“Thank you. That means a lot. But I don’t want you to feel obligated to me, okay? That’s not why I told you. I just wanted to be honest about it. It’s not your responsibility to ease the loneliness. That’s mine, and I need to figure out how to make my way through my new reality. Three years was too long to let grief consume me for so long. I should have been stronger.”
She squeezed his hand and started to withdraw, and he quickly turned his over and captured her fingers, holding her hand tightly. Her head whipped toward him, and he glanced over, making eye contact swiftly, wanting her to see how much he meant his next words.
Wishing he wasn’t driving so he could maintain eye contact, he looked back at the road as he spoke. “None of that. If I’m not allowed to feel guilty, you’re not allowed to feel like you weren’t strong. Fuck, Lily. If I only had a tenth of your strength, I’d be doing good. I know about your parents. You lost them fairly young, and then you lost your husband. You guys met when you were what, twelve? And from what you just told me, you lost Mary last year, as well. So much loss. I feel like that’s enough to cut anyone off at the knees, permanently. Yet here you are, still standing, still strong, still living.
“It might have taken you a while to find your way, but you did it. Don’t diminish that. You’re still fighting, still have the will to live. You’re strong as fuck, and I can see it shining out of you. I don’t ever want to hear you say you’re not strong, do you understand? You’re the strongest person I know.”
Lily inhaled deeply, her breath trembling, and he glanced over to see a tear streaking down her cheek. The sight gutted him, and as he saw her reach a hand up and wipe the moisture away, he wished with everything in him that it could be him doing it. That he wasn’t driving the damned truck and could take her in his arms and comfort her like she deserved.
“I still miss him,” she whispered. “I’m ready to move on and start living again, but I still miss him.”
He squeezed her hand, not about to let go. “There’s probably a part of you that will always miss him, and that’s okay. I still miss him, too.”
She was quiet for a moment and then blew out a breath, turning her head to look at him. “And maybe we didn’t know each other well, and maybe Brandon was our only connection. But I missed you, too.”
Her softly worded confession felt like a punch to the gut, even as his heart threatened to burst with warmth for her. “I missed you too, Lily. I missed you, too.”
And with those words, he knew he was a goner. Whether or not she was his mate like Tarun expected, whether or not it was right or wrong, he was lost to her, for good or bad.
Forever.
Chapter Six
Lily stood by the truck, stretching her body. Noah’s truck was spacious, but being cooped up inside for six hours made her body ache. Maybe she was just getting old. She didn’t think many twenty-seven-year old people felt as ancient as she did, but she felt about eighty, inside and out in that moment.
But in a weird way, she felt shiny and new inside, like the talk she’d had with Noah in the truck had given her new life. It was a strange contradiction—feeling old yet reborn at the same time. She hadn’t meant to tell him the things she had. She’d realized last night that her reasons for coming ran deeper than she originally thought, but she’d planned on keeping to her original excuse.
Yet when he asked, her mouth opened and started spilling her secrets without her conscious consent. She couldn’t regret it, though. Their talk had cleansed her in a way, and she felt so much better for them having had the conversation.
She only hoped Noah felt the same. Glancing over at the door to the hotel where he was getting them rooms, she nibbled on her lower lip as she worried over it. The talk might have left her feeling renewed, but she was afraid it only added to the guilt he felt.
That was the last thing she wanted. Part of the reason she came was because she wanted to make sure he wasn’t feeling survivor’s guilt for living through the blast that killed Brandon. She’d hate herself if she added to it and made him feel worse.
Because she was almost positive he felt it over still living. He hadn’t come out and said it, but she thought he did. She didn’t want that, and she knew Brandon wouldn’t have wanted it, either.
She wasn’t sure why, but she suddenly felt a kinship with him, a bond forming when she thought there was nothing between them at all. She hadn’t realized it until she told him, but she really had missed him. It didn’t make much sense to her, but she had.
And now that they were spending more time with each other, she felt that bond forming between them. She just wasn’t sure what kind of bond it was. Was it just friendship? Or was it something more?
The question was, how did she feel if it was something more? She honestly didn’t know. There was a part of her that felt like she should think it was a betrayal to Brandon, but she didn’t. She knew him well enough to know he’d want her to be happy, and Noah to be, as well. She thought he might even give his blessing if they started something.
But did she want to? She didn’t know. She’d thought for the longest time that even if she picked the pieces of her life back up, there would never be another man for her. That Brandon had been it, for life.
It made little sense to her, but she and Noah had only been around each other for a little over twenty-four hours, and she already felt connected to him on a level she didn’t understand. It felt like they’d been friends back when, that they’d remained friends the whole time.
That they could easily be more.
She just didn’t know if her heart could take another risk. Especially on a man whose job was in law enforcement. It was too closely linked to the military in her eyes. He was still going on missions, just like he had when he was in the Marines. There was too much risk there.
Groaning, she dropped her head back and looked up at the dusky sky. She was assuming a lot. She was coming to realize just how attracted to him she was. Being around him made her body feel like she was sitting next to a spark, and when he held her hand, it felt like electrical currents were dancing over her skin.
But she didn’t know if he felt the same. Maybe he did—she saw him sneaking glances at her, his eyes warm with appreciation. She heard his swift intake of breath when they touched, like he felt the same things she did.
That didn’t mean he had any desire to act on it, though. Or, even if he did, whether it would be anything more than physical for him.
Who am I, she wondered. It felt like she slowly changed on the long drive from Virginia to Nevada, and that the change was complete and locked in when she set eyes on Noah the day before.
She’d thought this before, but it felt even more relevant now. The Lily she was becoming was far from the Lily she’d been back home.