“So you’ve been with the Enforcers for three years, Damara said. Did you leave the Marines and then join them right after?”
He glanced over at her with surprise at the sudden question. “Pretty much. Once my discharge was complete, I met up with Luke and we joined. He already knew Blake and had planned on becoming a part of his team, so I joined him.”
From the corner of his eye, he saw her hook her hair behind her ear as she turned to face him more fully. “But it must have taken some time to heal, right? You were injured pretty badly.”
Freezing, he held still, barely breathing as his mind raced. “Uh, yeah. It took some time.”
If by time, he meant two weeks. That was actually a long time for a shifter to heal, but he’d been hurt badly in the explosion. It was still far faster than a human could heal. Actually, if he were human, he never would have healed completely, if he lived at all.
Shit. He never even thought about that when she showed up. He’d been moving around like he was never hurt—because his lion had healed him completely, so to him, he wasn’t.
He hated lying to her, but if he’d thought of it, he would have tried to limp or something. He’d done that at the funeral, the last time he saw her. He hadn’t been exaggerating how heavily he’d needed to lean on the cane, but he hadn’t needed the wheelchair. Luke cautioned him not to go at all, but he couldn’t miss Brandon’s funeral. So he went, but he conceded to Luke’s advice on the wheelchair.
Dammit, it was for that reason that Brandon had been his only human friend. It wasn’t because of a prejudice or an inherent dislike of humans. It was because he hated lying and it grated on his soul when he had to.
“You must have worked pretty hard. It wouldn’t be obvious to anyone that you’d been hurt so severely.”
And with that, she was suspicious again. At least, he thought she was. He didn’t blame her. He would be, too. But it was why he would have lied, if he’d thought about it, no matter how much he hated it.
“Yeah, I did,” he replied. Clearing his throat, he changed the subject. “You know, you never did tell me why you were looking for me.”
She didn’t respond right away, and a quick glance told him she was studying him closely. He prayed she’d let it go and not ask any more questions, and he was just starting to think she wasn’t going to when she answered.
“I thought it was for the last bit of closure I needed, but now I’m not so sure.”
He glanced quickly over at her, taking in her furrowed brow and the confusion in her unusual blue eyes before looking back at the road. “What do you mean?”
She sighed as she kicked her flip flop off and pulled her leg up on the seat. “It took me a long time to overcome my grief after Brandon died. I felt like I was drowning in it for years, and I was so inaccessible that everyone in my life drifted away. The only person I had left was Mary, and when she passed away last year, I surfaced from my grief, determined to live again. Only, there was no one left. I was alone.
“I started thinking about you, wondering what happened to you. If you were okay. And I thought I owed it to Brandon to find you and make sure you were well. That’s why I thought I was coming. I put together a box of pictures and things you and Brandon shared that I thought he’d want you to have and drove to Nevada as soon as I found the deed. But now I wonder if that was the whole reason I came.”
She fell quiet, and he glanced over at her again, his heart aching for her. When he left after the funeral, he honestly thought it was best. They were both missing Brandon, both grieving, and while he didn’t think she was attracted to him like he was to her, he worried he’d do something to make how he felt obvious, and alienate her in the process—or that she might get lost in her grief and turn to him, and he wouldn’t have been able to resist her.
They both would have regretted it, and they would have ended up hating each other and themselves. It seemed like a long shot that something like that would happen, but he?
?d still worried.
And he’d been so caught up in his grief, felt so fucking guilty for living when he should have died, while Brandon died when he should have lived. He couldn’t handle any reminders of his friend back then. Hell, just before Lily showed up, he’d still been thinking he couldn’t. And he thought he’d be a painful reminder to her, as well. One she didn’t need, because she had her own grief to work through.
He’d thought it best for both of them—but especially her—if he just disappeared from her life.
But maybe he’d been doing her a huge disservice.
“What are you thinking now?” he asked slowly.
She wrapped her arms around her leg, still looking out of the front windshield. “When Damara and Tarun were in my room last night, they mentioned how you guys were like family. How there was nothing you guys wouldn’t do for each other. And I was jealous. I realized how much I wanted that, and how many people I’d let slip away while I was drowning in grief. It made me wonder if maybe I sought you out because you were a connection to the past, to a time when I had that. That maybe, I looked for you because if I made contact with you, I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore.”
His hand tightened on the steering wheel and he had to force himself to relax his grip, afraid with his shifter strength, he’d snap it in two. “Fuck, Lily. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have disappeared like I did. I just thought it would hurt you too much to have me as a reminder, and I wanted you to heal. I didn’t want to set you back every time you saw me or heard from me.”
He saw her glance over at him, her brow furrowing as she looked at him. “Don’t apologize. You did what you had to do, and I’m not upset at you for it.”
Shaking his head, he clenched his teeth together, fighting against the knowledge that he’d hurt her. The thought hurt him, but maybe he shouldn’t fight it. He deserved it for causing her pain to begin with.
“I should have at least called—”
“Hey,” she said softly, reaching out and putting her hand over the fist he was clenching against his thigh. “Don’t. Me being lonely isn’t anyone’s fault but my own. I pushed everyone away, and I probably would have done the same to you. This is on me, not you. Now get that look of guilt off your face. There’s absolutely no reason for it.”
A shiver raced up his spine, and he honestly wasn’t sure if it was from her touch or her words. “I’ll try not to feel guilty, but I can still wish things had been different for you. That you’d had more people around who could help you through your grief, whether it was me or not.”