There was a hint of sadness as she said the last, her eyes dulling before she visibly composed herself and offered him the warmth of her smile, her eyes brightening once more.
Not want her? Her entire statement was filled with enough fodder for him to be thinking and reflecting on for months, if not years. But not want her?
Okay, so maybe in his past affairs—he wouldn’t call them relationships, because to do so would demean what he had with Evangeline now—such a statement from the woman involved would be likely—no, not even likely. It would be an eventuality. Inevitable. Because he never kept the same woman for more than a day, two at the most. But even given the short amount of time he’d known Evangeline, he couldn’t imagine not wanting her. And that scared the shit out of him.
He buried his face in her hair, overwhelmed by her generous, loving nature and his acknowledgment of the selfish bastard he was.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, gruffly giving voice to something he’d never before said to another woman. Something he’d never believed before now or even entertained. But he knew, whether his heart and mind were in agreement or not, that Evangeline deserved far better than he could ever give her. Even as the thought of her with another man sent fiery rage through his veins.
He closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of her hair, nuzzling lightly through the satiny tresses.
“I don’t deserve to walk on the same ground as you. But God help me, I won’t give you up. I can’t give you up. You deserve a man who can offer you all the things you give to him and more. More than I can give you, Angel. You deserve far better than I can ever give you.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you’ve decided you can’t give me up since I don’t plan on going anywhere,” she said lightly. “I’m yours, Drake. For as long as you want me, I’m yours.”
He could envision the smile he was certain was on her face. The one that lit up an entire room and bathed it in sunshine. He knew without seeing her exactly what she looked like right this very moment, and it only made him feel like an even bigger bastard.
She tenderly tugged his head away so their gazes met and then cradled his face with her palms, her touch as soothing as an ocean breeze. There was such gentle understanding in her eyes that the rock-hard shell that had surrounded his heart and mind for so much of his life began to crack and splinter, and he knew he couldn’t allow it to shatter and fall apart. How could one innocent woman wreak so much havoc in his well-ordered existence? A daily routine that had become an unyielding ritual, shot to hell, not to mention the conscience he had never possessed picked now to reveal itself? He was as merciless and as cutthroat as they came. He hadn’t gotten to where he was by being soft or suffering symptoms of a conscience or by adhering to any rules save his own. And yet one tiny woman threatened the only way of life he’d ever known? The life he’d created for himself out of sheer necessity.
He knew he should cut her loose now. Do the right thing and push her away. Let her go before he ended up destroying them both. But at least the cold, ruthless man he had been for as long as he could remember hadn’t disappeared—yet. And thank God for that, because as long as he remained a heartless, selfish bastard there was no way in hell he would ever let Evangeline go.
If that made him a complete asshole, then so be it. He would shield her from the reality of the world he lived in and make sure that his other life—the one she had no knowledge of—never touched her in any way.
He’d learned at a very young age that nothing is ever guaranteed and promises are rarely—if ever—kept. But he would make himself one promise right now, a risk he’d never before taken, because broken promises to others were bad enough, but breaking a vow to himself was unthinkable.
He wouldn’t hurt Evangeline, nor would he ever lie to her. She deserved that much respect and it was more than he ever offered anyone else. He would do whatever it took to protect and shield her from the truth, the reality, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie to her when she demonstrated so much trust and faith in him.
Trusting others was an alien concept to him, but for her, he would try. He could learn. She’d already taught him much. That good did exist in a world that hadn’t done much to prove that fact to him. She’d given him no reason to doubt her or her motives, and that alone was far more deserving than what he currently offered her. Anything that money could buy, but his angel wasn’t for sale. Couldn’t be bought. What she wanted most was something he wasn’t sure he could give her.