Looking down at my stomach, I imagine I can see the start of a baby bump forming there. Nausea roils up inside me once again, burning my throat. I’m a wreck. I’ve completely lost control of my life. I have no life. I’m only on this earth to suit others’ purposes at this point, and I hate myself for it. Fucking and carrying babies, that’s all I’m good for. I can’t even satisfy my own need for revenge.
As the steam rises from the steady stream of water, I step into the shower and pull the curtain closed.What is wrong with me? Why can’t I manage to do anything right?I failed to become queen of Blackmoor. Overshadowed and out maneuvered a skanky little biker slut with too much eye makeup. I was unable to bring my family power. The sole responsibility my father gave me. I failed to avenge his and my brother’s deaths and the ruin Athena left my life in. I’ve barely managed to survive since that night in the basement of the Blackmoor home.
Tears start to pour down my face as the full force of my failure hits me hard. Slowly, I sink into the tub, letting the warm water pummel down on me from above as I sob. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I bury my face in my arms and give in to my overwhelming sense of loss and regret.
It feels as though I’ve hardly had time to wrap my head around all that’s happened in the past few months. The ritual held in the creepy basement that was supposed to tie me to Dean Blackmoor. It’s strange to think he could have put a baby inside me that night had things not gone sideways. Instead, I’m carrying a biker’s baby. I don’t have two pennies to my name. And I’m hiding from the Blackmoor pet, rather than making her life a living hell like was supposed to happen. I hate her for ruining my life so thoroughly, for transforming me into some basic creature rather than the powerful entity I was supposed to be in this town. My tears come harder as I think about how much I’ve lost, how powerless I am to change my own life, and my shoulders heave with the sobs that rack my body.
It’s only the first few hours of the new year, and already I’m crying. This doesn’t bode well for what’s to come, but I can’t help myself. After months of fighting my fate, struggling to carve a new path for myself, I give in to the hopelessness threatening to swallow me whole.
I just don’t know what to do, what to think. Gabriel gives me pleasure unlike anything I’ve ever known before. When I’m with him, I’m intoxicated by his touch, consumed with my need for him. Only he can satisfy me so deeply. He knows how to meet my needs in ways I’ve never imagined. And he’s trying to love me. I can see it. Since he found out about the baby, he’s been so tender and careful with me. And even before that, he tried to be romantic for my sake, taking me on dates to show he cared.
But he doesn’t know how to do it right. He’s getting better. I have to admit that. We’ve managed to share some very special moments and experiences that touch me deeply and leave me craving more. And he did save me. I owe him my life. So I should try to accept this existence he’s given me.
Thinking over the time we’ve spent together, I take that into consideration as I try to envision a future with him. The thought of staying at the clubhouse, of living under the Devil’s Sons' roof indefinitely, is not enough. I can’t imagine spending day after day, year after year, wandering between our room and the clubhouse. No one but Starla to keep me company outside of Gabriel, nowhere to go because I’ll never be safe so long as Athena and the Blackmoor heirs run this town.
But I can see a future with Gabe. A future like the one he offered tonight.What if we did run away and went somewhere to start a new life? Could I be happy as his wife?I picture him coming home from a day at the garage, me holding our baby in my arms as I greet him with a kiss. For an instant, the image fills me with a sense of joy and hope. Iseeit. But I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even know how to cook or care for a house, let alone a human being.Do I even deserve that kind of life? The happiness it would bring?
I knew when I was promised to Dean Blackmoor that someday I would marry him and have his children. But that was so different. That life would have consisted of nannies and servants to care for my children and house. It would have been lavish parties and formal dinners where I would have to present an image of perfection. But I’d been trained for that lifestyle, getting primped and pampered so I could look my best but not have to do any true labor.
This life, the one I would lead with Gabriel, would be very different. It would mean raising my child with Gabe, working for anything we want, and struggling through the day-to-day experiences of a common man’s income and all that goes with it. It’s a world I don’t fully understand, one I’ve never truly experienced, and I would be facing it all on my own.
