Alexandra
Ipushtheearbuds in my ears, blocking out the cell phones beeping, chairs squeaking, and inappropriate banter as late shift staff gather in the nursing office. I'm high on refined sugar and caffeine, my fingers typing furiously against the keyboard, finishing my patient's notes before we go into nursing handover. I didn't have time to eat a proper meal or pee today. We had three new admissions, tons of family visits and a couple of expected deaths. It's never easy losing patients. We develop affection, deep concern, and even love for our patients, so it hurts when we lose them, yet we stay strong to help their family and friends accept their passing. I've experienced unimaginable loss, so deep that it left a permanent hole in my soul. Every single day, hour, minute and second, I think of my bubba. There's no filler strong enough to plug the gaping hole, no concoction to numb my unspeakable pain, and as long as I breathe, my heart and soul will grieve. My chest constricts painfully, robbing me of my breath.I tense my muscles and squeeze my eyes tight to stop the images of the miscarriage rolling like a film reel. My heart hammers against my ribcage as panic rushes through me. A cold sweat coats my skin, making my hands clammy. I can do this. The words of my therapist flood back. Stay in the present, Allie.Feel your bottom contacting the chair. Feel your feet touching the ground. I flick my eyes open. You're not in San Diego. You're in North Star Hospital, Seattle. You are safe. My heart and breathing slow down. I slump against my chair, relief pouring through me. You've done it, Allie.
Rebecca, who goes by Becks, is the nurse in charge of the late shift, and is currently sitting at the edge of my desk, patting my shoulder gently. Nothing escapes her. She is laser sharp in observing other people's body language. Despite her prickly personality, we bonded over our shared experience of miscarrying. We both get triggered when we lose younger patients, but luckily we don't get many of those on our ward. She claps her hands loudly before taking charge of the room, allocating staff and barking orders at them. Thank you, Becks. Stephanie, James and Karen, our nursing assistants, let out a collective groan, before scurrying away out of the room. Everyone knows them as troublemakers, especially when they work together. They lounge around in the staff room gossiping endlessly and making bets about who sleeps with whom in the hospital.
"Who allocated the troublemakers to work together on the same shift as me?" Becks pulls her face into a grimace.
I take out my earbuds, shifting my attention to her. While waiting for me to answer, she lifts her thick brown hair, wrapping it in a low bun and pushes her pen through it. Great way to stop someone walking off with your pen. It's a rare occasion for nurses to make it through their workday without losing their pen.
"Kiki did the staff schedule last week. What did you do, Becks?" She shrugs, exhaling heavily. She might be an amazing nurse, but sadly, she doesn't have a filter, which lands her in lots of trouble with the team.
"Nothing! I gave her a compliment."
"Define complement."
"She had her hair permed, so I said it looks like a French poodle. If that was the look she was going for, then her hairdresser did an amazing job." She tilts her head, her grass-green eyes sparkling with laughter and mirth. I gawk at her in silence, too stunned to reply, even though it shouldn't really surprise me when she's said worse things to other team members. Logging off from my computer, I rise from my chair and grab my notebook.
"Come on, Becks. Notes took longer than I expected, so we need to do a quick patient handover. I'm meeting a friend in town at three o'clock for some retail therapy."
"I wish I could come with you, Allie. Instead, I'll spend my shift running a kindergarten." She laughs out loud at her own joke. I draw my lips between my teeth and press them together to stop myself from laughing. Linking my arm with hers, I lead her towards the staff room. On our way, we pick up Stephanie, James and Karen, who keep whispering and giggling behind us like school children. Poor Becks, she will run a kindergarten.
The shift handover goes smoothly. Each time one of the troublemakers opens their mouth to interrupt me, I shoot them down with an unblinking glare. Before I leave, I hand Becks the charts and the list of outstanding jobs for the new admissions. She winks at me with a knowing nod. After changing into skinny jeans and a sweater, I dash to my car.
The traffic is light and I arrive ten minutes early, giving me time to slap war-paint on my face. Locking the car, I stroll to Pacific Square Mall. Heidi stands outside, and when our gazes meet, she gives me a beaming smile. I pull her in for a quick hug before we start our shopping spree. The mall is a beehive of activity. Ambient background music drowns some of the loud laughter and conversation. As we ride the escalator to the second floor, my gaze follows people coming out of the different stores, carrying branded store bags and sipping on coffees.We end up going into every shop on the second floor and trying on millions of evening dresses. At the end, I took us back to the first store where I tried a gorgeous black, off the shoulder dress with long sleeves. The A-line dress accentuates my small waist, wide hips and generous breasts perfectly. The long lace sleeves hide the silver scars on my arms. I grind my teeth as anger coils in my belly. I can never wear sleeveless dresses or bikinis ever again, as I'm too self-conscious, even though Heidi tells me they have healed well. Fucking asshole. He scarred me for life. No amount of laser treatments or creams can make them disappear. The shame-filled Allie urges me to hide and protect myself. Survivor Allie commands me to stand tall, keep my chin up and wear my battle scars with pride, because beauty is only skin deep.
"How about we complete our outfits with sexy underwear? Before you say no, we are not buying them to get laid, but to feel sexy and feminine," Heidi's voice jolts me back.
