Alexandra
Istandonthe lakeshore watching the golden fireball rising and casting a magnificent rainbow of colors across the wintry sky. My gaze follows the wavy ripples on the surface of the lake, letting them lull me into an almost meditative state. Standing beside the water makes me aware of how fleeting my life is when compared to this vast lake that has been here since the birth of our beautiful planet. The sound of the high-pitched whistles of hungry eagles breaks the stillness of the early morning, bringing me back from my reverie. A gust of icy wind blows around me, tossing my hair in my face and chilling me to the bone. I inhale the crisp air, cataloging this moment in my mind's eye.This has been my daily routine for the past year. Rain or shine, every day I get up and come to watch the birth of a brand new day, celebrating being alive and reminding myself how close I came to not being able to see the sunrise or the sunset ever again.
On this day, fourteen months ago, the doctors were fighting to save my life after losing my baby. I squeeze my eyes shut, shutting down the images of that day before I spiral down the rabbit hole. My pulse speeds up to a dangerous level, thumping and whooshing in my ears. I stop breathing and stand rigid with terror, unable to move. I lower myself to the ground, my gaze darting around, taking in the view. A rocky shoreline with colorful gravel in shades of gray and white. Trees bowing over the lake and casting reflections in the water. L-shaped wooden dock. The gritty sand beneath the palms of my hands.After several long minutes, the panic subsides. Despite being in therapy for almost a year, I'm still working on closing the huge gaping wound festering in my soul. Reflecting on it, I'm thankful that I'm in a much better place than a year ago. I had been alive, but barely breathing. Shortly after the miscarriage, the terrifying panic attacks, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts started. They would sneak in like a thief in the night and before I knew what was happening, I'd be back, lying naked in the living room, drowning in memories. I was fighting a living, breathing creature hellbent on stopping me from eating and sleeping, forcing me to become a prisoner in my home.
On the day Nathan got sentenced to two and half years of imprisonment, I sat down with gin and tonic in my hand, ready to celebrate my freedom despite feeling let down by the system. Pleading guilty and not having previous offenses worked in his favor. I waited for the sense of relief to flood over me and wash away my fear, my loss, and grief. Instead, despair and rage crept in. The bastard got a minor sentence while I was left to deal with scars that would never heal. I wanted to run away from it all. But there was no place I could go and hide. Fury roared through my mind. I paced the room, but the walls were slowly closing in, trapping me with no chance of escaping. My mind spiraled out of control, hurling abuse at me. You're a worthless piece of shit. You are nothing! No one will love you. What's the point? You killed your baby. You will never be a mother. I grabbed the bottle of gin and my sleeping medication, swallowing my despair with each sip. The next day, I woke up in a psych ward, with a woman on my right explaining that I was on suicide watch. I remember the sickening wave of terror welling up from my belly. The shame. The guilt. The remorse. I told the psychiatrist repeatedly that I didn't intend to end my life. I wanted to numb my feelings…to run away from the distressing emotions I didn't want to feel anymore. They kept me for two weeks. Two weeks of hell. I had two choices: either continue wallowing in self-pity and despair, or take the first step on the long road to recovery. I chose recovery. In retrospect, only one good thing came out of the entire ordeal. My attorney made sure the medical records about my miscarriage are sealed.
Heidi picked me up from the hospital and took me back to her house. Just thinking about going back to mine made me vomit violently. When I was strong enough to face the world again, she thrust the keys to the lake house she inherited from her grandparents in my hands. She showed me photographs of the house, explaining I'd have private access to Lake Washington and it would give me respite from San Diego, which had become one big trigger for me. I had no choice but to accept. She told me I could stay as long as I wanted.I planned it to be a temporary visit, but Seattle stole my heart, and I stayed. I fell in love with the quirky house and dazzling wide lake. Finally, I could breathe again. I found a part time nursing job at the local hospital, so there was nothing pulling me back home. I haven't spoken to my family in years. My older brother George spent most of his twenties abroad and has only recently been stationed in Florida. We were never close because of our ten-year age gap. He sends me an occasional email or birthday card when he remembers. I numbed my heart a long time ago, so I don't miss any of them anymore. Especially my father.
After a quick shower, I throw on my skinny jeans and a comfortable cotton V-neck shirt. A month ago, I started studying body psychotherapy after experiencing the benefits of it myself. Coincidentally, on the same day, Heidi surprised me by telling me she got a part time teaching job at the Seattle special needs education center. Outside her teaching job, she's a freelance photographer, mainly focusing on erotic portraits. Despite earning lots of money with her photography job, she doesn't want to quit her teaching job, insisting it's her calling in life to help children with special needs. God, I've missed her so much and can't wait to see her. I'm picking her up from the airport today. My body trembles with excitement as I fill up my travel mug and set off for my morning group class. Thankfully, I escaped the morning rush and found a parking spot next to my Seattle best friend, Katie.Strolling into the spacious room, I spot her kneeling on her mat with her knees slightly apart and gazing intently at an invisible spot on the floor. Is she meditating? Not wanting to interrupt her, I let my gaze travel from the serene smile dancing across her lips to her golden-brown skin glowing in the gentle sunlight, wondering who or what has put that grin on her face. As if she could sense my arrival, she lifts her head and jumps to her feet, rushing towards me.
