Halle-fucking-lujah. I considered telling her that was my plan, but instead I said, “I want to. Very much.”
She smiled so sweetly and all I could think about was making her happy. There was just one problem. Well two, I supposed if I considered Meredith Reynolds a problem. But my real concern was whether or not I’d made things worse for Holly by going after Stark the night before at the PTA meeting. As much as I liked that it had turned her on that I’d confronted him, I’d heard enough rumors to know he wasn’t a man to let a slight go. He said as much to me before he stalked off.
“Do you suppose Stark will leave us alone?” I asked, wondering her opinion.
She shrugged. “His main concern is getting back at Sinclair by having his candidate win the mayoral race. But he has resources and henchmen, so it’s possible he’ll come after us. I don’t know what he could do.”
In my mind, there was plenty he could do to thwart her library.
“We can handle whatever he throws at us. Can’t we?” she asked, all of a sudden looking concerned.
Not liking to see her worried, I took her hand. “Yes.” In that word I wasn’t just telling her that I was committed to helping her with Stark. I was telling her I was committed to her.
20
Holly
Inviting Tucker to move into my room didn’t mean I’d let go of all my concerns about us. No, those were still there full force. But it was obvious that I couldn’t resist him and I was tired of trying. Things would end when this fake marriage was over, and if not then, eventually it would end, so why not give in and enjoy my time with him while I could? Would it be hard when he moved on with his life. Yes. But I realized that it would be hard whether I continued to push him away or not. I was already attached to him and keeping him at arm’s length wasn’t working.
I wasn’t looking forward to the day our fake marriage ended. Even if he stayed for a time after that to build on whatever this was that we’d built, I wasn’t going to pin any hopes that we were creating something to last a lifetime. Being only twenty-four, he was too young to settle down.
His young age had nothing to do with maturity. He clearly had that. But when I was twenty-four, I was focused on starting my teaching career and enjoying life. I dated and went out with friends, never really having a serious relationship until years later. That’s what Tucker needed to be doing. Living life as a young man. Sowing his oats. Eventually, he’d exhaust whatever he was getting with me and move on. Until then, I’d enjoy our time together.
Several weeks into our marriage, and he was now basically living with me. We were like a real married couple since the night he’d taken on Stark. And it was wonderful. I wanted to fully embrace it and yet, all the worries and fears persisted. He was too young for me. What would people think? What if I let myself love him and he left me? It wasn’t like that sort of thing didn’t happen. Rick asked me to marry him, and then left just before our wedding.
It was hard to not love Tucker, though. As a person, he was smart, kind, funny, and extremely helpful. He fit in my house, fixing everything up, cooking for us, and at night holding me tight. In fact, I wondered what he was getting out of this arrangement, considering he was doing most of the work.
The thing that unsettled me the most was that I’d never felt the way I was feeling around him. Things were comfortable with us, not in a boring way, but in a puzzle-pieces-fitting-together-perfectly way. He accepted me the way I was; heavier, older, messier. I couldn’t remember ever seeing anyone that was so totally okay with how I was.
Rick often wanted me to lose weight. In fact, he’d sometimes suggested that my weight was why our sex life wasn’t better. I couldn’t imagine having better sex than I was having with Tucker. In that way, Tucker helped me accept myself and not take all the blame for what went wrong with Rick.
All this was running through my head in a constant loop since I’d moved him into my bedroom, distracting me at work. Fortunately, once I got my students down to Becky’s room for their art lesson, I could have a moment for myself.
After I dropped them off, I walked back to my classroom, stopping to look into Tucker’s room through the small window in the door. He was an animated and lively teacher and his students were enthralled with whatever he was teaching them at the moment.
I smiled and went back to my classroom, pulling out math assignments to grade, knowing my brain would automatically return to this morning and how Tucker had fucked me in the shower that morning. One perk of being with such a young man was how virile he was. Whenever I wanted him to touch me, he was ready to go. The shower, the kitchen, the living room, even the hallway. I’d thought all those sexual positions and moods found in movies and books were fiction. Rick and I had always had one speed and one position. Turns out the movies and books weren’t fiction at all.
A knock on my door brought me out of my reverie.
“Come in,” I called.
My heart stalled in my chest when Rick walked in.
“Rick.” Immediately, the old feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion rose above the sweet feelings I’d just been having of Tucker. With it came the insecurities of not having been enough. That I hated the most. It was one thing to have the pain of being abandoned, but being made to feel unworthy when I knew intellectually that I was a good person, that really galled me.
“Hi Holly.” He smiled sheepishly, like he was nervous, or maybe I was just reading into him what I wanted to see. I wanted to see remorse and regret in him.
“What are you doing here?” I stood from my desk, hoping it made me look strong.
He looked down for a second like he was gathering the nerve to speak. Then he looked up at me. “I…uh…I made a mistake, Holly. I shouldn’t have ever left you.”
What? “But you did.”
“I know and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve regretted it since the moment I left.”
I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. For weeks after he’d abandoned me, I’d dreamt of his coming back, begging my forgiveness and asking for a second chance. I’d have given it to him too. But now, things were different. Sure, I’d like to see him grovel, but I wouldn’t be so eager to take him back.
“I’m working Rick. I can’t talk about this now.”