What if she had expected I would ask Natani for some sort of help now? What if she assumed I would because of what I had read in Posy's letter? She might even have told Natani to expect me to ask. How much in debt to her was he? Were the animals the only ones to trust on this ranch? The only ones who didn't lie?
I didn't say anything about all this to either Teal or Robin, and certainly I wouldn't have said anything to Mindy or Gia. It saddened me to realize that no one could be trusted even after all this time together, that we were all so beaten down and defeated that they might betray me as quickly as I might betray them. In the end we will have no place to go and no one else to turn to but Dr. Foreman. I thought. It was almost as if I could feel two large hands molding us into forms the way we had molded our ceramic dishes and bowls.
There was truly no other escape but Natani's tortoise shell, whatever that was I would either get up the courage to sneak out of the barn tonight and go to his hogan. or I would continue to be the desert rat and pace and worry until Dr. Foreman, like the buzzard, plucked the soul out of me and turned me into one of her famous Foreman girls. That had been Gia's prediction for me, but ironically, it was turning out to be a prediction she should have made for herself. We were all closing up, but not in the sort of shell Natani had described. We had met as strangers and we were returning to being strangers.
These days the buddies didn't have to enforce the no-talking rule when they wanted it to be enforced. We all ate quietly at dinner after mumbling thank-yous to each other, chewing mindlessly, staring at nothing. Mindy was the occasional exception. She had the most nervous energy. I thought. The silence appeared to heighten it. Her eyes darted about as if she was expecting something terrible to occur or someone to yell at her. She nearly dropped a plate during cleanup and turned white with fear for a moment. Was Dr. Foreman right about her? Was she regressing, becoming worse instead of better each day?
After we ate dinner, we did at least help each other with the school assignments, but that was still for selfish reasons. No one wanted to earn any more demerits. Our grades were all passing and even the buddies had to admit we were doing well on that score. This was still Gia's doing. She seemed alive actually only when it came to schoolwork, and I began to feel sorry for her, sorry that she wasn't at a real school because she seemed to enjoy studying. reading. It was the only time now that we heard any excitement in her voice, saw any brightness in her eyes. She might even make a good teacher someday. I thought, a real teacher with students who were interested and cared.
Funny how memories of school suddenly became desirable. I had hated it so much when I was there, or at least. I thought I had. Now when I recalled the chatter, the excitement, even the classes. I felt a longing I hadn't thought I would ever feel. This was in no way like the school I had known and abused.
This particular evening, after dinner, we had only a little schoolwork in comparison to what we had been given beforehand nightly. It left us with some free time, and to the surprise of us all. M'Lady Two showed up with a half dozen relatively recent magazines popular with teenagers.
"Dr. Foreman says you all deserve some foolish and wasteful reading. You can share these among you.- She dropped the magazines at her feet.
Teal started eagerly for the pile, moving like a starving person toward food. but Gia stopped her with "Don't touch them!" She said it with such hysteria. Teal practically jumped back.
"What? Why not?" She looked at the pile. "What's on them?"
"In them," Gia whispered. "It's what's in them." She stared at them, then looked up at all of us. "Subliminal messages," she muttered.
"Huh?" Robin said, scrunching her nose. "What's that?"
"It's a secret way to get you to think what she wants you to think." Gia said.
Robin pulled her head back and looked at Teal. who shook hers and shrugged. Mindy didn't move, didn't speak.
"We don't understand. Gia," I said. -.How can she put something in a magazine secretly?"
"She can! It's like you go to the movies and they stick a few frames of popcorn in the movie. It flashes by too fast for you to realize it, but you suddenly want to get up and get popcorn."
"You're crazy," Robin said.
"It's a proven thing. I read about it," Gia said.
"So she gets me to eat popcorn. Big deal," Rabin told her, moving to the magazines.
"That's just an example. She'll get you to do something else. She never does anything, gives you anything, unless it helps her control you, change you."
"You're a paranoid." Robin picked up the magazine she wanted and looked at Gia. "When are you going to learn? Adults always get us to do what they want one way or another. You're the one who taught me that." Robin looked at Teal, who moved to the magazines next. Mindy shrugged and did the same. Gia looked at me and shook her head in pity. Her warning got me thinking.
Dr. Foreman had given me a magazine and told me I wasn't permitted to let any of them read it. Was there something in it specifically for me., something that made me do what she wanted? Maybe there was. Maybe Gia wasn't as crazy as they thought, at least when it came to this.
I turned away from the pile without taking any magazine.
"You're not taking a magazine? You believe her nonsense?" Robin cried, amazed.
"I'm just not interested in any of the
magazines."
"That's bull, You took one from her already. Now, because of what Gia's saying, you're afraid," Robin said, smiling. "Gia has you afraid."
"So. I'm afraid. Think what you like. I stopped caring about what any of you think about me," I said. "Just like you stopped caring about what any of us think about you."
I went to my cot to lie dawn. Robin and Teal thumbed through the magazines excitedly, talking about the clothing styles, the new television shows, the movies they were missing. They moaned over this dreamy young male actor or that. They did it all with exaggeration to make me jealous.
Teal began to describe some of the wonderful things she had at home and Robin talked about her music, admitting she even wished she could listen to her mother darling's singing and playing. Both wondered aloud what was the latest hit record. and suddenly. I realized what Gia was saying.