“I’m glad you’re her father,” she said softly.
“So am I.” He looked down at Alyssa again. “I’m not going to let her down. I’ll always be here for her.”
“I know you will.”
“And you, too. Whatever happens between us, I’ll always want to take care of you. Not just because you’re the mother of my child, but because you’re you. My friend, the person who brought me back to life.” He lifted his gaze to hers. “Thank you for mak
ing me want to live again.”
Hot, wet tears spilled down her cheeks.
“Don’t cry,” he said, moving Alyssa in his arms so he could reach out to wipe the wetness from Harper’s cheeks.
“They’re not sad tears,” she whispered. “Not at all.” Maybe there was a hint of regret there. A wistfulness of what might have been, if only they could have seen their way forward.
James kissed Alyssa’s head and continued, “I know that you don’t want complications, and I’m not planning on making things any more difficult than they already are. But you need to know you’re loved. By me.” His mouth curled into a smile. “You and Alyssa, you’re my life now. And I’ll take whatever that means. I’ll be your friend if that’s what you want.” He took a deep breath. “Or more, if you decide you want that, too.”
“More?” she asked him, her throat tight.
He looked at her through cloudy eyes. “I love you, Harper. And I messed everything up. I made you feel unwanted. Like a dirty secret I wasn’t willing to share. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life, because you’re nobody’s secret. You’re too vital for that. Since you came into my life it’s like you’ve been like an explosion of color, brightening up my dark existence. Being near you makes people smile. It makes me grin like I’m a little crazy. And maybe I am because I can’t imagine life without you, not anymore.”
“You don’t just want to be friends?” She wanted to laugh at the strangeness of the conversation. Less than an hour since she’d brought new life into the world, she was asking her baby’s father what he wanted from her. It was so topsy turvy, so different from how she imagined having her first child would be. And yet there was a realness to it that took her breath away. The same way his stare made the air catch in her throat.
“I do.” He nodded. “I want us to be together. But only if you’re willing to give that to me. And if you can’t, that’s okay, too. You taught me to live again, Harper. But now I’ve had a taste of life, I don’t ever want to go back to the darkness. If you only want to be friends – co-parents – I’ll take it.” He raised a brow. “Even if it’ll kill me.”
She took a moment to absorb his words, feeling hope rise up in her like it never had before. “What about Sara and Jacob?”
“I’ll always love them,” James told her. “How could I not? But another thing I’ve learned is that humans are capable of more love than I ever realized was possible. Sara and Jacob will always be in my heart, but now you and Alyssa are there, too.”
She pressed her lips together in an attempt to stem the tears. She wanted to believe. She did. But there was fear, too. James was a good man, he’d always try to do the right thing. How could she be sure he wasn’t doing that now?
As a child she’d been a burden. To her mother, her grandmother, to anybody who had to take care of her. It had hurt to know she could be left behind so easily by her mom, always in search of the next guy around the corner. But maybe it had been her grandmother who’d done the worst damage by showing her she wasn’t good enough. She needed to work harder, be prettier, to push down her natural ebullience and be quiet and graceful instead. Her grandmother hadn’t wanted Harper. She’d wanted a different child.
Somebody Harper could never be.
“What if I’m not as good as Sara?” she whispered to him. “What if I drive you crazy?”
He grinned at her, rocking Alyssa in a gentle rhythm against his chest. “I love your crazy. I love the way you get so passionate about everything. I even love the way you work yourself to the bone to get things done. I’d never compare you to Sara, or compare this gorgeous girl to Jacob. I don’t need to, because you’re both everything I want, exactly the way you are.”
“What if Alyssa grows up to be like me? Then you’ll be surrounded by crazy.”
“I can’t think of anything I’d love more. I want you with me, Harper. And our baby. I want to be with you in every way. Not because we have a child together, although that’s amazing. But because you’re you. Beautiful, funny, and talented, but most of all, you’re full of love. I can’t imagine life without you and I don’t want to try.”
“You’re making me cry again.”
“I’m hoping this is the last time I make you cry. From now on all I want is your smiles.”
Alyssa let out a wail. It wasn’t loud, the way Harper had expected a baby to sound. More like a tiny bird than a child. But still, her sweet face screwed up as she cried, her hands curling into fists.
“She looks like you when she’s angry,” Harper whispered.
James grinned. “Maybe she’ll be the best of both of us.” He rocked her again, but her crying increased. “I think she wants you,” he said softly. “You ready for her, Mom?”
Harper nodded. He stood and gently lifted Alyssa back into her arms. The baby began to snuffle against her, her mouth sucking against her skin.
“She’s hungry,” James told her. “Maybe we should try feeding her.”
“I’m not sure how.”