"Thank you. I appreciate that. It also means a lot you felt the need to tell me, you know." I grinned. "Things are still new and unsure between us, but I like that you're taking it seriously and being open. It tells me a lot about who you are as a person. You're a good man, Monroe."
Leaning up, I kissed him gently on the lips before pulling back. He seemed a little stunned at my move, and I wondered if I'd gone too far. As I moved back, a brilliant smile crossed his face before dropping.
"Uh, there's just one more thing."
Laughing, I nodded for him to continue. The fact I was having these conversations before I even had my coffee was kind of blowing my mind when I thought about it. A week ago, I was staring out the window, grief so heavy it was a coat, dampening everything in my life.
"This is about… Wells," he started, darting his eyes all over my face. Keeping my expression blank, I knew this had to be important. I wanted him to be able to express whatever he needed to without my emotions getting in the way. It was a skill you learn basically on your first day of graduate school—how to be the safe space to hold someone else's emotions.
"I told you the other night how he was my oldest friend, my best friend."
"Yes." I nodded encouragingly.
"When we were teens, I developed feelings for him. It started as one of those things where we messed around because it was convenient and easy," he admitted. "I don't know when it changed to more, but it did. I kept them to myself, thinking I was alone in it. I met Brittni at school, and we dated on and off for a couple of years."
Monroe swallowed, squeezing my hand more as he gathered himself. I turned more, keeping his hand in mine but now able to hold it with both of mine. Swiping my thumb across his palm, I attempted to soothe his anxiety with my touch. His soft smile made me feel on top of the world.
"There was a moment I thought he might say something, but when it didn't happen, I told myself to move on. I wanted the life I hadn't lived. The wife, the kid, and the picket fence," Monroe chuckled. "So, when Brittni and I got back together again, I decided to propose. She was the closest thing I'd felt to him, so I thought it was love, and it would grow once I'd let him go, you know. I finished law school, we got married, and we bought a house. When she got pregnant, it was like I finally had it all."
"But you weren't happy," I guessed. My words had him looking up, relief and appreciation in his eyes.
"No, I wasn't. How did you know?"
"I just do," I shrugged, not able to explain it. "What happened then?"
"Wells and I had drifted apart in my attempt to build the life I thought would make me happy. Time to time though we would still get together and catch up. He'd gotten his MBA and passed his series 7 test. Wells worked almost as much as I did. We both were trying to move up our corporate ladders, thinking it was the way. I was at a big firm, and I was the little guy inevitably ending up with all the shit cases. Anyway, not the point."
"It's cute when you ramble. Usually, I'm the one doing it," I admitted, smiling to help relax him. His responding chuckle made me feel like I'd succeeded. Butterflies erupted in my chest, my face flushing at the sound.
"We had a fight about something, and I didn't see him for a few years after that. It sucked because he was my best friend. At the end of the day, I didn't care about whatever we'd quarreled over. I just wanted him in my life. It was an empty one without him."
Monroe paused, the emotion heavy and I could hear his sadness. I never had a friend or a person I felt that strongly about. Even what I thought Brian and I had wasn't even close to the despair he was sharing. It made me want it too.
"I eventually moved up at work and became a junior partner. Levi started school, and we'd moved into a nicer house. I thought we were happy, or as happy as I imagined I could be. Everything was falling into place."
Clearing his throat, he picked up our hands, tracing his own pattern over my hand now. The feeling was nice and I cherished the small gesture.
"The first time I found out she was cheating, I'd come home early from work, and I found them fucking in our bed. It was some guy I'd been golfing with. The worst part, though, I hadn't cared. I felt relieved."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing. I quietly backed up and left. I drove around the neighborhood thinking for an hour before I returned home. Then I acted like nothing was wrong. I started finding more and more men she slept with behind my back. It was easy to see if I looked. Late-night phone calls, random messages on her phone, new clothing, and gifts I hadn't bought her, several trips she took with the girls but never returned with a tan. I collected them almost as a penance."
Tilting my head, I looked at him quizzically, not understanding what he meant. "I don't understand."
"I thought I was being punished for loving Wells more than I loved her. It also made me feel like the better person in our relationship and gave me something to hold over her, a selfish indignation I used to fuel me to keep moving forward. After a while, it eased my own guilt."
"Why didn't you leave her?"
"Fear honestly. I was worried it would be worse on my own. Levi had a family this way, and her cheating meant I didn't have to try anymore. I was off the hook to pretend to be the doting husband I didn't feel in my gut. It was easy, sadly. I was used to the routine and the normalcy. It made sense for my job and the things I liked about our life."
"So what changed? How did you end up getting a divorce?"
Blowing out a breath, he inhaled deeply before meeting my eyes. "Wells, actually. It'd been about two years since I'd seen him and a year since I'd discovered Brittni's adultery. Levi was about five at this time. He'd called and asked if we could get together. At first, it was nice. He came over and met Levi. We started hanging out again, much to Brittni's chagrin, but she couldn't say anything. After that, we fell back easily into being best friends like we always had."
"I'm guessing something happened?"
"Yeah, you could say that," he grimaced. "I didn't know the struggles he was having at work at the time, but it makes sense now. One night he showed up spouting about how things were meant to be different, how he screwed up. I honestly thought he was drunk and losing it because nothing made sense. Finally, he broke down and told me the stress he was under. Once he had unburdened himself, he was like a different man."