It’s been months of texting and calling with no response. How can you just cut the people you love the most out of your life without looking back? I know she’s hurting, and maybe I don’t get it because I may not have lost the love of my life, but I did lose my best friend, and that doesn’t feel too good either.
I tossed and turned all night last night, debating whether to reach out today. I mean, she won’t pick up on a typical day; why would she today, of all days? I could have called, but with texting I’m able to get more out without being cut off by the stupid voicemail.
Me: I told myself I wasn’t going to do this today, but here I am reaching out knowing that you will ignore this. Dani, I know you are hurting today and every day for the past year, but come the fuck home.
Me: Whatever you are facing and battling, we can do it together. We are headed to the cemetery around 10, and then Mom is having lunch at the house. I don’t know where you are, but please come home. If not for you, then for me, for Haylee, for the Hankses. We all need you for fuck’s sake. I miss him too you know.
Me: Please just answer me. I’m going out of my mind that you are out there somewhere by yourself and you won’t let me help you. I’m your big brother and I’m supposed to protect you from all things big and bad and I couldn’t protect you from this, so I feel as though I’ve failed you. D, I didn’t want to do all of this over text, but I know that you wouldn’t answer if I called you, and I would be limited on what I could say via voicemail.
Me: I have to have faith that you are actually reading these texts and not just ignoring them. I need you today and every day, Danielle. Please, I’m begging you. I love you, sis.
I wait and wait, but responses never come. Then again, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. I had told Haylee that I would drive home today. Haylee and I have spent a lot of time together the past few months—going to parties, studying, and leaning on each other whenever we have a hard day. I guess you could say it’s a perk of having her here; she’s someone who knows what it’s like to go through what’s playing in my mind. Some days I don’t think I would be able to get through without her.
Looking at my phone, I see that I need to head over to the dorms to pick her up so we are on time. I finish my coffee and place the mug in the sink before grabbing my keys and walking out the door.
We don’t talk much the entire ride there; both of us aren’t ready for the emotions that today will bring up. Haylee stares out the window while I grip the steering wheel so tight, I think I might break it. Why did he have to die?
Pulling into the cemetery, I have flashbacks of doing this last year, taking my best friend to his final resting spot. I pull in behind the Hankses’ SUV.
“You ready?” I look over at Haylee, and for the first time since I picked her up, her eyes meet mine, and it breaks me in half.
r /> “If I say no, can we just forget about all of this?”
I give her a weak smile because honestly, I’m right there with her. I would like to forget what today is and why we’re here, forget that he died, not because I want to forget him, but because I want him to be alive.
Before I can reach out and grab her hand to give her a reassuring squeeze, she exits the Jeep and walks toward where our parents stand. I take a deep breath and get out to follow her. A part of me hopes that I’ll see my sister standing there waiting for us, but as I approach the gravestone and see only my parents and Haylee’s, I know she isn’t coming.
I hug both my parents, along with Natalie and Brian. Haylee stands back away from the crowd while her parents say some words and a prayer. Finally, Haylee walks up to the grave and places the flowers down that we had stopped for along the way. I watch her shoulders fall, and her head drops as tears rip through her body. I can’t take this anymore. I take the few steps to close the distance and wrap her in my arms, pulling her body against mine. She cries into my chest, and I go back in time to the many times Dani cried in my arms. Knowing my sister is alone today breaks the remaining pieces of my heart.
We all stand there in silence. I run my fingers down her hair as if it is the natural thing to do. Once she has calmed down, Haylee slowly backs out of my arms, and a weird feeling overwhelms me—I instantly miss her touch. I try to shake off the feeling as Haylee stands next to me. Our fingers accidentally brush with our close standing, and instead of pulling back as I would typically do, I do the last thing I expect and take her hand in mine, wrapping my fingers around hers. I don’t even think twice about holding Haylee’s hand. As our parents talk, I don’t even realize that I’m brushing my thumb over her knuckles in a soothing way. Today is the third-worst day of my life, and just her touch alone is somehow easing the pain. I don’t know what this feeling is, but part of me doesn’t want it to leave.
We share memories of Emmett, some causing us to laugh while others bring on more tears from missing him more. After a while, we decide it’s time head back to the cars. I acknowledge to my parents that we will see them back at the house for lunch. Haylee and I stand toe to toe at my Jeep as both sets of parents climb into the SUV parked in front of us and drive off.
I look down at my feet and am startled by the fact I haven’t let go of her hand yet, but then again, she hasn’t let go of mine either. Is it strange that I like her hand in mine? Yes, it is bizarre. I mean, this is Haylee Hanks.
I try to shake off the feeling. Our eyes meet, and I notice that her eyes are as blue as the ocean. The way the sun is shining down on us, she looks like an angel. I become completely consumed by my thoughts.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Oh shit, how was I looking at her?
“Sorry, it’s just been a long day.”
That was the stupidest response ever. Of course she knows that. What the hell is wrong with me?
She takes her hand out of mine, and I mourn the loss, but then she wraps her arms around my waist and tucks her face into my chest. My heart begins to beat faster, and the sadness I felt all day is eased by her closeness. I rest my cheek against the top of her head and find myself smelling her shampoo. Okay, seriously, what the fuck? I am way in over my head here.
Me: Happy New Year Dani. I hope this year brings you whatever peace you are looking for. I miss you.
“So, what’s up with you and Hottie McHotterson?” Cami asks as I fold the clothes from my bag and put them back in my dresser.
She sits on her bed, facing me with her legs crossed under her and a bowl of taco dip in her lap. Her platinum-blonde and purple hair is up on top of her head in a messy bun.
Zach just dropped me off after our winter break. It was a nice change to be away from the dorms, but being home wasn’t easy either. It was the second Christmas without Emmett and our first without Dani. There was a giant elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about. Kelly and Adam had tried to get ahold of Dani with no such luck.
I wish I knew where she was, but she hasn’t been returning any of my calls or texts either. Doesn’t mean I haven’t continued to try. Somehow, I know that when she is ready, she will answer…I hope. I would give anything for a movie night, Katy Perry jam session, or hell, just a damn hug from my best friend.
“I wish you would stop calling him that. He has a name, you know.”