“Which is exactly why you need to go, to cleanse yourself and start fresh. Doesn’t that sound perfect?” I can’t do anything but nod, because the emotions are starting to get to me now. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have an incredible friend like Ivy. She really is a bright silver lining to the black cloud of my life. “Good, because you need to get your ass in gear and pack. We are going today. No time like the present.”
“Really? Today?” Oh my God, the excitement just keeps getting bigger and better. “Are you serious?”
“It was cheaper to get last minute tickets, so yep, sure is.” She beams happily. “So, time to get packed up.”
I leap up from the couch, much more excited about everything. Life feels amazing now, much more positive than things have been in a long time. This really can be a fresh start for me, a platform to get stronger from. This situation isn’t ideal, but I
can be strong enough to handle it, can’t I? I should be strong enough to handle anything. Even if it is heartbreak, a failed relationship, and a poor baby in the middle of it…
“New York, New York,” I say in a sing song tone of voice as I spin around happily. “We’re here.”
“I know, I can’t believe it!” Ivy declares with as much joy as me. “God, I needed this. Much as I love my life and my business, it’s always amazing to take some time off from everything, isn’t it?”
“It’s just good for me to be off the couch! I have spent so much time wallowing.”
“I know.” Ivy wraps her arm around me and pulls me in for a hug. “That’s why we’re here, and that is why we’re going out tonight. I know you can’t drink, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a fun night in New York bars. I won’t drink either, but we can get dressed up and have lemonade in champagne flutes.”
“I have had enough of pretending to be posh.” I roll my eyes and snort. “Give me a can to drink from.”
“Whatever you want, Darcy, girl. This trip is all about you. Champagne flutes in posh skyline bars, cans of lemonade in the corner store, I don’t mind. I’m just ready to let my hair down, that’s all.”
“Sounds brilliant. We should go with the flow and see where the night takes us. Really experience New York.”
We walk down the sidewalk in one of the most famous cities in the world, near the tallest skyscrapers, the yellowest cabs, the nicest bakeries in the world, and I feel incredible. Perhaps I should have stuck to my initial childlike dreams and moved here as soon as I finished my education. I never even planned what I would do in New York, I just knew that I wanted to be in the city. Sure, my makeup line didn’t work out in LA, but that’s because I didn’t put enough effort in. I didn’t feel inspired. Here, I could be something more. I could really be that best version of myself. I could finally bloom out of my shell and become me.
What are you thinking? I giggle to myself as the idea of me staying here consumes me. You’re crazy.
“I just feel free here.” I spin around and dance with laughter. “I love it. It’s the center of the world.”
“Every New Yorker would probably tell you that,” Ivy laughs. “But I don’t know. It is nice though…”
We head to our hotel room and plan our amazing night out in the city that never sleeps. This isn’t how my pregnancy started, nor is it how I expect it to end, but for a little bolt of excitement in the middle, after the sadness I have been through is just so damn perfect. I am so lucky to have Ivy who understands me and what I need better than anyone else. Even better than myself. If only Seth could have seen me so clearly, maybe things would be different now. Perhaps we could be together through all of this… but there is no longer any reason to wonder what could have been. We tried and failed, so now it’s all about moving on forwards and upwards.
I smile at Ivy who has curled herself up at the bottom of the bed like a cat and fallen asleep. It’s not even midnight yet, but we had to come back from our magical New York night because we became so exhausted… I guess we aren’t the party animals that we used to be. Well, sort of. Not that I mind. I’m glad to have this time alone to pace around the hotel room and occasionally stare out the window to think.
Obviously, I haven’t been drinking, I was actually drinking water most of the night, but I have a bit of a high like I’m buzzing from the booze. But I’m high from New York, not anything else. There is just something about this place that makes me feel like the best version of myself. It feels like me. I get a different vibe from this city; it isn’t like Hollywood where I was basically following Seth. Nor is it home where I haven’t ever felt wanted. This seems like the place where I am meant to be. When I was a child, I wanted this, and now that I am here, I can’t help remembering that dream and wanting it all over again.
I yearn for it; my heart actually aches. I don’t think that I have ever felt this way about anything before. Not even Seth, and I thought that I wanted him really badly. But this is more of a need than anything else.
I am here with all of the possessions that I could possibly need, I don’t even have to go back if I don’t want to. I could just stay. Say goodbye to all of my old problems. I could start again, couldn’t I? I already know that it won’t be easy, I’m not naïve and expecting this to flow perfectly, but I feel stronger now, like I could handle this alone. If I want to. As I look out the window, I really do want to…
This could be for me, only me. Me alone. This could be my fresh start, not with anyone else involved. I can take my life in my own hands and make it what I want it to be. The smile on my face in New York just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I need happiness, my child needs happiness, and here I can make that happen.
Finally, this feels like a smart decision. The first one that I have made in a very long time. I just hope that Ivy understands and continues to support me because she is my rock right now.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Seth
January 30th
I am exhausted. Absolutely shattered, but I knew that was going to happen when I spoke to the director about upping the film schedule to get all of my parts done as rapidly as possible. I wanted to get done so I can get back to my hometown, check on my father because of how much of a mess that he has become. Telling him about my mother has killed him, finding out that she has wrecked her life, is too much for him. I need to help.
So, the schedule has been crazy, and awkward as well. Filming anything with Winter has been a challenge, knowing how she feels and what the world thinks about us, made it almost impossible to revert back into character again, but I had an end goal, so I made myself do it. I refused to be taken down, and I just shut down emotionally. I haven’t talked to anyone about anything personal recently, least of all Winter. She even had the gall to ask me about Darcy at one point, but I shut that down quicker than she could ask anything else.
But anyway, that doesn’t matter anymore. Unless anything needs to be re shot, which I’m really hoping that it doesn’t, then I am done with that movie. I am finished and ready for the next project… but not yet. Not until I am done looking after my father who needs me more than ever.
Don’t look next door, I tell myself. Don’t think about Darcy. Not yet. You don’t even know if she is here…