“I…” He blushes bright red which drags out a deep fear inside of me. What if this tale is really bad? “I saw you, you were with Katherine then, sitting across from me and we shared this really intense moment of eye contact.”
I open my lips to tell him that I remember that because it’s exactly how we met but then I recall that Katherine wasn’t with me then, I was alone, which means he must be talking about another time entirely. A time I don’t remember. It makes me shift with discomfort to know that we have a history that I don’t know about.
“And then I started to walk over to you, to talk to you because I really felt like we could have something… and I was right, wasn’t I? I mean, we’re here now in the middle of a good relationship, am I right.”
“I…” I shrug, I can’t exactly disagree with him, can I? “I suppose you’re right.”
“Yeah, but as I walked over to you the train stopped suddenly and I spilled coffee over you right before you had your interview and we ended up… having quite a bad argument. I thought that you hated me.”
Huh… there was me earlier on smugly thinking that me and Logan haven’t got that sort of chemistry to make us argue, but now it turns out that our very first meeting was just that. “We… yelled?”
“You did most of the yelling.” I hate the way I can see the memory behind his gaze. It’s so obviously real and it must be in my brain somewhere but I just can’t find it. It sucks. “But that’s fair enough because I did wreck your outfit. Obviously, I didn’t mean to but I can still understand. It was bad timing for sure…”
“I was supposed to be getting my life back together,” I tell him, almost talking to myself. “It was supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life. I’d just left my old, miserable life behind. My ex boyfriend, my awful job in a bar, friends that didn’t really give a shit about me… Katherine wanted me to get a job to start over.”
“Oh God.” Logan’s head falls into his hands. “Now I feel even worse about what happened.”
“Well, don’t. I didn’t want the job anyway and I ended up with the money so it’s all good.”
The money that now feels hollow since I had to lose a big part of my life to get it. Not that I’m too bitter…
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? This is the most bitter that I’ve ever been. I thought the memories I lost were all pointless ones that I didn’t care about. Making a coffee, getting dressed, getting on the train. But how can I have forgotten him? Does that mean Logan isn’t the man for me after all? I should remember meeting the love of my life, shouldn’t I? I don’t think we’re quite there yet, but I know I could love Logan. Or at least, I did.
Now I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing makes any sense at all.
“Well, I felt bad about it for ages.” Logan looks at me, desperate for me to forgive him. “That’s why I kept making comments about it. I want to make it up to you, I didn’t know you couldn’t remember.”
I start to remember all the weird comments he made that I brushed under the carpet to begin with, but now they all come flooding back, mostly the one about the Orient Express. Of course I get it now.
“Oh, I see… well, I don’t know how to remember any of it.” My tone is stiff. “And I don’t think I will.”
“Well, actually.” Logan’s eyes light up. “I’ve been doing some research which I think can help you.”
He pulls out a giant hand written list where he’s written down all kinds of things. I feel overwhelmed as I scan my eyes over the words he’s carefully noted in his nicest writing. It makes me feel like I’m drowning, I’m sinking further and further under the water, slipping, losing control and there’s nothing I can do to save myself. I can’t kick, I can’t move my arms, I can’t even stop the water from filling my lungs. I’m stuffed. I didn’t look into is as much as he has and it affects me. Isn’t this a little suffocating? Isn’t he being pushy?
“I… I…” I want to say something but I can barely breathe never mind speak. “I…”
“We should try those things. Like, maybe not the meds but the brain training. Or this… it says if you discuss the days you can’t fully remember in detail then things might start flashing back. If we talk about that day then maybe it’ll come flooding back. I know the details that you seem to be missing. I can help.”
I don’t like the way that makes me feel. It’s as if there’s something seriously wrong with me. “It’s just a bit of memory loss. It isn’t anything to worry about. You’ve just told me everything anyway and it hasn’t worked.”
“No, you haven’t told me your side of the day, you know? Like, what you did. That could help, right?”
I feel childish and petty which is only highlighted by the way my bottom lip pouts out like a teenager. “I don’t think so. I don’t think I want to talk about it. I just want to forget it ever happened.”
“So, you don’t ever want to remember us?” His wounded puppy dog eyes are killing me. “You don’t want to remember the first time that we met even though it’s kinda important, don’t you think?”
I can’t be so irritable that I hurt him. Much as this isn’t my fault, well, aside from being really clumsy and falling down the stairs, it isn’t Logan’s either. He didn’t
ask for any of this. He got sucked in by mistake.
“Fine, whatever. I suppose it can’t hurt.” I shrug, trying to act all breezy like I’m not completely troubled by this. “But I warn you there’s a lot of that day I can’t remember. It isn’t just you I’ve forgotten.”
“I’ll try not to be offended by that.” He takes a seat and indicates for me to do the same. I still feel too restless to remain in one place, but I try my best. “Now, let’s start from the moment you woke up and go from there.”
I grip onto my forehead as an ache starts there. This is getting too much now. I can not go over it again and again, it’s driving me crazy. I might be getting thin little strips of images in my head, but they aren’t enough to be solid and it’s too much hard work to keep at it. Logan is relentless, is driving me mad.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I snap, while pushing myself away from him. “I want to go home.”