“But this is working…” Logan looks desperate. “I don’t think we should give up now. We’re getting somewhere. You just said you can recall a stain on your shirt which is something.”
Maybe I did but now that memory has gone and the fact that I can’t cling onto it is killer. “Yeah, well maybe I just said that to get you off my back because you’re doing my head in.” Rage rolls off my tongue. “Maybe you just put that picture there because you keep going on and on about it. I don’t know anymore.”
I storm towards the door, needing to breathe. I’m going to have to get away from Logan before it turns into something massive. I know that we’ve argued before but I don’t remember it and I don’t want it to happen again. It’ll feel really weird to yell at someone that I’ve only really shared kind words with before.
“No, Tamara, please don’t go.” He jumps up and reaches out to grab me. “Please, stay.”
Hot tears burn behind my eyes, I don’t want them to fall in front of Logan, my pride has already been hurt enough. “No, Logan, just let me go. Please. I need to get the hell out of here. I can’t stay.”
He must be able to see the desperation in my eyes before he falls backwards a little, taking a couple of steps away. He might not want me to go but he’s letting me. I take the opportunity and I run. I race to the front door and I take off, leaving him behind. I need to be alone, I need to deal with this myself. Now that Katherine has outed me with the truth I can’t bury my head in the sand any longer. I’m going to have to actually face it.
I don’t want to, I wasn’t ever going to, but now I have no choice.
Damn Katherine.
Damn Logan.
Damn all of them.
21
Logan
I pace the room up and down, spinning around and around in circles while my brain churns. The last couple of days have been really hard, I can barely cope with everything that’s happened, but at least Tamara is letting me back in her life again which is something. After she ran out on me like that I feared it was us done forever. She didn’t take the news well at all and I’m pretty freaked out by how bad it’s still affecting her. I haven’t seen this sad before and it’s hard. All I want to do is take that negative emotion away from her.
“Hey.” She walks into the doctor’s office with that down turned expression I don’t like being used to. “Thank you for coming with me today. I don’t really want to face this alone.”
Her shoulders are hunched forwards like she’s shrinking in on herself. Her feet shuffle along the ground as discomfort flows through her. I feel bad for pushing her into this, but now she’s so desperate to come out of her amnesia that it seems like this is the only way. She doesn’t want to hear me but maybe a medical professional will be able to get through to her. I can only hope! Anything to make her smile again.
I sigh deeply, missing the look of her lips turned up into a smile. No one can make me as happy as seeing the joy in Tamara’s face. Even the memory of her joy has the ability to turn my mood around.
“It’s okay.” I step closer to Tamara wanting to comfort her but she doesn’t seem too keen so I let my eager hands hang loosely around my hips. “You know I don’t mind doing anything for you.”
“Yeah well, this isn’t exactly what you signed up for, is it? You probably don’t want this. I would totally understand if you want to go because it isn’t pleasant.” She gives me a look but her eyes are blank as if she’s turned off all of the emotion inside of her. I want to reach in to pull it out but she’s blocking me. She should just feel however she’s feeling. I don’t think keeping stuff inside is healthy. I would try to tell her as much but I don’t know how well she would take it. I don’t imagine too good at this point. “You should just go.”
“Are you suggesting I should break up with you over this?” I’m dumb founded. “Because I don’t want that.”
“It’s too soon for you to be having to deal with this sort thing. We haven’t known each other long enough.”
“But… we’re together… and we were panning a trip together. That was fast, why can’t this be?”
“Because this is different,” she spits back. “And this is horrible. In fact, I don’t even want you to be here with me, I don’t know why I allowed you to get all in my head anyway. I should deal with this alone.”
Her angry words say one thing but her body language says another. I make a mental note to just allow myself to be a punching bag if she needs someone to take her frustrations out on but I won’t be pushed away. I’ll prove my strength to her and show that I’m willing to go through whatever with her, because I really do like her. She crashed into my life in the craziest way and she’s certainly shaken things up in a way that I wasn’t expecting and I definitely wasn’t looking for, but I’m in now. I’ve dived in with two feet and I want to stay with her.
Tamara is someone I could quite easily fall in love with, and I won’t give up on that.
Instead of leaving like she probably thinks I’m going to, I grab her and pull her to me for a hug. While holding her close to my body I wait until she relaxes and finally molds into me allowing me to comfort her. Automatically I run my fingers through her raven hair, combing it in a way that I hope is comforting. I just want to calm her down, so I treat her like a princess. A wet patch forms on my shirt and it kills me to know that she’s crying, but I keep on holding her until finally one of the nurses comes out into the hallway to call her in for her appointment with the doctor. She pulls away from me so rapidly I fear that she might shut me out once more, but then she brushes the tears from her face and loops her hand through mine, before taking me with her.
I don’t know what we’re going to learn once we get into the appointment, but I hope it’ll be useful. For Tamara, if anyone could use some positivity right now it’s her. She needs this win, which is what has my praying with my head tilted towards the sky. I’m willing to pray to any God that might help us right now.
The doctor’s office is well lit, maybe a little too bright for my liking. It has a weird white glow that seems the bring out every tiny red patch on the doctor’s face. The knowledge that I must look just as bad doesn’t sit well with me. Under all the stress of everything that’s going on, this is the last thing I need.
“Tamara Owen?” She nods at his expectant look. “Good, it’s great to have you here. Please take a seat.”
As we both sit down, Tamara takes her hand from me but only for a brief second. She soon grips onto it with all of her might, almost squeezing it to the point where it hurts. I can wince through the pain though, it’s nothing compared to what she’s suffering. Plus, I can’t forget that I’m being her punching bag!
“So, Miss Owen, you’re here because you’re still suffering with neuropathic issues?” She nods silently. I think her voice box must have been completely stripped from her body. “I see, and I’m sure this must be getting very frustrating by now, it has been a while since the fall. How bad are your memories?”