Drawn in the middle of the page is a single lilac stalk, elegant and straightforward. My favorite flower, with a single phrase written in Noah’s distinct handwriting.
It started with a look.
A small heart is drawn in the corner with an arrow through it, and embossed is E+N=Forever.
Tears quickly brush down my cheeks as my stomach cramps again, making me nauseous enough that I have to run to the bathroom.
Spilling the contents of my stomach has become a semi-regular thing, and I can’t say I enjoy it very much. My stress levels have been through the roof, and I keep telling myself that’s the reason because I don’t want to acknowledge the more common and likely culprit that I suspect. Because if it is, then I’ll never be able to move on from Noah. I’ll have a daily reminder of the life I was never given a chance to live.
My mind filters back to the short, simple, yet meaningful note from the man. Anyone else would have sent flowers and chocolates. They would have pestered a girl until she was sick of him. Not Noah. He is giving me exactly what I asked for while still letting me know he’s thinking about me. Even his silence now feels more poignant.
The little voice in my mind keeps asking, 'but what if it wasn’t what I think? What if he was trying to protect me?'
What if?
So many possibilities, and yet, I’m not sure I could handle any of the answers right now. I’m too fragile. Too emotionally unstable to forgive or forget.
After brushing my teeth, I crawl back into the hotel room bed and stare at the note. Noah seems to know me better than anyone else. His thoughtfulness in creating this elegant piece is beyond what I could have asked for, and maybe, if I can find it in myself to try again, this could be where we truly begin.
Or maybe this is where he ultimately breaks me.
Perhaps I’m clutching at straws that aren't really there. Just because I want forever with Noah, doesn’t mean it should happen. We should happen.
My foolish heart naturally wants the happily ever after I’ve witnessed my brothers receive.
3
Ember
Three days have passed since I received Noah’s note, and there’s been no further contact. This constant pain I feel when I think about him, about what that note could have meant, is going to fracture me in a way I’m not sure I’ll recover from.
“Ember Daniels?” My head darts up at the mention of my name. The smiling nurse is waiting patiently for me at the hallway entrance to the exam rooms.
Blowing out a deep breath, I’m not prepared for the results from my last appointment the day after my recital. The day after Noah’s note. I needed to know for sure, and I figured the most accurate answer would come from a doctor and not some pharmacy test.
After showing me into the room and instructing me to dress in a gown, she tells me the doctor will be in shortly. Stripping off my shirt, I pull on the flimsy paper gown, back wide open, and shiver from the air conditioner breeze.
“Knock, knock!” Dr. Kane’s cheery voice filters through the thick wood panel as she opens the door. “Ember! Good news, you’re pregnant!”
My entire body freezes.
My heart stops, and my ears ring.
Pregnant.
Of course, I am.
“Ember?” The woman stands in front of me, a look of concern on her face as she pulls out a tiny machine with a wand on the end. “Can we take a listen?” The question seems obligatory as she guides me to lay down on my back before I can respond.
After a couple of minutes of her gliding the wand around, there it is. A small, yet steady, thump, thump.
A beating heart.
A growing life.
Inside of me.
“We’ll get you set up for an ultrasound so we can calculate how far along you are, but from when we spoke last time, you think you're about three months or so?” I nod, still too shocked to form words. “I’ll let you get dressed, and we’ll get that appointment set up.” With a sympathetic smile, she’s gone, and I’m still lying on the bed.