I take a deep breath and then no longer is Jason looking at the book or even ignoring me. He’s staring at me.
“This was the first time that I felt like a woman, and it scared me so much for so many reasons. Part of it is your age. The other is Daniel is your friend. Maybe if you didn’t know him then it would be so much easier. If I didn’t know Carla maybe there would be nothing wrong with this whole scenario. Tom only died recently, I feel as if I’m moving on and his grave hasn’t even turned cold yet. It’s just not right. Then again, if I’d known that Tom was gay when I married him then…”
“You would have still married him?”
Jason puts the book on the table and waits for a response.
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it like that. If I did, then I wouldn’t have had Daniel and I love him so very much,” I choke.
“In eighteen years of marriage, you’ve never had sex?”
I lift up one finger.
He nods. “Right. Only once.”
I sigh as I sink into the sofa. “So, is this right? I just don’t know, Jason. I just don’t know.”
Jason doesn’t say anything, but sinks back into the sofa with me. But I know that he’s not as hostile as he was when he opened the door because he takes my hand and kisses the back of it. I look across, and he’s not looking at me as if he’s lost in his thoughts.
Jason
This whole thing is nuts; she’s going through a hard time right now. But she’s not the only one. I can’t believe that she’s only had sex only once. That’s a fucking tragedy. I wonder how many times he had sex with male prostitutes?
I dismiss the thought from my mind. I can tell that she’s hurting. The palm of her hand is sweating, and her nipples are so fucking erect that I’m trying to focus on talking, not taking her on top of the sofa right now, but it’s so fucking hard.
“What I feel for you right now, Jason, it’s not right,” she sighs as she takes her hand away from me.
I hate the way that she does that. One minute I feel as if I’m able to let go and just talk to her. I don’t talk to anyone, not really. The only person that I probably say or even ask some things is Mom, and this is one thing that I’ll never talk to her about.
“I don’t understand it, Jennifer. I’m not about to pretend that I do either. You were with a man that never wanted you for eighteen years and to make matters worse, you never left him.”
She laughs. “He left me.”
I tilt my head from side-to-side. “I suppose in a way he did.”
And then the atmosphere that was so fucking thick that you could cut a knife, turns into one that we’re both sitting on the couch and looking at each other for the first time since she came through the door.
“Seems like you have a lot of work to do,” she says as she points to the books that are sprawled out on the table.
“I’m supposed to do one hour per day. But so far after two days. I’ve done zilch.”
She nods. “Right. I better leave you to it.”
I shake my head as she attempts to stand up and leave.
“Don’t go. I couldn’t study because I had too much shit running through my mind.”
She shrugs. “Thanks.”
I shake my head. “No. I didn’t mean that you’re shit. I just meant that I’d been fantasizing about being with you for so long that after it happened well, I just wanted more and then you were cruel about it. Part of me thought that you were mocking me.”
“No, Jason. I wouldn’t do that. I just thought about so many things. Like I’m older. Your mom is my friend. Daniel’s your friend. How’s he going to be about all of this?”
I shrug. “I never even thought about him in all of this, because I just couldn’t get out of my mind about what happened at the pool. Shit, I don’t believe in love at first sight. I’m not even sure if I believe in love.”
She has worked some magic on me; I’m confessing things that I’ve never been able to voice out loud.