After a moment she looks away from her computer. “Okay.”
And back to the computer screen she goes.
I sigh. It’s like it pains her to look at me and she can only take it in small doses.
“We need to pack up the nursery.”
She winces. “I know.”
I sigh. “I need you to help me so I know what to keep.”
She shakes her head. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” I implore. “Surely you want something?”
“No.” She slams her laptop closed.
She gets up and starts heading for the door.
“Where are you going?” I ask, but I already know.
“Away.”
By away, she means for a walk.
The door closes behind her with a soft click. That soft click is merely a reminder of how quiet she is now, how there’s no life to her.
I head to the window that opens onto the fire escape and sit down outside, letting my legs dangle over the edge, waiting for her to exit the building.
Sometimes I follow her on her walks, worried about her safety, but she doesn’t know I’m there. Or if she does, she doesn’t acknowledge my presence.
I don’t go today, giving her the time she needs alone. Today, is a hard day for her, for both of us. This was Beckett’s due date.
I pull out the pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I haven’t smoked in years, but after Beckett died and Nova shut down, I bought a pack. I haven’t smoked one yet, but it feels good having them. If I want one, it’s there.
Nova steps out of the building and tilts her head to the sky, her eyes closed. Her hair is in a long ponytail and it blows slightly in the wind. She inhales a breath and lowers her head. She turns left and starts walking toward the park.
I watch her until she leaves my sight. I know I should go back into the apartment, find something to busy myself, but I keep sitting there, and I know I’ll stay there until she gets back.
Nova
It’s hot, well above ninety, but there’s a breeze so it’s not entirely miserable.
I walk through the park, my thoughts going round and round.
I want things to be different. I don’t want to feel the way I do. But it can’t be helped and it’s not getting any better.
It’s been two months and the only thing I feel is emptiness.
I’m worried no one, and nothing, can fill the void that lives inside me now.
Jace … God, he tries. He tries so hard to make me happy, to be there, but the problem is I don’t want him to be there. I want to not be reminded constantly of what we lost, and Jace is definitely a constant reminder.
People tried to tell me in the beginning I could have another baby. I’m healthy and there’s nothing wrong with me, but it was the worst thing they could say. I don’t want another baby. I want Beckett.
It’s his due date today. I don’t know if Jace remembers, he hasn’t said anything, but I’m sure he does. He’s not the type to forget something like that.
I sit down on a bench, beneath the shade of a tree.