JUDE
Asound at my door had me jolting, and I sat up, straightening my clothes. I’d fallen asleep at my desk working on an assignment. The first night I returned, I’d passed out, just happy to be back with my family. I didn’t really think about what I’d gone through. But ever since, each night became increasingly harder for me to sleep. As it was, I bet I only got about two hours last night, and finding myself in random places passed out was becoming too common.
“Come in,” I said through a yawn as I turned in my chair. Loren’s head peeked through the door, bringing a smile to my face. “Hey, how’s it going?” I asked.
“I came to ask you the same thing.” She smiled, sitting on the corner of my bed. I shrugged, not really knowing how to answer that.
“It’s kind of hard to say. I’m glad to be back, to be here, but I won’t lie and say it hasn’t affected me. I’ve had some dreams,” I admitted.
Loren moved closer, taking my hand in hers. Tears welled in her eyes as she listened. “Do you want me to find someone for you to talk to? I know you might not want to talk with me about it.”
“Actually, I think I’d rather talk with you. It’s not the easiest for me to open up to strangers.”
“I’m glad I’m not considered a stranger anymore.”
“Of course not. You’re my mom.”
It was the first time I’d said the word, and the tears that had been developing trickled over, falling down her cheeks. “Wow, I never knew how great it would be to hear someone call me that. I’m glad it was you, Son.”
Loren pulled me into her arms, and I soon found I was crying too. It felt nice to be cherished by her, to be loved so much she’d been willing to risk anything to save me. No one had ever wanted me that much before. I’d always been the burden.
But here in this family, I was welcomed and seen as a valuable member.
Loren patted my head, her hands running through my hair, soothing me in a way I’d never been comforted before. It shouldn’t have felt so significant, but it did. It felt like the culmination of things I’d experienced had led me to be here in this moment where I would know what it meant to be truly loved. That knowledge healed something broken in me.
When we pulled back, wiping our cheeks, I couldn’t deny I felt lighter. It felt good to cry and be hugged by my mom. She cupped my cheek, patting it softly.
“How are you feeling about returning to school?”
“Honestly? I think I’d rather wait until after summer. There’s only a month left at this point, and having to explain my absence feels like a bigger thing than I want to make it. I know Imogen wants to go, but I’m not sure if we should while this war is going on with her father. I think Atticus made the right call.”
“I can’t deny that I love having you closer and protected. I don’t want to lose you again, but I know it’s not feasible to keep you here under lock and key forever. I can honor your wish to wait until next school year, and if you need someone to be the bad guy, I can do that for you. Just promise to talk to me if it’s something else you’re worried about.”
“I promise. I don’t think it’s anything else other than people asking questions. I don’t feel like being in the spotlight. At first, I was excited about going, just wanting to get back to my normal routine, but I like the tutor and having the time to actually deal with something for once instead of rushing to survive is nice.”
“Okay, honey. Is there anything I can do right now?”
“I’m just having trouble sleeping. I keep… having nightmares about that place.”
“That’s perfectly understandable. I’ve had a few too where I have to wake up and remind myself you're here. What usually helps me is to put something next to my bed as a reminder of what’s real. It could be anything from a picture to a coin or even a piece of string. It’s just a reminder that you're here and not there.”
“I like that. What do you use?”
Loren smiled, a blush coming to her cheeks. “I have the picture you made saved on my phone. I look at it a lot and remind myself you’re safe. I’ve also used a tube of lipstick. Something tangible to remind me to be in the present and not in my head.”
I nodded, thinking. “I could use a watch face that I kept from my dad. It doesn’t work anymore, but I’ve always had it with me. Would that work?”
“It could, but sometimes if they have sentimental value, it’s harder to tell if it’s real or fake because your brain knows about it. It’s why something random works, because it’s not like your imagination will try to trick you with something that means nothing. But give it a try. Everyone is different.”
“Thanks, I will. It feels nice to talk about these things and not be in it alone,” I admitted, my cheeks reddening.
“I’m glad. You never have to be alone ever again. You have me and everyone in this house. We all love and care for you, kiddo.”
“It feels nice. I like being part of this family.” I stopped, a smile coming to my face. “Who should I call Dad?”
Loren let out a sharp laugh, slapping my knee. “How’s your little game with them going? Have you rearranged the order lately?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.
I shook my head, laughing.