The steaming food was a welcome disruption, and I used it to wash away the emotions that had sprouted up, not ready, or wanting to deal with them yet. After we’d both taken a few bites, Logan began again. I couldn’t even taste what I was eating, the movements mechanical as I speared my fork and placed it in my mouth, my thoughts whirling a mile a minute.
“I think I might be able to help you there. I had an associate of mine look into things after you called,” he paused, taking a bite. I rested my utensils on my plate, too anxious now to take another. It felt like an eternity while he chewed, and I found irrational irritation bubbling up in me. When he’d finished his bite, he wiped his mouth politely, taking a sip of his water. It might have been only a minute, but it felt like an eternity while I waited, holding my breath for what he had to share.
“I believe I have enough to help you. The question you have to ask yourself is, how far do you want to take it?”
His question took me by surprise, and I swallowed, understanding what he was asking. The cold exterior of the Komodo fell over me as I debated my recourse. It wasn’t comfortable, a mask I wore out of necessity, the weight heavy with doubt, fear, and desperation. The more time I spent with Loren, though, the tighter the strain on it felt, reminding me it wasn’t who I was.
I didn’t like the person I became in those moments, but I’d accepted it, believing it was the only choice. I’d thought I was past it, but here I was, finding myself warring with the desire to turn off my emotions and crush Brittni, and my heart understanding she was still Levi’s mother. I wasn’t confident I could be the one to take her away from him. But if it meant her or me, I’d choose Levi every time.
“To get my son back, whatever it takes.”
He dipped his head in understanding, and something that looked like respect reflected back in his eyes. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a card, sliding it across the table to me.
“I’ll let Cohen know you’ll be in touch.”
“Thank you.”
Logan nodded, and the conversation fell to trivial topics as we finished our meal. He told me about reconnecting with his niece and how he just started a new security company with a friend, Alpha Security Solutions. When I laughed, he only grinned as he continued to talk.
“So you still have your foundation, H.M.E? What does that stand for anyway?”
“Ah,” he chuckled, “it stands for Hail Mary Enterprises and it’s a conglomerate of entities I oversee. I’m the guy people call in when they’re on their last Hail Mary.”
“That explains why you’re so busy,” I mused, smiling at him. “Makes sense how it connects to the security one too. Do you even have time to play hockey anymore?”
“Not very much, unfortunately. I try to get in some slaps of the stick when I can, but up until a few months ago, I’d been focused on a project. Now, things are beginning to thin, and I think I’ll have more time to live life.”
“I’m guessing that might have something to do with your niece?”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“Funny how kids change things.”
Logan chuckled, signaling the waiter for the bill. “Well, she’s in her twenties, so not much of a kid, but yes, I want to spend time with her. I was very close to her mother, and while she’s not biologically related, I care for her deeply. It’s like getting Victoria back to some degree just by being in her presence. If you ever find a woman who makes the bad things not seem so dark and the good things a million times more, then do whatever it takes to hold on to her. I was young, naive, and I thought I had time or would meet someone else. But now I’m in my 40’s, an eternal bachelor, and know the young love I felt for her was the most honest love I’ve ever found.”
“You know, I’m starting to understand what you mean. Before everything with Brittni, I had started to see a woman who made me smile even when she wasn’t around. I paused things to focus on Levi, and while I don’t regret the decision because he deserves all of my attention, I hate it had to happen. It makes me resent Brittni even more for the moments she’s stolen from me, not only with Levi but Loren too.”
“Then, you’re doing the right thing. I can tell you’re willing to do it, and the only reason why I gave you the card. But I can also see your guilt and fear over what you might have to do. Don’t, Monroe. I’ve known you for years, and you’re a good man. You’ve helped me out of a few situations and a few of my clients. You’re not someone who maliciously attacks others. And to be honest, I wondered if there was someone new in your life because you do seem different. You’re more confident, and there’s this happiness that, based on the circumstances, shouldn’t be there. I expected to come here tonight and get you drunk while we plotted your ex’s demise, but you’re a man who is focused and knows what he is fighting for. I’m happy for you. So don’t feel guilty. Brittni started this, and if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s ending things. Grab hold of the life you want to live and don’t let anyone else take it from you.”
I nodded, his words penetrating the fear that had wrapped around me. He was right. I didn’t need to feel pity for her or guilt. She made her choices, and there were consequences for them. I also couldn’t wait for others to decide my life was worth living for me. I had to do that on my own as well.
I had hoped to come out of this dinner with a solution to my custody battle, and instead, I left with not only that, but a declaration on my heart to fight for myself. I had to stop being scared I wouldn’t be enough and embrace it. I had it wrong all along.
My life wasn’t about pleasing others and being needed. It wasn’t about being the Komodo Dragon either to get what I wanted. It was time I accepted all facets of myself and just be me, Monroe Miller.
A devoted father who loved learning new things to do with his son.
A divorcee who was learning the difference between lust and love, but most importantly, that he was worthy of love being reciprocated.
A lawyer who could be ruthless but knew where to draw the line.
A dork who was awkward but found a kindred connection in Loren.
A fighter who was learning he could be strong without sacrificing himself.
And mostly, a man who could want two people and be brave enough to risk it all for the life and family he’d always dreamed.
Waving goodbye, I set off in a direction I knew well, but with a renewed sense of hope. Things were going to change.
And it all started with me.