When the sting of my fresh tattoo makes me wince, I’m reminded of the pretty words I fed myself a few hours ago.
Just like the ink on my skin,
We’re forever.
Well, I guess…
Forever ends now.
16
Regrets
As heavy snow falls on the other side of my frozen window, I cradle my knees against my chest and search for the answer to a question that may very well end me: Can you die from a broken heart?
The internet says no.
The ache in my rib cage says we’ll see.
Tightly wrapped in a blanket on the couch with a not-so-hot chocolate in my left hand, I pet Waze, who’s snuggled up next to me, and glance at the fireplace I’ve literally never used until today. The fire will be dead soon, but keeping it alive would require my nonexistent energy and motivation. I’m surprised I’m even keeping myself alive at this point.
The night of my birthday was arguably the worst night of my entire life, after the ones where I got taken and slept in a basement, of course—ah, fun times. I must’ve gotten ten whole minutes of sleep, if that. I woke up every hour with my eyes sealed shut from dried tears, wiped them open, then cried some more.
Haze showed up at Allie’s the next day. They didn’t let him in, but he told Kendrick he was moving out of the apartment so that I could stay there. Said the least he could do was spare me having to move back in with my wicked mother. I do appreciate the gesture. It’ll give me some time to search for a new place, and I don’t think I would’ve survived Maika and Jaden’s questions. I could hear their pestering from miles away. Where’s Haze? What happened to Haze? Are you still together? When’s Haze coming over? I went so far as to cancel my family birthday party so I wouldn’t have to be reminded of how head over heels the whole world is over the boy who broke my heart.
Coming home to an empty apartment and walking into our bedroom to see half of Haze’s clothes gone fucked me up in a way I didn’t think possible. He left some of his stuff, but he had very few items to begin with.
I guess it hadn’t fully dawned on me until then.
Haze and I are over. Done. The end.
I still can’t believe it.
It’s been four days.
Four days of torture.
Four days of asking myself questions with no answers. Well, technically, I could get answers. I’m just not emotionally ready for them. The familiar buzzing of my phone interrupts the racing thoughts in my head.
Haze Adams is calling.
I press Decline. How many missed calls do I have? Thirty? Forty? I’ve lost count. Don’t even get me started on the unopened texts. I know him. He’s not going to stop until I hear him out.
But I can’t.
I can’t answer him. I can’t see his face, his smile. I can’t hear his voice. I’m terrified if I do, I’ll want to keep hearing it. If I do, I’ll start crying again, and I just got myself to stop.
Allie’s been staying with me and Kendrick since Haze moved out. Proud member of team Waze, she keeps on telling me that I’m being too hard on him. She says it’s clear he didn’t only come for his revenge and that the one thing he did wrong doesn’t erase all the things he did right.
Problem is, the thing he did wrong was the foundation of all the things he did right.
And, in the end… we built a house on a land made of lies.
“God, it smells like sadness in here,” Allie says when she walks inside the apartment and shuts the door. She’s been out for a few hours. She had classes today. I’ve been getting some assignments from one of the girls from school, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to go. I’ve been considering dropping out, if I’m being complete
ly honest. I wasn’t a hundred percent sold on journalism even before any of this happened.
Waze jumps off the couch, barking and running toward Allie. She pets him with a smile. He’s starting to like her more than me. Understandable as she’s the one who’s been walking him for the past few days.