Ivy
The only thing I could think, even with one of the hottest boys in school wrapping his hand around my waist was, Something’s wrong with Dawson. Then that thought was quickly replaced with a surge of panic because I realized that I was more concerned about Dawson than the lack of butterflies in my stomach from another boy touching me.
After Dawson had dropped me off at Becca’s, I watched his Camaro take off down the road, spinning wheels and all. My entire body was in a frenzy and if I thought that Andy talking to me earlier had made me nervous, that almost-kiss from Dawson was from a different freaking universe.
I didn’t admit this out loud to Becca or Casey, even after they rambled on and on about how hot Andy was and how lucky I was to be going to the party with him. I acted as if I was excited when he pulled up in front of Becca’s house, but I wasn’t.
I could only focus on Dawson and how his eyes almost looked uncontrollable when I leaned over his center console, near centimeters from his mouth. He looked like he wanted me to kiss him. Then, my mind started wandering in every flipping direction… all leading back to two words:
What if?
What if I kissed him? What if he wanted to be with me like that? Does he like me more than a best friend? I mean, I knew he and I had a really strange, deep bond that people found peculiar. Dawson and I just… worked. I didn’t know why, but we did. We were so in tune with one another, so much so that I knew when something was bothering him just by the way his body felt near mine. The way his shoulders were stiffer than normal, the way the smile on his face didn’t quite reach his eyes.
I knew him better than anyone, but why couldn’t I figure out what he wanted with me? Was I imagining it? Was the inner hopefulness of my 15-year-old teenage heart making stuff up? Was something holding him back? Or was something holding me back?
Our friendship. That’s what’s holding us back.
Everything will change.
Everything will change if he and I kiss or date, or worse… have sex.
A surge of jittering nerves hovered above my skin. The thought of Dawson taking my virginity wasn’t just appealing but it was completely consuming. I wondered what it would be like…
Perfect.
The second I let my mind dig into those feelings I’d shied away from since I was a dweeby seventh grader, I internally gasped.
Oh, my God!
I’m totally in love with my best friend! He’s hot and funny and sweet, and he cares about me, and oh my GOD, get it together, Ivy!
Letting out a deep breath, I looked over at Andy’s sturdy jaw and twinkling eyes, feeling a small amount of guilt in my gut. “I’ll be back.”
I felt totally guilt-ridden coming here with him but running off to be with Dawson.
But… Dawson needed me.
I didn’t give Andy time to respond; I spun on my heel and wandered in the direction that Dawson did.
The dormant butterflies in my belly, the ones who’d been asleep just now while with Andy, were slowly starting to stir. They were swirling and whooshing around faster and faster as I took each step, hearing sticks and branches break beneath my white Converse.
Why is it that I was totally into Andy earlier when he’d asked me to come here with him and now I can’t get away fast enough? I rolled my eyes at the thought… I knew exactly why.
“Dawson?” I yelled out, my ears perking to attention.
“Ivy?” he answered back. My heart leapt in my chest but I ignored it, swallowing every ounce of excitement and focusing only on the relief that also filled my body. “What are you doing? What’s wrong?”
I finally found him sitting on top of a large log lying horizontally on the wooded floor. The sharp smell of the forest filled my nose with its refreshing pine scent, and it was honestly nice to be away from the smoke of the fire.
“You should go back to the party, Ivy.”
I huffed, sitting down beside him, rubbing my hands along the bumpy bark of the log. His body was tense beside mine and I almost reached my arms around his expansive torso. “What’s going on? You’re definitely not acting like yourself, especially since after school…”
Silence stretched around us to the point that it became awkward and that didn’t sit well with me, because things with Dawson – they were never awkward.
“I just…I don’t like you with him.” His voice was so low that I could barely hear him, but I did. I heard exactly what he said.
“Why? He’s not going to hurt me, I don’t even like him that much.” I laughed and he whipped his body towards me.