And just when I began to climb out, see a small ray of light, the nightmare continues its wretched domination.
She’s lying beside me dressed in a little pink bunny outfit that Phoebe insisted she wear. Her face has changed, a chubby little girl with light eyes and wispy brown hair. Something about her face, something I couldn’t quite distinguish, reminded me of him. It was the shape of her eyes, perhaps, nothing like my almond shape. Or maybe it was her tiny hands, the shape of her nails that mirrored his.
I still thought about him.
Every day.
Every time I looked at her.
She stirred, softly, and when that stir was the beginning of a cry, I scooped her in my arms. I was tired. She didn’t take to sleeping well, and my breasts didn’t produce the milk as they should. I felt like a failure, a sign that I wasn’t cut out to be a mother. I was not sure when I last washed my hair or even shaved my legs.
It was all about her.
Just her and me.
I watched her again, and surely, she must realize I was complaining about her as a sweet smile played on her lips. My heart began to flutter, my smile in tow. I laughed, softly to myself, wishing Mama could see this.
Quickly, hoping to recap this moment, I placed her in her carrier and headed over to visit Mama. She loved seeing Katerina, and I was excited, for once, to have her in my arms.
It was a short drive over, enough to keep Katerina settled. The moment I arrived, a doctor ushered me in, asking me to take a seat.
“Miss Milenov, we wanted to speak to you in private.” He removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “Unfortunately, we received your mother’s results back, and they aren’t good.”
My stomach omits a sick growl, making it difficult to breathe and focus. “What’s… what’s wrong?”
“We found a tumor beside her brain. It’s cancerous and has spread. We can’t operate.”
My hands began to shake, his words absolute nonsense. “What do you mean you can’t operate?”
“It has spread, and it’s too late. I’m sorry.”
I shook uncontrollably. “How long… how long do we have?”
“It’s a difficult question. I can’t really ans—”
“Answer me!”
Katerina jolted at my scream, crying in symphony inside her carrier.
“Anywhere between weeks to months. I’m sorry.”
Her cries amplified, and with my anger gripping me, I picked her up and hushed her, rocking her back and forth with no luck. The doctor suggested that she took her off my hands, but I pulled her back, warning her not to touch my baby.
“Miss Milenov. We have counselors on site. I think it’s best you talk to them, and maybe get someone to help you with the baby. It’s going to be a difficult time.”
Staring down at her face, unaware that my tears were falling onto her blanket, my mind became increasingly clear.
If I have to choose between her and Mama, I will choose Mama in a heartbeat.
I squeeze my head between my legs, desperately trying to erase all the memories. The darkness should have cured me. Running away from everything was my only answer. I’m not meant to be a mother. I can’t even give birth like a normal mother should have nor can I even breastfeed. And that bond, the supposedly unconditional love that you feel, it’s missing.
No, I made the right decision. Flynn will help, he promised me he would. He won’t let me down. I just need to be alone and somehow I have to find a way to stop Mama from dying anytime soon.
There’s a rustling in the bush. It echoes loudly in the still of the night. Maybe my time is up, a wild animal ready to feast on me and eat up my soul.
Yeah, I should be so fucking lucky.
And then, the dead silence becomes heavy breathing. In and out. Strong, heavy, and with a familiar beat.