I’ve never had to worry about money and where it’s coming from. I’ve never had to decide what matters more, paying bills or meeting my whims. I’ve certainly never experienced hunger beyond the self-induced kind that comes with a disciplined regimen of healthy foods and intense workouts to keep my body fit and trim.
What would happen if Gabriel can’t find honest work?We might end up on the streets, and if we left Blackmoor, we wouldn’t even have Mark or the Devil’s Sons to fall back on.Would we?I get the sense that failing to open a new chapter would leave Gabriel in a diminished state of importance. I wonder if he might even get kicked out of the club for trying to leave, for wanting to branch out on his own.And what makes him so sure Mark won’t want to hand me over either way?
Maybe it’s for the best if he does. Maybe my life would be better served to come to a quick and painless death rather than me suffering for months to make ends meet, only to die of hunger or watch my baby starve. Not that I think I want to keep the baby.Do I?
Question after question turns over in my head as I fight the urge to scream. I’m sure that would draw Gabriel’s attention, and I don’t want him to see me like this. I’m a wreck. I’ve completely lost control of my senses, and I can’t seem to stop the flood of tears now that the dam’s been broken.
Gasping for air, I hopelessly attempt to bring myself back under control, but I can’t. All I can picture is the look on Gabriel’s face when I fail him. He won’t want me when I’m no use to him. I don’t even know how to cook a proper meal. Up until Thanksgiving, I’d never cooked a dish in my life. And now he thinks we can start a family together. Just the two of us.
The shower curtain whips aside, startling a squeak from me, and I peer up through the locks of my hair at Gabriel’s bewildered expression. His look of confusion only makes me cry harder.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, stooping to cup my face in his hands. He doesn’t even seem to notice the water splattering down on him as his brilliant-blue eyes peer deep into mine, his brow furrowed in concern.
I shake my head, unable to form words through the force of my tears.How can I possibly explain?I love Gabriel. I do. I might just love him more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life. But I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for a baby. I’m not ready to start a life with him. I’m barely beginning to grasp the concept of who I am.How the hell am I supposed to know what I want, what I’m ready for, when I have nothing to claim as my own?Not even the baby inside me is mine by choice. And I’m terrified at my complete lack of control.
“Sh-shh-shh,” Gabriel soothes, gathering me in his strong arms as he strokes my hair back from my face.
Only when I’m wrapped in his embrace, enveloped and isolated from the big, scary world around me, can I finally pull enough air into my lungs to help me calm down even a little. Why his strength can soothe me when part of what’s overwhelming me is his ability to overpower my free will, I don’t know. But I’ll take anything I can get if it will stop my heart from pressing painfully against my ribs, making me feel like I’m about to choke.
21
Gabriel
Horror fillsmy chest at the sight of Winter curled in a ball on the shower floor. She looks so small and helpless there, rocking slightly in her attempt to self-soothe. My heart breaks to see her in so much pain, and I don’t know what to do to fix it.
When I pull her into my arms, I feel her quivering despite the shower’s warmth. Finally, I can’t take it any longer. Removing my towel, I step into the shower with her and sit so I can pull her close.
“Did I hurt you?” I ask gently, stroking her hair as she continues to sob against my chest. “Was it too much?”
“N-No,” she stutters, gasping for air.
Baffled by her sudden burst of emotion after everything had seemed just fine when she left the room, I try to think of what could have happened.If she’s not in physical pain, then what did I do?I can’t come up with a single thing. I feel like we were just in a good space. She’d even smiled at me as she left the room, and I’ve been trying to treat her with the gentle care I haven’t given her since the very beginning of our relationship. “Please, Winter,” I beg. “Tell me what’s wrong. How can I fix it?”
She continues to shudder against me, her body quivering with the power of her grief. I press a gentle kiss to the crown of her head as I wait for her response, willing her tears to subside. I can’t stand the sight of Winter, broken and bawling like this. I would give anything to know how to soothe her at this moment, but I keep coming up empty on ideas.
“I-I c-can’t d-do this!” Winter stutters before releasing another torrent of sobs.