“Oh, I don’t know,” she said sarcastically. “Maybe the fact that promises to be truthful to each other mean absolutely nothing.”
“Okay, what are you talking about?” I asked.
“You had lunch with my father before I even could get him on the phone,” she said. “You talked to him about us, and then you didn’t even extend the courtesy to let me know what he’d said. I looked like an idiot when I brought us up. We had just had a whole conversation about no more lies or holding things from each other, and you did it anyway.”
I was pissed—no, beyond pissed—because she was doing it again. She was thinking of every possible reason to get out of having a normal conversation about a relationship. She had built her walls up so high that she was nothing more than a bitter woman who was running full steam away from her past. The problem was, she was trying to make me her past, and I wasn’t willing to make that happen without a fight. Her tone of voice told me she was looking for a fight, and if that were the case, I could easily give it to her. In reality, though, I needed her to understand what she was doing, because in her mind it seemed to be a protective instinct. On the outside, she was just angry and pushing and pulling me back and forth, depending on where her fear and emotions were landing that day.
“I’ve had enough,” I snipped.
“What?”
“You know what I think?” I took a deep breath and knew this was dangerous territory. “I think you’re a coward, a woman who is too afraid to be happy so you sabotage relationships. I think you are looking for every minute excuse to break it off with me. You want to be with me, but you’re picking fights because you’re scared. Well, I refuse to be the guy that falls for your anger. I am going to sit through this with you, and in the end, you’re going to see that I care, but you’re making it really hard for me to have empathy for you.”
“Excuse me?” She was pissed.
“Ava, I love you, but you’re pushing me away every chance you get,” I said angrily. “You should be glad I went to your father first. Otherwise, he would have been still pissed at me when you revealed your feelings. I didn’t want to take away from an understanding with your father, so I waited to tell you. I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t relay information to you at a speed in which you were comfortable.”
“I don’t need this,” she said angrily.
“You don’t need what? Me? A normal life? A successful career?” I stepped up the tone of my voice. “What do you want, Ava? You want me to be honest, so there you have it. You are terrified of a real relationship, and until you can stop yourself from sabotaging everything good in your life, you are going to be miserable.”
With that I hung up, not wanting to fight with her any longer. She was not going to admit to me that I was right. She wasn’t even going to admit to herself that I was right. How was I supposed to have a relationship with a woman who did everything she could to come up with excuses why she couldn’t be in a relationship? Every time she did it, my heart sunk a little lower. Everything was supposed to turn out right, everything had turned out right, but now Ava was sabotaging it because she was terrified of having everything that she wanted. With her and I as a couple, she would have the family life she wanted, the career she wanted, the family closeness she wanted, and she would be able to handle it all with laughter and humor. Instead, she was pushing everything extra to the side and just making it way harder than it needed to be. I was starting to get angry over it all, but who knew what had been said during her meeting with her father.
I doubted very strongly that Dean would go behind my back, but I also knew Dean would have told her I met him for lunch. Sure, I could have told her about it right away, but I was trying to respect her space and give her the opportunity to talk to her father before any decisions were made. I picked my phone back up and scrolled through the numbers, landing on Dean’s name. I wanted to know what he told her, ask him if he had changed his mind, and figure out just how to fix all of it.
“Hello,” Dean said happily.
“Hey, brother,” I replied with a sigh.
“Uh oh, what happened?”
“I need to ask you a question,” I said.
“Shoot,” he said. “I’ll try to answer you the best way possible.”
“Ava is pissed at me for talking to you at lunch,” I said. “I was hoping you could tell me what, if anything, you talked about with her over lunch. Anything you can think of that may have sent her over the deep end.”
“Nothing,” Dean said. “We talked about life, and I told her that she had my blessing for starting a relationship with you. Other than that, we didn’t really talk about anything. Why?”
“I just got a call from her pissed at me because I talked to you before her,” I replied. “I wanted her to be able to make up her own mind without influence from our conversation. It seems that was the wrong thing to do, and now she’s pushing me away for yet another project.”
“I’m sorry, man,” Dean said. “I wish I could help you, but I have no idea why she is acting that way.”
“It’s alright,” I said. “Thanks for giving it a try.”
I hung up the phone with Dean and sat back down on the couch, trying to think about what my next move should be. I was extremely disappointed that Ava didn’t tell me that her father had given her the blessing as well. Now, it almost seemed like she didn’t want anything to do with me. She had read into something that happened and instead of coming to me and asking questions, she lost her nuts and bolts on me, trying to keep herself a safe distance from me. I thought for sure that once her father agreed to feel okay with us being together, she would jump right into growing and strengthening our relationship. I was wrong though, and now I was left feeling just as bad as before.
Dean had tried to be helpful, but he was tired, and hadn’t been there when she and I had talked, so he didn’t see what I saw on a daily basis. She would pull me in and then throw me backward, wishing for calmness and normality, but when she was offered the chance, she ran in the opposite direction. I loved this woman, and I wanted to be with her, but things had to change, loosen up a bit. She had to start listening to her heart instead of her brain, which seemed to be too much for her. Maybe too much to take the second chance we’d been gifted.
Chapter 32
Ava
Mondays were always the worst, especially when you spent your Sunday getting chewed out by the guy you loved because you couldn’t get your shit together enough to allow yourself to be happy. Monday mornings were the worst when you opened your tired eyes to the bright sun coming in your window or the loud as hell alarm that was asking to be thrown across the room. Monday cab rides to work were the worst because you just wanted to sleep while you sat in traffic, but the cab always smelled like egg sandwiches or stale coffee and cigarettes. Mondays at work were the worst because you had to pretend to be awake while being dragged into meetings and being expected to be coherent enough to answer questions about work you spent the last two and half days desperately trying to forget.
That Monday, the one I woke up feeling like I had been told more about myself in a couple sentences, than I had learned about myself in twenty-five years, was the worst one yet. When I got to the office, I struggled through answering emails, making sure I didn’t misspell too many words and I didn’t fall asleep writing it. No matter how much sleep you got on Sunday night, you were always dragging ass on Mondays. Then, I had to go sit in a meeting, headed by Tanner where I felt completely disconnected. I was nervous as hell, knowing I had to face him after having a breakdown over the logistics of telling my father about us. I couldn’t focus on anything he was saying, and my mind had drifted so far off-kilter, I forgot every few minutes that I was sitting in the conference room.
“Do you have those prepared, Ava?” I could hear Tanner’s voice, but it was still in the background of my thoughts. It took him saying my name again to snap me back to the present. “Ava?”