“What was the reasoning then?”
“It’s hard… so hard to keep it from you. I want to tell you, I’ve never wanted to tell someone in my whole life more than I want to tell you. But doing that opens you up to more danger than I would ever want to put you in. I already feel so much guilt for what happened to you with the bombing, and I would never want you to be hurt like that again.”
Dropping my eyes, disappointment filled me. While I understood something was going on, and I didn’t want to deal with that knowledge, part of me needed the answer to verify if I mattered to him or if it was just pretty words, pretty lies he was telling me. Dropping my head more, I picked at my pants, brushing off some nonexistent lint.
“Yeah, that was intense,” I stated, my voice coming out shallow. “I’m still not sure I fully processed everything. It was more about focusing on healing and Jude. And then, you know, dealing with the fact that all the men in my life left me.” I hadn’t meant to put it out there like that. I didn’t want to keep beating him up, but it slipped, the pain of those moments filling me with grief.
“Yeah,” he said, accepting my agony, reminding me of how he’d been when I told him my darkest confession in this very room. Something in me shifted, the pain and hurt lifting a little and allowing me to see the truth of what I felt plastered on his face. “Beautiful, I can never be apologetic enough for what happened. I know it sounds like an excuse, but in my heart, I believed it was what was best. I wanted to give you protection, and I’ll never not be sorry for that. I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face if I have to.”
“I might regret this too, but what do I need protection from?”
He hesitated, debating what to tell me, and I knew it was a precipice for us. When he began to answer, the breath I hadn’t known I was holding released.
“There are people in my family’s world that want to hurt us, and you’d be the number one way to accomplish it. You’re not just connected to me, but Immy and Sax, now. It makes you valuable, and hurting you, inevitably would hurt Atticus.”
“You’re kind of freaking me out now, Nicco. People want to hurt you? I thought this was some business competitor, but it sounds like something deeper… more.” I knew I was grasping at straws, and if I really thought about it, a bombing attempt was extreme because they were angry about a sushi restaurant. Still, the mind did curious things when presented with truths you weren’t prepared to believe yet.
“I told you, my family… is complicated.”
Agreeing, I nodded. “I’m starting to understand that even more, now. I don’t think I want to know anything else at the moment.” I bit my lip, worry filling me. I didn’t want the people I was beginning to care about to be under attack either, but I was at my limit, and I knew it.
“It’s probably better that way. Honestly. The less you know, the safer you will be.”
“There’s a curious part of me that wants to pull the string, you know? I don’t know if I’m more worried about what I’m getting myself into or for you. I guess I wanted a choice, but I don’t know what that choice should be. I’m starting to agree with your reasoning to stay away even if it hurt.”
Nicco moved closer, with no hesitancy this time, and cupped both my cheeks. “Beautiful, listen, I don’t know if there is a right or wrong decision. All I know is that I need you in my life, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that it happens. Life without you was miserable. I don’t want to live that way if I don’t have to. Do you understand?”
Nodding slowly, I didn’t drop my eyes from his. They were so earnest and full of strength. I wanted to be that certain about something, and I wanted to be part of whatever he was offering. This was the Nicco I’d fallen for, the one who had told me he had me when I was falling apart in his arms after sex. The one who said he’d be my tour guide and took me on a journey of self-discovery.
“I understand, and I absolve you of any guilt. It was a greater kindness you did, and I see that now. I think… at this point, I couldn’t walk away even if it was for the best. All of you have entrenched yourselves into my life, and it was empty without you. I’ll listen and do whatever is needed. I’m trusting you to have our best interest at heart because Jude and I, we’re a package deal.”
He dropped his head to mine, his breath fanning over my face, and I closed my eyes, soaking him in. Nicco pulled back, and I noticed his eyes were glossy. “Beautiful, I don’t make promises I can’t keep. So hear me when I say this, I promise with my life to protect you and Jude, and while I know I still have to make up for the pain I caused, and things are still up in the air for us, I want you to know I’m okay with Sax. I was jealous at first, but I accepted it because I didn't fight hard enough. But then I got to thinking how it made perfect sense. So, if we ever get back to that place, I won’t make you choose.”
I sucked in a breath, his words echoing the fears in my heart. “You’re not mad or disgusted?”
“No, Beautiful. I told you before I wanted you to explore, and I would be here for you in whatever capacity that meant. I stand by that.”
“Thank you,” I breathed. Pulling back, I needed some space from the intimate moment before I kissed him. “You know, I’m enjoying getting to discover who you are on a real level. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was phenomenal, and you helped me figure out who I am becoming as a woman. I just don’t want to lose myself again.”
“I don’t want you to lose yourself either.”
“I’m glad we can have these types of conversations. That was one of the things I missed the most about you, Nicco. You were someone I could talk to openly with, and then you were just gone. I didn’t know what to do with that.”
“I’ll never be able to say sorry enough.”
“I know, and I don’t want you to feel like you always have to apologize; that’s no relationship either.”
“I don’t, Beautiful. I look at you, and mostly, I’m angry I missed out on months of your life. On time I could’ve been getting to know you more. I used the excuses, and it was cowardly of me.”
“I’m just glad we’re here now,” I affirmed. “I think if we take things slow, I’d be ready for more. But, right now, I need a new topic. I don’t know if I can handle any more emotions.”
“Sure. How about we discuss the tattoo you owe me?” He smirked, a mischievous look on his face.
“The what now?” I asked, attempting to deflect.
“Oh, I’m sure you remember our little bet at the fight? I said if everybody wasn’t enamored with you, then you won, and I’d have to do anything you wanted without complaint. And if I won, then you had to get a tattoo. Based on the fact that not one, not two, but three men were at that booth drooling over you that night, not to mention every man in that VIP section, means I win.” He paused, a smug look on his face. He leaned closer, whispering, “So, Beautiful, what tattoo are you going to get?”
“Wow, I didn’t think I was gonna have to go through with it.”