“Ember, look at me,” I demand, and she shakes her head. “Why the fuck not?”
“Because I don’t want to see…”
“See what?” Lifting her chin up with a finger, I search her wistful eyes. “What do you think you’re going to see, Ember?”
“Disappointment,” she finally mumbles.
Cupping her face in my hands, I lean my forehead against hers tenderly. “Never in a million years could I be disappointed about creating a life with you.” It’s in this moment that I realize she has no idea just how long I’ve been in love with her. I’ve done her an incredible disservice.
“But couldn’t you? I’m such a mess, and now this, this attack has my mind scrambling.” I can feel the desperation rolling off of her in murky waves of anxiety. Ember has only ever craved a family of her own.
“I will always love you, Ember. You make me feel a lot of things, but disappointment has never been one of them. A baby is a surprise, but a welcome one. There is no one on earth I’d rather have a child with than you.” Kissing her lips lightly, I pull back so I can stare into her eyes. “I’ve been in love with you longer than either of us even know. When Katrina and I fell apart, all I could feel was relief because it meant I could finally be with you. You were nearly an adult then, and I had to wait, but fuck has it been the sweetest reward.”
“Did you love her?”
Chewing on my bottom lip, I think about how to answer. “Maybe. I don’t know. What I felt for Katrina was never anything compared to what I feel for you. She didn’t drive me crazy and make my heart skip a beat when she smiled the way you do. She didn’t make me want to become a better man so I deserved her the way you do. If she made me feel anything, it was regret.”
“I’m scared, Noah.” Fresh tears roll across her temples, and I know we’re past my previous marriage. The torment in her eyes is all about what’s happening now.
“Of what?” I try to coax the answer out of her with a soothing tone.
Wincing when she sucks her lip into her mouth, Ember quietly says, “What if he did rape me? How will I ever be able to move on from that? Just the idea makes me revolt in protest.”
Sucking in a sharp breath, I have no idea how to help her here. This is new territory for me, but I know I have to say something. “How does not knowing make you feel?”
“Petrified,” she answers instantaneously.
“Why?”
Ember
Why?
How do I even answer that without sounding like a lunatic?
Obliviousness keeps me innocent. But knowledge? It makes me a victim, and I don’t want that.
I want Noah.
I want this baby.
I want my life to return to normal.
“I don’t want to be a victim, Noah,” I confess.
His gaze softens as he stares down at me. “Baby, you’re not. You’re a survivor, and no matter what you decide or what did or didn’t happen, that will never change. It’s because of you that we caught this prick. You saved countless other women from becoming his prey.”
A survivor?
A savior?
Neither of those feels right.
I feel bruised, broken, and ashamed.
But ignoring his possible violation just might ruin me.
“Would you stay with me?” I ask Noah.