Oh. The whole thing is a machine—a portable ultrasound machine, I imagine. The top half of the case holds a monitor and the bottom a keyboard and what I assume is the rest of the machine. Along with a wand attached by a long wire that the doctor begins to uncoil.
She looks up at Xavier as she pulls out a cord from the other side. “Do you have somewhere I might plug in?”
Xavier hurries to drag the cord to a plug near the bed and soon the machine is beeping to life and the doc is sticking what looks like a condom over the wand and then up my hoo haa it goes.
She pokes it this way.
Then that way.
Then, holy shit— Is that—
A swift, steady wheeoo-wheeoo-wheeoo sound fills the bedroom.
My hand shoots out to the side where Xavier’s sturdy fingers grasp mine.
Wheeoo-wheeoo-wheeoo-wheeoo-wheeoo-wheeoo.
“That’s a strong, steady heartbeat,” Dr. Winthrop announces, smiling as she looks between me and Xavier.
I expel a relieved breath and then look up at Xavier. His eyes are glued to the screen where the doctor goes on to point out a small circle she says is a gestational sac and a little dot that’s apparently our baby.
“Since you’re so regular,” she smiles at me like it’s a personal accomplishment, “we can confidently say you’re seven weeks along.”
Seven weeks. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit!
Xavier’s hand squeezes around mine and I wonder if he’s having the same internal reaction. Like, yeah, I’ve been thinking—okay, obsessing—about the fact that we’re having a freaking baby. But it’s still been a kind of esoteric idea.
All of the sudden it feels real. Like, holy shit, this is actually happening. To me. I’m going to be a mom and Xavier a dad and holy shit!
I look at Xavier again with what probably looks like an insane Joker’s grin from the mix of excitement and terror running through my veins.
He’s looking at me this time and I have to swallow hard at what I see.
There’s a sheen over his eyes that he doesn’t bother blinking away. Instead he pulls me close and crushes me to his chest. He kisses the top of my head. “Precious,” he whispers barely loud enough for me to hear.
Oh my God. We’re having a baby. I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life.
Which means I’m not like my mother after all. I do have the capacity to love this baby. I can do everything differently.
Except…
I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
I pull out of Xavier’s grasp and turn to Dr. Winthrop. “Ok, so tell me everything I need to know. What are the dos and don’ts? What do I need to do so I don’t fuck up this kid while he or she is still inside me?”
If she hears the sudden panic in my voice, she doesn’t let on. She just ticks things off in a calm voice. “No highly strenuous physical activities. No running or jogging unless that’s already a part of your normal routine,” she pauses and I nod along.
“No high impact aerobics,” Xavier takes up where the doctor left off, listing them off on his fingers. He’s obviously already memorized this stuff. “No saunas or hot tubs—anything above 102 degrees can be unsafe.” No wonder he’s switched us to showers lately. God, he could have just told me.
But still, the fact that he’s already studied up on all this stuff kind of makes me want to jump him right here. Speaking of…
I look back to the doctor. “What about sex?”
She pauses in discarding the wand condom and looks up at me, mouth dropping open slightly before she closes it and resumes her professional manner. “Um. What about it?”
“When can I have it again?”
“Oh.” She looks surprised. “There’s no reason for you to have stopped, um…” her gaze shoots briefly back and forth between Xavier and me, “relations. Your cervix might be a little tender during your first trimester and there might be light spotting, but you’re perfectly healthy. It won’t cause any risk to the baby.”
My mouth drops open and I swing my head around to look accusingly at Xavier. “I thought she said we couldn’t—”
His mouth is a flat line. “I never said that. I just didn’t think it was a good idea considering—”
“I’ll be heading out now,” Dr. Winthrop says, probably wisely as she sees the daggers I’m shooting Xavier’s way. She wants to get out before the hormonal pregnant woman loses it on the baby daddy. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting or other books like it are a good resource to answer your questions and of course my line is always open to you.”
She closes up her machine, then takes it and her bag and makes a quick exit.
I’m left glaring at Xavier.
“You’ve been denying me for no reason at all? Not even any orgasms? I thought she’d told you the muscle spasms would be bad for the baby or something!” Maybe it sounds dumb now that I say it out loud—but I haven’t had access to Google.