I shake my head, trying to stop thinking about anything other than my father, and I force my legs to move forwards. This is what I have been working towards, this is what I need. Even though it wasn’t that long ago that I was here last, it feels like it has been a lifetime because so much has changed. So damn much. My mother, my relationship, my career… God, I don’t even know. It’s too much for words.
“Dad?” I call out anxiously as I step inside the door. “Dad, are you here?”
My father knows that I’m coming, but to be honest he has been a bit scatter brained recently. I don’t know if he’s remembered that I am home today. I don’t know if he knows anything right about now.
“Dad?” luckily, it doesn’t take me long to find him. He’s in the kitchen with his head on the table, a mug of cold coffee that could have been there for a very long time, sitting untouched in front of him. “I’m here.”
“Hi, son.” He barely lifts his head off the table to look at me. “Good to see you.”
“Oh, Dad. You look awful.” I sit beside him and look on hopelessly. “I’m so sorry about all of this. I’m sorry for all of it. For speaking to Mom, for telling you about it, for taking a while to come back.”
“This isn’t your fault, Seth, I don’t blame you. Everything that your mother has done is her own decision making, I know that. She left me because she wanted to, she took drugs knowing exactly what that would do to her in the end, she reached out to you only for money because that’s what her life has become…” He looks up at me at last and I’m overwhelmed as I see the sadness in his eyes. “I’m just grieving, that’s all. It’s like someone I love has died, not just become someone else, and it make
s me feel sad that I have wasted my life on her.”
He has, and that’s what’s sad. He has wasted so many of his best years hanging onto a woman who wasn’t even a person anymore, just a shell addicted to drugs.
“You should take this as a positive, Dad, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. You should take this as the first day of the rest of your life. Now, you don’t have to hang on to something that won’t happen anymore. You can finally start finding love with someone else… if that’s what you want. I don’t know what you want…”
“I guess I do want that.” He nods slowly. “I want that a lot. I have just been holding on.”
His body slumps forward, I can almost see the tension rolling off his shoulders. I hope that this is him letting go of everything with my mother and finally moving passed it. It will take time, I know that, it isn’t going to just happen overnight. Love doesn’t work that way, but I can help him.
“I’m going to stay for as long as you need me to,” I reassure him. “So, you don’t need to be worried.”
“I don’t want you to put your life on hold because of me. Because of your mother.”
“It isn’t like that. Not at all. I want to be there for you. I want to be here. I need a break from LA.”
He gives me a look but seems to sense that I really do mean this, so he nods gratefully. “Thank you, Seth. It means a lot to me that you are here. It’s always good to have you around, you know?”
As we hug, I find my eyes drawing towards the window, towards Darcy’s house, and I can’t help but wonder if she is around. I don’t know where else she would be, where else she would run away to. It makes sense that she’s here, within my reach all over again. I could contact her, see where we stand, speak to her, try and reconnect… but I’m not here for that, I don’t know where her head is at, I’m here for my father. His issues need to come first, any mess that I have made for my own life can come later on.
“This is nice,” Dad declares while tapping his fork against the plate of food I cooked for him earlier. He doesn’t look like he has eaten for days so it’s good to see something going down. “Thanks, Seth.”
“You’re welcome. I bet you’re impressed with how well I can cook these days.”
“I am.” He nods and smiles. “But I’m not surprised. You have always been good at picking things up.” He puts his fork down and gives me a curious look. “You keep staring towards the house next door. You have been doing it ever since you got here. Is Darcy there? I haven’t seen any sign of her, but she might be…”
“You haven’t seen her?” Now that disappoints me. “Not at all? Not even a glimpse?”
“No, but I haven’t exactly been out much so that doesn’t mean anything. She could be there I suppose.”
“Right, yes, well…” I don’t know where to go from there. I don’t know what to do. “I don’t know…”
“Look, I haven’t exactly been for love, have I? I have always been against it, but that’s because of my own experiences, nothing to do with you or anyone else. I don’t have the right to project my feelings on you. It seems like you had a good thing with Darcy, and it got all fucked up because of some bad photos. Believe me, I know how damaging a bad photo can be, I have been on the receiving end of things. But that doesn’t have to be the end of you and her. If you want to make it work, then you can’t both run away from problems like this. One of you can run away, but the other one needs to chase after that person. You both go and you lose it. Your situation isn’t like mine; I think that you can make it right if you get back together. If you try…”
I glance back towards the house again, yearning for her. I think I owe it to her to try. A conversation will at least give me closure anyway. I want to know what happened.
“Yeah, maybe you are right.” I nod a few times. “Maybe I should go and talk to her.”
“You should. I mean, if that’s what you want. You should. Only you know how good the pair of you were together, whether it’s something worth fighting for. Only you can give it a try…”
“Did you chase after Mom?” I ask him curiously, just needing to know. “Did you try?”
“Your mom went to a place where no one could find her, so I wasn’t given a choice.”
I don’t know if he means physically or metaphorically but I suppose it’s all the same. He couldn’t get my mother back where I still have a chance if I want to take it. And I do. I really do want to take it.