I've been so lost in my thoughts I haven't noticed she's dragged me all the way to an upscale fetish boutique store just outside the mall. I scan the store, taking in the skimpy schoolgirl uniforms, nun's habit and French maid latex outfits. You need to be confident in your own skin to wear these types of clothes.
"We could have bought sexy underwear from other stores, Heids," my voice comes out in a whisper.
"They have an amazing satin corset on the window display we could pair with skirts or pants. Embrace the new you. You've changed your hair color and surname. Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind and embrace your wild side. Go explore!" She stretches her lips into a wicked grin. I shake my head in a mock annoyance then wave her goodbye.
I stroll through the lingerie aisle, picking up high waisted lace-up black and purple panties, suspender belt and matching stockings. I don't know if anyone will ever see me in these, but what the heck, I can still wear them. I used to buy lots of sexy underwear, loving the way they made me feel desirable, but after Nathan kept telling me I'm too fat to wear them, I only wore plain cotton granny panties. Asshole. Moving along, I come up to the toy section, where I can't help but stare at the size of the vibrators, dildos and anal toys. They're arranged from smallest to largest. My stomach clenches at the thought of something that large going inside me. No way.I crane my neck, searching for Heidi. She twirls around in front of a full-length mirror in a naughty nurse dress and impossibly high leather boots. Wow!She looks so comfortable in that dress. Could it be that she has already embraced her wild side without telling me? The store assistant brings her another pair of shoes and helps her to take off the other ones. Lou Reed's deep, raspy voice, singing Venus in Furs, comes through the speakers as I make my way towards the bondage section.
My pulse speeds up with excitement as I browse through the bondage gear. A few times during our honeymoon period, Nathan and I experimented in light bondage. He used my scarf to blindfold me, his tie to bind my wrists, and spanked me gently during sex. He told me bondage didn't turn him on, so we stopped exploring it further. I cast my gaze on the crops, leather paddles, whips, and floggers. Before I can stop myself, I brush my fingers up and down the leather strips of the mini flogger, imagining the feeling of the leather strips striking my bare ass cheeks. Heat uncurls in my abdomen, dampening my panties. Erotic pain turns me on. It's my deepest and darkest secret. I might like pain, but it's not what made me stay with Nathan. Loving, caring and generous Nathan, when he was not drunk, kept me there. Hope kept me there.
"Do you like what you see, pet?" The sound of a deep, authoritative voice makes me jerk my hand away as if burned by fire.
I spin on my heels, ready to discover the owner of the low-pitched, refined voice. A soft gasp of surprise escapes my lips when my eyes lock with the gray eyes of the gorgeous idiot who almost hit my car a few weeks ago. I take a quick mental snapshot of his longish raven hair and tall, muscular frame clad in an expensive black tailored suit before our eyes lock again. He stares at me with the intensity of a predator stalking its prey. A burst of adrenaline spreads through my muscles, urging me to run. My breathing grows ragged in my throat. Stay calm. I straighten my back, extending to my full height, even though I still don't reach his chin.
"First, I'm not your pet. Second, it's none of your business," my voice comes out as cool as a cucumber, despite the nervousness coursing through my blood.
He bends down and picks up the lace-up panties that must have fallen on the ground when I whirled around. Crap!Trust it to happen to me. I stare at them dangling off his index finger. A bright red flush explodes on my neck and ears, and I snatch the panties from his finger, stuffing them in my coat pocket.
"Hmm-so, I was right. You're a bratty sub; my favorite type." His stupidly handsome face blooms into an amused grin. Bratty sub? I glare at him with hard defiance.
"And you are a delusional pervert. Go stalk someone else." Oh my god, did those words come out my mouth?
He prowls towards me, invading my personal space. My heart thunders in my ears, blocking all other sounds. My brain signals me to retreat, but I stand frozen to the spot. Power, dominance and confidence radiates from his body, telling me he's in control here, not me. His intense gaze burns into mine, staring straight into the depths of my soul. He won't hurt you, Allie. Breaking eye contact, I blow out a shaky breath, relief slacking the muscles in my body.
"Consider yourself lucky, little sub. If we weren't in a public place, I'd put you over my knee and spank you until your bratty ass was bright red." His dangerously soft voice makes my core pulse with an achy, throbbing need.The image of me laying across his knee with my bare buttocks in the air flashes through my mind.Shame and desire mingles hot in my throat. Get yourself together, now! I order myself.
"And I was right. You are delusional. Definitely not my type." I storm off to the front desk, his hearty laughter ringing in my ears.
Heidi joins me with hands full of clothes. She edges closer to me, her cobalt blue eyes burning with questions. I wonder if she witnessed the standoff between me and Mr. Dominant.
"OMG, are you okay? You look ready to murder someone."
"Yeah, all good. I'll tell you all about it later." She nods and dumps her clothes on the counter.
While the sales assistant rings up my purchases, my body remains hyper alert, warning me that Mr. Dominant still lurks around the store. No man has ever affected me like him. It seemed as if I laid myself bare before him and gave him full access to the deepest, darkest parts of me, not even I know. God, I need to get away from here. Clutching the bag in my hand, I take a few deep calming breaths while waiting for her to pay for her stuff. After she pays, we head straight to my car. We're meeting Katie at eight o'clock, so there's no time for us to stop for coffee and a chat.