The green in his eyes literally dimmed as she watched, and what looked like shame crossed his face before he dipped his head down, the bill of his hat hiding his expression from her. “Maybe we should get the pizza—”
She tapped a finger on his hat, interrupting him. She wanted to follow this conversation through. “It’s been always for me, too. The day Brandon brought you over, my first thought was, Damn, he’s hot. I’ve always been attracted to you and there’s no shame in it, Noah. Not for me, or for you, if that’s the case.”
His brow was furrowed as he lifted his head, meeting her gaze. “But what about Brandon?”
“What about him?” She laughed lightly. “I was married, not dead. I was allowed to look. Brandon did, too. Remember that waitress at the sports bar we went to a few times? Brandon thought she was hot. We were secure enough in our relationship, in our marriage, that finding someone else attractive was no big deal.”
He hesitated a moment, shaking his head. “I bet he wouldn’t have felt that way about me being attracted to you.”
She threw her head back with a laugh. “Ha! He would have eaten that up because it would have given him ample opportunity to tease you about how he got the girl, or shit like that. And you knew Bandon well. You know he wouldn’t have been upset about something like that.”
Raising a hand, he ran it over his mouth and down his beard. “All these years, I thought—I was—”
He broke off, shaking his head, and she looked at him closely. The shame she thought she saw on his face earlier was lurking in the back of his light green gaze, and realization dawned. “You felt bad about it, didn’t you? Is that the real reason you were always so quiet when I was around?”
“I felt guilty about it. Brandon was one of my best friends and I had the hots for his wife. I didn’t want either of you to find out, and I didn’t want to like you any more than I did. I thought it was best for everyone if I kept my distance.”
“Is that part of why you disappeared after the funeral?”
He blew out a breath, raising a hand to rub the back of his neck. “What I said earlier about not wanting to be a bad reminder was true. But yeah, that was part of it. I felt bad enough for finding you attractive while he was alive, and I was already feeling guilty because I lived when he didn’t. I thought keeping in touch with you would make it worse, or you’d find out and it would make you uncomfortable.”
“Oh, Noah. I wish I’d known. It wouldn’t have made me uncomfortable. The only way that would have happened was if you made a move back then. And if you had when Brandon was still alive, I’m sure that would have been what bothered him. But you never did, and you even went out of your way to keep your distance. That’s what counts. Not that you found me attractive, but that you didn’t act on it then. You’re an honorable man. I just wish you could see it in yourself.”
He shrugged his massive shoulders as he glanced down for a long moment. “It didn’t feel honorable to me, but maybe you’re right.”
“I know I’m right,” she replied with a smile. “Now stop being so hard on yourself about it. About all of it. You shouldn’t feel guilty for liking me, and you sure as hel
l shouldn’t feel guilty for surviving that blast. It was war, and sometimes some survive and others don’t. Sometimes no one survives, and I’m happy you did. I know Brandon would feel the same.”
He swallowed hard, and when he spoke, his voice was low and ragged. “Thank you for that.”
“Just telling the truth. Now, how about that pizza?”
Giving her a half-smile, he nodded, moving to the table to look at the list of delivery places. Lily wrapped her arms around herself as she watched him, so many emotions coursing through her that she didn’t know where to begin separating them.
She hadn’t had a clue that he liked her back then, but so much made sense now. Like she told him, she’d always thought he was good looking, too, but she never felt bad about it, because she never had the urge to act on it. She loved Brandon too much at the time for the thought to even cross her mind.
It was clear Noah had loved him just as much, too. In a different way, of course, but enough that he not only didn’t act on it, but he held himself separate from her because his honor demanded it.
And he grieved when Brandon died. He’d confirmed her suspicion about survivor’s guilt. A person didn’t feel that, not as strongly as he did, without caring about the person who passed away.
Brandon had had a true friend in Noah, and her heart warmed as that realization washed over her. She’d known they were good friends, but she hadn’t realized just how close they were.
She smiled and nodded as Noah asked her if she wanted to try a local place. He was standing between the beds, big, solid, and strong, with a huge heart of gold. She hated that he had so much misplaced guilt, but she was going to do her best to alleviate some, if not all, of it.
Nibbling on her lower lip, she wondered if, and how, the talk they just had changed anything. She knew he was attracted to her, but whether he wanted to take it any further was still a mystery.
And if he did, could they work past his feelings and the history they shared? She didn’t know. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted to continue down the path they’d begun. Their shared past could make it difficult, or it could make it as easy as breathing.
She just didn’t know. But, as she watched him placing the order, she thought that she’d probably be the biggest idiot in the world if she didn’t want to start something with a man like him.
Noah was sitting on the edge of the bed, his elbows planted on his thighs and his head in his hands, as he heard the blow dryer in the bathroom shut off. He’d been in the same position the whole time Lily showered, his mind still stunned, his heart feeling full and warm.
He thought he must still be in shock over the revelations of the day, because he couldn’t make sense of his emotions, and his mind was still in turmoil. Lily had been attracted to him the whole time, too?
Shaking his head, he straightened and sat back on the bed, leaning against the headboard. He never would have guessed. And he never would have imagined that Brandon wouldn’t kick his ass if he’d known how Noah felt about her.
It made sense, though. She was right—Brandon was always laughing and joking, and if he’d known, he probably would have just rubbed it in that Lily was his, laughing the whole time.