"Allie, quick. Come with me. Put your mat next to mine before Simon comes back."
"Why? Did he say something?" We embrace and give each other a quick peck on the cheek. I leave my shoes by the door, then let her pull me to our usual spot by the windows.
"Simon hasn't stopped talking about you. He went to Starbucks to get us coffees, hoping you'll work with him today." Oh, dear God! I cock my head, narrowing my eyes in annoyance.
Ever since our orientation day, I've been aware of his interest. At first, it was shy smiles, stolen glances, and awkward conversations that quickly progressed to bolder eye contact and banter. So far, I've kept him at arm's length to discourage him from inviting me to dinner or coffee after class. It's only a matter of time before he finds the courage to ask me out.
"He's a sweet guy, but he isn't my type and I'm not ready to date again." I straighten my shirt with long, nervous strokes, avoiding Kate's intense gaze.
While she knows about my abusive ex, I haven't disclosed the full extent of what happened before I moved here. I need time before I let people in and bare my soul to them. But despite being an open book, there are dark and twisted parts of me that are locked in a tight metal box stored behind steel walls, which no one knows about, not even Heidi.
"Hey, it's okay. I could always accidentally tell him you have a boyfriend, so he can cool off. Speaking of the devil, he just walked in." Simon must have been within an earshot of us because Katie continues with a completely straight face, "So, as I was saying, I got up this morning and a foul smelling cat vomit greeted me in the middle of my spotlessly clean living room. Can you imagine? Undigested cat food on my beautiful cream carpet." She fans her face dramatically. I widen my eyes in disbelief, stifling a giggle. She doesn't have a cat. I turn my head in Simon's direction, staring at the massive grin deepening the dimples on his handsome face.
"Oh my God, Katie," he drawls, his southern accent becoming more pronounced. "Your poor cat. He probably tried to cough up a fur ball. Mine does it too." She nods in silent agreement, pressing her lips tightly to suppress the giggle threatening to explode.
He turns his head in my direction. "Good morning, Allie. Soy cappuccino with a dash of peppermint syrup." His amber eyes sparkle with excitement as he hands us our coffees.
You can bet your sweet life he'll ask me out by the end of this week, if not today. My heart speeds up, mouth going bone dry. I'm open to harmless flirting, but the thought of dating sends me into a blind panic. I'm not ready yet.
"I have a boyfriend." Did I say that out loud? A startled gasp escapes Simon's full lips, confirming my fears. Holy moly! His skin loses all color, becoming chalk white. Katie gawks at me in surprise. You could have said thank you for the coffee, but no, why not declare that you have a non-existent boyfriend? That would sort stuff out. Five stars for making things awkward.
"Erm, I'm sorry. I don't know—" fortunately Jane addresses the group, interrupting my clumsy attempt at apology.
"Good morning, everyone. Let's move the energy in our bodies before you take the journey back into your mother's wombs where you will have the opportunity to consciously experience hers and your emotions."
Thank you, sweet Jesus. It was going to be very hard to dig myself out of that hole.The sound of the energetic disco number fills the room. Simon dips his head before hurrying back to his mat. I sway my body to the beat of the music, acutely aware of him staring at me with his lips pressed tightly into a grimace. Taking a deep, pained breath, I close my eyes and shuffle closer to the windows. After a couple of songs, Jane switches off the stereo.
"Okay folks. This session will bring lots of unconscious memories, so I suggest you partner with someone you feel comfortable with being your guide for this session. If you have any concerns, please come speak to me before we start."
Katie and I take turns in guiding each other through our turbulent womb journeys. You'd never describe a womb as a hostile environment, because Jane told us unconsciously, we all desire to return to the warm darkness where we exist in blessed union with our mothers. We are one. Safe. Protected. The boundaries of where our mothers begin and where we end are blurred. But this wasn't the case for me. During my journey, I felt my mother oscillating between feeling acutely anxious, ecstatically happy, and secretly wishing that she had never got pregnant with me. I absorbed her anxiety, shame and guilt, letting her emotions change me on the cellular level. It explains the pull and push, love and hate relationship I have with my mother. Dreadful numbness infuses my body. Despite the fleeting moments of happiness, the fact remains, she never truly wanted me. I was a burden to her, preventing her from running away and reclaiming her freedom.
Swallowing the tears burning at the back of my throat, I turn my attention back to the short debriefing before we finish for today. Simon doesn't join us, instead he sits behind us with John. I hope my earlier outburst won't make things awkward between us. We have another eight months of training before we finish our first year. I breathe a deep sigh of relief when the debrief finishes. Katie and I grab our stuff, dashing to our cars. We agree to meet for coffee after Heidi settles in, then set off in opposite directions. Katie to her top-secret part-time job and me to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. One of these days, I'll find out why she keeps the nature of her job a secret, even from me.