“God, Sasha and TJ crack me up,” I said as we walked into Bronagh’s place. I smiled as I remembered their reaction when they found out that Bronagh taught at the culinary school.
“So, you’re her student?” TJ asked with a grin.
“Yeah,” I’d answered, hugging Bronagh close to my body. The crowd was thinning out, and we were saying our goodbyes. It was the first chance I’d gotten to really talk to the couple.
“That is so hot,” Sasha said, running her hand along TJ’s chest. “A forbidden romance.” She turned and leaned closer into TJ and said playfully, “Can we play student/teacher later?”
I laughed when TJ turned to me and mouthed, Thank you. Then jumped guiltily when my sister-in-law’s voice came out of thin air.
“Sasha,” Victoria admonished as she walked by, catching Sasha’s question to her husband. “There are children present.”
Sasha just rolled her eyes good-naturedly and tossed her brilliant red locks over her shoulder.
“Please, Tori, these kids can barely make gurgling noises, let alone understand what I’m saying.”
Victoria conceded, but had still shot us all a warning look as she continued on past us.
“Yeah, everyone was really nice,” Bronagh answered, pulling me back to the present. She seemed off; in fact, had been very quiet most of the evening.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, concerned. “Did someone say something that upset you? Was it Abby?”
“No, everyone was great. I’m glad I had a chance to meet them.”
“Then what is it?” I asked, my throat closing nervously when she indicated that I should sit on the couch, while she sat in the chair across from me.
“We need to talk.”
Now, I may not have been in a relationship before, but I’d seen tons of movies, and I knew it was never a good thing when your girlfriend said she needed to talk. I began to rack my brain to try and figure out what could have upset her, so I could come up with a rebuttal and stop the fight before it started.
“Okay,” I managed, my min
d spinning, but unable to come up with any reason why she’d be angry with me.
“You said you didn’t want children…” she said, more like a prompt than a question.
“Ah, yeah, that’s right,” I replied, still unsure of why that would cause a problem.
“Why not?” she asked, pushing her hair off of her face and leaning in, like she needed to read my every movement when I answered. “Is it the job? The music? Do you just not want kids now … or ever?”
Sensing the importance of my answer, I laid it all out.
“I never really thought about it growing up, having kids and becoming a dad, but when I got older, I realized it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. To bring kids into this world, and then possibly leave them the way my parents did … Like I said before, I’ve been without my parents almost as long as I was with them. I don’t remember anything about the first five years of my life anyway. I barely remember the nine years after that. I remember my mom taking me to soccer practice, and that my dad used to love to try and make her laugh, but that’s about it. I can’t remember what they look like, or how being with them made me feel … All I have are a few pictures, and my brothers.”
“So, you’re saying you don’t want to have kids because you might die and leave them?” Bronagh asked, and I don’t know if she tried to come off as condescending, but that’s how I took it.
“It may not sound rational to you, but that’s how I feel. I don’t want to do to a kid what was done to Brock. He had his whole life ahead of him, and everything changed in an instant. That’s a lot of pressure for a kid.”
“But the chances of that happening…”
“Yeah, I know, I get it. It’s slim, but there are enough kids out there, that whether or not I have any doesn’t really tip the scales. I’m happy to be an uncle, and to live my life without children of my own.”
Bronagh had her head down, and when she lifted it, the look on her face caused my heart to stutter.
“Well, I’m not.”
“What are you saying?” I asked, suddenly terrified of her answer.
“I’ve always wanted kids, but I wanted to be established and have a career first, so I focused on that. When I got married, I thought we’d start a family right away, but he was always career-minded and wanted to wait. When he eventually wanted to start, I was having doubts about our marriage, and didn’t want to bring children in to a shaky relationship … Then we got divorced. Now, I’m thirty-five, and I feel my opportunity slipping away. Even if I met someone and we decided in a few years we wanted to have kids, I’d be lucky to get pregnant with one, let alone have the three I’d always imagined.”