I sat up and exclaimed. "That's it!" They all looked at me. "What's it?" Teal said. smiling,
"G-a's right."
"She's right?"
"Only it's not sub whatever she called it. It's right there in front of you. in front of us. Just listen to you talking. She wants you to see what you're missing, to moan and cry about it all."
"Why?"
"So you'll be sorrier about what you're missing, and more obedient and hope more that you'll go home." I said.
"Yes," Gia said, nodding and whispering. "Yes. You understand. Phoebe. Good. These magazines, anything like that, are a form of subtle torture, torment." She turned to the others. -Don't you understand what we're saying? Look at yourselves, what you're wearing, your hands, your hair, and then look at the girls in the magazines. What would you do, would you give, to be like they are?"
The three of them looked at the magazines and then at me.
Robin was the first to understand. I could see it spread through her face, brighten her eyes. She flung her magazine across the barn as if it were poison. Teal stared sadly for a moment, then dropped hers where M'Lady Two had put the pile. Mindy looked wistfully at her magazine and then flipped it.
"I hate her." she said in a loud, hoarse whisper. She slammed her folded arms against herself so hard. I thought she might have cracked a rib. Then she went to her cot.
Moments later, they were all on their cots and back to being enveloped in a coat of depression. Gia and I exchanged looks of satisfaction, but also sadness. Who wanted to be right about such a thing?
The girls said nothing more. They were all asleep before the lights were out in fact. but I couldn't fall asleep.
I could think only of Natani's shell.
When I felt it was safe. I crawled out of bed, quietly put on my shoes, and tiptoed out of the barn. I stood for a few moments outside and studied the yard. Lights were an in the hacienda, especially upstairs where the buddies stayed, but everywhere else was in darkness and thick shadows because the sky was partly overcast with a thin, long sheet of clouds sliding over the st
ars.
As I started across. I heard a coyote howl, then a bird that seemed to be on fire flew from the roof of the horse barn into some high brush. I tried to keep within the shadows until I turned the corner and headed directly for Natani's hogan, There was no way to tell if he was awake. There was no light. I knocked softly on the frame of the doorway, and when I heard his voice. I slipped into his home. He was sitting in a lotus position and in front of him was what looked like a pile of ordinary rocks.
"Sit, daughter of the sun." he said. indicating I should take the place before him.
I hesitated for a moment, then did it, folding my legs like his. He reached back and cupped a jug.
"Drink this first," he said, offering it to me.
I wasn't particularly crazy about the smell, and again I thought, what if this was all arranged by the goad Dr. Foreman?
"What is it?" I asked.
It is something that will start you an the path, help you find your way. Just this once. You won't need it after this. I promise."
"How can this drink do that?" I looked at the tea.
"You will see things as they really are, and when you do, you will be in your shell."
Skeptical and still afraid. I nevertheless began to drink the tea. While I did. Natani began a soft, low chant and tapped on a small drum. As I continued to drink the tea. I couldn't help but think about some of my friends back in Atlanta and how they would laugh and ridicule me for being with this old Indian man. But of course. they were there and I was here.
I wasn't put off by the taste. and I think that even if I were. I would have forced myself to drink it all. I was that desperate. I waited for more
instructions, but Natani just continued to chant and play his drum. I was beginning to feel more disappointment than anything else, Here I was sitting in an old Indian man's shack. listening to him play a drum and sing some song I couldn't understand. I couldn't help feeling ridiculous. Maybe that was Dr. Foreman's intention, I was a fool after all.
Natani knew some things, but he was still an old, nutty man. Everything in Posy's letter was part of an imagination gone wild. It all started to make more sense to me. Dr. Foreman didn't care if we talked to Natani or asked him for his mystical help. He was a big joke, a dead-end road that didn't lead cut of here after all.
Suddenly though. I became aware of a slow dance of golden lights rising out of the pile of stones between us. They turned red and moved in rhythm to Natani's drum. I rubbed my eyes, but they were still there so I closed my eyes, but the shapes continued. They went from yellow to red to tray and then blue. They looked like jellyfish, but became small balls that elongated and turned to ribbons of light. Finally. they all became bubbles and rose quickly, popping and disappearing.
Natani's drum seemed to be beating inside me now. When I looked at him. I focused on a crease in his shirt, and for some reason it looked beautiful. The shape of it, the way it flowed along and softened, was all fantastic to me. It made me feel good to make such a discovery.