He wished he’d known that then. He still probably would have kept his distance from her, but he wouldn’t have felt so fucking guilty the whole time. And then, maybe he might have tried to keep in touch with her after the funeral.
He still would have left. He wouldn’t have risked growing closer to her. And his other reasons still stood. He hadn’t been able to handle reminders of Brandon back then, and seeing her would have been too much. But he would have at least called, and he would have kept calling, no matter how much she tried to push him away. Maybe then, she wouldn’t have felt so alone.
It was strange, how he’d thought even two days ago that he couldn’t deal with reminders of his old friend. Yet, when Lily showed up, the biggest reminder of all, it didn’t bother him as much as he thought. Yeah, he’d felt guilty all over again, and he missed Brandon all the more for a short while.
But it didn’t make him lose his shit, which was what he thought might happen.
Maybe that meant Lily wasn’t the only one who was moving past what happened.
She walked out of the bathroom and he felt his heart skip a beat at the sight of her. She smiled at him as she went to her suitcase, and his eyes followed her, unable to look away. Her skin was flushed from her shower, and she had on soft pajama pants paired with a tank top that hugged her body.
Swallowing hard, he watched as she bent slightly, the material of her bottoms pulling deliciously against her ass. She had a great ass. He’d always thought so. It was a touch larger than her frame called for, round and firm. He’d thought it looked amazing in jeans, but the soft material of her pajamas showed it to perfection.
Her long, light blonde hair fell over her shoulder in a satiny curtain as she took a bottle out of her bag and shook a pill out. Putting it back, she took another bottle out but just stared at it, a look of contemplation on her face.
He waited, but she just stood there, staring at the bottle, and his curiosity got the best of him. “You okay?”
“Hmmm?” she said, distracted as she looked over at him. “Oh, this? It’s Ambien. I was prescribed it after Brandon died because I couldn’t sleep, and I’ve been taking it ever since. I was just trying to decide if I wanted to tonight, but I think I’m gonna see if I can sleep on my own now.”
“It was bad enough that you needed meds?”
She exhaled lightly as she put the bottle back. Walking back to the bed, she got her water bottle off the table and swallowed the other pill. She finally nodded as she screwed the lid back on. “It was rough at first. I was put on a blood pressure medication, which was what I just took, and Ambien. I refused everything else, though.”
“I’m—”
“If you’re going to say you’re sorry again, don’t. It was bad, but I got through it. That’s what matters, right?”
“Yeah,” he replied softly, watching as she climbed into her bed. “That’s what matters.”
She yawned as she laid her head on the pillow and he reached over to turn the lamp off. “Goodnight, Lily.”
Smiling softly at him, she snuggled into her covers. “Night, Noah.”
She closed her eyes, and he got under his blanket, unable to take his eyes away from her. She was beautiful, as always, but it was more than that. Something about her just drew him on a different level.
Maybe Tarun was right. Maybe Lily could be his mate. He’d always wanted to find her, whoever she was. But no matter how silent his animal was, he’d always assumed that finding his mate would be enough to make him speak. At least long enough to tell him he’d found his mate.
Either he’d been wrong about that, or she wasn’t his mate. Despite all the obstacles between them—namely himself, including but not limited to his feelings of guilt and the fact that he could turn into a lion—he found the thought that she might not be his mate disappointing.
His cat paced inside him still—not as frantic now that Lily was out of the shower and back in the room with him. And that missing piece was still there, leaving a void inside him he’d never been able to fill.
That didn’t mean anything, though. He’d always felt like that, long before he was old enough to even understand what a mate was. He didn’t think it had anything to do with finding her.
The lion calmed around Lily, but he did around Tarun, too. They were the only people who’d ever made him ease his frantic pacing, the only ones who made the feeling that Noah was missing something, or someone, vital to him fade when they were around.
He didn’t know why that was. Maybe it was just something in their demeanor that made the void inside him feel a little less all consuming.
The level he was drawn to Lily on was totally different. He’d never felt that with anyone, and it had always been there, which was part of why he’d been so uneasy about it when Brandon was alive. The thought that his mate was married to his best friend had been heartbreaking and scared the shit out of him, so he stayed away from her and tried not to dwell on it.
And the feeling of being connected to her had only amplified since she showed up on his doorstep.
He knew she felt like it wasn’t a betrayal to Brandon, but he wasn’t so sure. That had been the only thing stopping him from kissing her earlier. Her words and her eyes seemed willing, but he hadn’t been able to let go of the feeling of betrayal.
He was so confused, and he didn’t know where to begin to start unraveling his feelings. He wasn’t even sure if he could.
Lily rolled a little in her sleep, her chest rising and falling steadily, and he felt his lips curl as he watched her. Maybe for her, he could make the effort. She deserved for him to be clear headed about the situation. She’d been through so much and he didn’t want to put her through more.
Figure it out, his lion said, his pacing slowing to a saunter.