to know what it means to me. “I’ve been alone for so long, Winter, since my parents died when I was a little boy. Sure, The Devil’s Sons have been my family of sorts, but I haven’t had anyone to love, to hold close, and cherish. Not since the day my father died. And I’ve spent years thinking it would always be that way. Until you.”
Winter’s emerald eyes meet mine, shining with the unshed tears brimming there, but her breaths come more evenly now as she absorbs my words.
“From the moment I first saw you, I couldn’t let you go. I knew you were someone special, a person I had to get to know. And I feel as though fate brought us together. Only my obsession with you could have brought me into that basement on Halloween. Had I not been unable to let you out of my sight for any length of time, I might have waited until I later found out that the house had burned to the ground. But I needed you then with such force that I had to know you were all right. I had to see for myself.”
“And seeing you sprawled across the cold floor, naked and bloody, made me lose all sense of reason. I scooped you up and carried you out of there without a logical thought. I justhadto. And when you lost your memory, it seemed like a blessing in disguise, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to start over with a blank slate and see how we might fit without your preconceived judgments, without your father’s words poisoning your ears against bikers and my kind.”
The lump returns to my throat as I think about those first few weeks with Winter, when nothing stood between us except for her fear of the unknown. She’d opened up to me quickly, and I’d seen it in her eyes. Our potential was real, our connection raw and natural.
Glancing down at her feet, I shake my head. “I should have been more careful. I never should have let you see me kill Mac. I should have done a better job of protecting you, keeping you safe.” A new sense of desperation fills me, and I pull Winter’s hands to my chest once more as I pour my heart out to her. “I’m so sorry, Winter, for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for ever hurting you. I promise I’ll do better. I’ll be better for you. I swear on my life I will protect you. I’ll protect our child and provide for you both. I need you.” My voice breaks with the intensity of my emotion, and I swallow hard.
“I want to start fresh with you, to prove myself worthy of you. I want the chance for happiness and love that I never got with my own family.”
Winter’s eyes swim with tears, but her sobs have subsided during the longest speech I’ve ever made. I feel empty of all the built-up tension and emotion that was coursing through me, and I press her soft fingers to my lips.
“The doctor’s appointment is tomorrow, at eleven. I can’t force you to stay here with me. You can leave me if you want. I know I can’t force you to have our child, either, as much as I want to think I can. I can’t stop you from leaving every time you choose to go. I know that. But please, Winter, give me a chance. Giveusa chance.”
I can’t tell what she’s thinking as I peer into her fathomless eyes, and I don’t know what else to do besides beg her to stay. This is it, my final stand, and I won’t stop until all my cards are down. “I know that I don’t know what love is, not really, but I feel like I’m learning. I want to learn with you. I want to be the man you deserve. Iwantto love you right. Just please give me a chance.”
Winter hesitates, biting down on her lower lip as she considers what I’ve said. My heart hammers in my chest as I wait for her reply.Will it be enough? Am I enough? If she says no, will I be capable of letting her go?The stress of waiting for her response is more painful than any physical blow I’ve taken. I would rather Knuckles break my ribs or bust my lip than suffer the rejection I sense coming. I have no way to defend against whatever Winter says now.
Tears trickle down her cheeks as the moments drag on with excruciating slowness. Until finally, she breaks the silence. “It’s such a pretty dream. I just don’t know, Gabriel. I can’t give you an answer yet.”
My heart stutters in my chest, fighting to quit, to take me from this pain, but unable to do so. Dropping my gaze, I give a small nod. “I understand. I’ll, um.” I clear my throat so my emotion won’t creep in. “I’ll give you some space or a few days to think.”
Rising from the floor of the tub, I give Winter’s hands one final squeeze before releasing them. It hurts to leave her there, alone beneath the water’s stream that’s starting to grow cold, but this is what she wants. Distance. Time alone to think.
Wrapping the towel around my waist, I leave the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I only collect a few things from the bedroom, so I won’t disturb Winter coming in and out to change. Then I head to the spare bedroom down the hall.
22
Winter
It’sstrange having the room to myself. It’s been so long since I slept in a bed on my own that it feels exceptionally large and cold with Gabriel’s presence. I’m not sure that I like it, though I’m grateful for the space. His words linger with me, keeping me up late into the night as I consider them, and I toss and turn, debating whether the life he’s offering is right for me. Honestly, he’s offering me whatever life I choose, even leaving the Devil’s Sons if that’s what I want. I just don’t know. I feel as though the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders. Life hangs in the balance based on what I decide. And that is a reality. I’m the one who chooses whether or not to keep the baby. Gabriel said as much in the shower.
Not that he would let me if he had the power to stop me. But he’s right. In the end, this is my decision. Knowing that, and knowing how desperately he wants us to be a family, the thought of getting an abortion is something entirely different now. I don’t like the thought of taking a life, of choosing my happiness at the expense of my child’s existence. Still, I’m furious with Gabriel for forcing me into this choice. He’s the one who got me pregnant, and now he wants me to keep it, though I never asked him for any of this. I know that’s not entirely fair. I could have stopped him. Maybe not that first night he came inside me without a condom, but I could have tried harder to get a Plan B. And several times, when he tried to put on a condom, I stopped him. There’s no way of knowing which time he came inside me was the one that got me pregnant. Still, I resent the fact that I am pregnant and I’m not ready.
I’m too young. I’ve barely lived my life, and now he expects me to raise a child. I know that sounds shallow. Plenty of women do it. But I’m caught in the stranglehold of responsibility. And that makes me toss and turn all night, unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time as I wake from nightmares of giving birth and of not giving birth. The worst dream of all is the one where I set my baby down on the porch of the Blackmoor university house, in the same vicinity where I set a fire in real life not too long ago. I strike a match, tucking it into the folds of my baby’s blanket before I run away.