IMOGEN
The words left her mouth, and I knew they were true. I’d thought I was going crazy the other day when I smelled his cologne, wondering if I’d regressed and only imagined things. I hadn’t had a nightmare in a month, and the overcoming sense of fear that coated me each time I left the house had dissipated. So while I wasn’t thrilled one of the men of my nightmares was back, it was actually comforting to know I hadn’t imagined something.
My father was known for his mind games, and that was what this all was, after all. A game to him. He didn’t care about anything other than power and control. This was the ultimate way to control us, through the woman who had entered our lives and started to put our pieces back together. Attie could deny it all he wanted, but she had. Loren was healing all of us, and somehow Dayton had known that and went for our heart, where it would hurt the worst. He wasn’t an evil genius for nothing.
Ringing in my ears became noticeable, as did the pain from my fingers that were gripping my chair. Slowly, I released a breath and tried to recall what Loren had taught me.
Breathe in. Think of something comforting—reading.
Breathe out. Exhale the negative weight—weakness.
I felt my body start to unwind some, and I kept going, focusing only on it and not the chaos around me.
Breathe in. Piano.
Breathe out. Fear.
Breathe in. Cozy sweaters.
Breathe out. Shame.
Breathe in. Jude.
Breathe out. Dad.
Now, close it off with a self-affirming power thought. My past doesn’t define me. I’m stronger than the things done to me.
My whole body sagged, and I slowly lifted my fingers away from the chair one by one. Carefully, I opened my eyes, blinking as I came back to my surroundings. The first things I noticed were the arms wrapped around me, and this time when I caught a whiff of a familiar smell, it soothed me, my body melting completely into his for a brief minute.
Pulling away, I smoothed my hair back from my face and focused on the person closest to me, the shouts and noise too much for me still. Jude watched me, and any doubt I had that he’d look at me differently was cleared away. His brown eyes peered back, understanding in their depths. We hadn’t talked about our pasts, often skirting around the edges of the bad things that had occurred in our lives. In our friendship, we’d found a safe place to be without any of the past defining us. It was one of the things I was most grateful for.
“Hey,” he said, smiling. He dropped his arms, and instantly I missed their comfort. But it was probably for the best, not that anyone else seemed to be paying attention to us at the moment outside of Topher. When he saw me look over and cataloged I was okay, he nodded and went toward the others.
“Thanks for that. How long…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the rest, but he understood.
“Not long. Your brother watched you for a minute, so did Loren, but when I told them I had you, they then started that.” His eyes shifted over to the group of adults arguing. I couldn’t hear everything, but mostly I could hear Atticus saying Loren was wrong or confused. Sax kept firing questions, and Nicco tried to get them all to stop shouting and sit down and discuss it.
“I know this isn’t the right question to ask, but are you okay?”
“Yeah, I am.” I smiled at how cute he was asking. “It was a bit shocking at first, but then it actually helped validate me.” Jude scrunched his nose, not understanding, and it made me giggle a little. “It’s a game, and I know he purposefully sought her out and had been planning for me to run into him or something at a place I felt safe. It almost worked when I smelled his cologne last week.”
“What do you think it means, then? I thought Atticus… you know…” he shuffled in his chair, his cheeks heating a little.
I giggled again, not because the thought of my brother killing my father was funny, but the fact he was so nervous about saying it made me appreciate him so much more. Jude was the reminder that there was more to life than mob bosses and child brides.
“Yeah, he did.” I nodded, nothing else to really add. I looked over at the grownups again, their arguing going in circles, and I knew I needed to step in. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my time at this benefit. Auctions were going on, and I hoped to be able to dance with Jude at some point. I wouldn’t get to do any of that if they didn’t resolve their shit soon. Taking Jude’s hand, I kept my eyes forward, not wanting to see his face, and pulled him over with me. I nodded to Topher, and he stepped back, letting me through.
“I believe Loren.”
It was all I said, but it worked as they stopped and turned to peer at me. Loren smiled, and it gave me the strength to say more.
“The other day, I had a slip, I guess, a moment where I fell back into that time. I snapped out of it quickly, but it bugged me because it had happened so quickly. I shook it off, and we went on to our dress fittings. It was later when I realized what had triggered me, my brain working to solve the puzzle even when I wasn’t focusing on it.”
I took a deep breath and felt Jude squeeze my hand as Attie looked at me expectantly. His arms were crossed, and I could tell he was about to deny anything I stated. Holding his eyes, I gave him the evidence I hoped he’d believe.
“It was his cologne, Attie.” Looking over at Loren, I asked her for the clarification I needed. “You saw him that day, didn’t you? Right before we met?”
She nodded. “I did. It was our last session, actually. The one where he was very manic and spouting off a lot of different information like how he…” she stopped looking over at Atticus. I knew I didn’t need to hear anymore; the information I did know haunted me enough.