I remained as frozen as a statue, unable to follow my family who had just abandoned me. A small part of me was thrilled about seeing Alec again, and even happier to be alone with him. That was my sensible side. The vulnerable half of me wanted to cower in the corner.
"How have you been?" he asked, closing the distance between us. My limbs threatened to betray me. He was like a tractor beam, drawing me in. It took everything inside me not to throw my arms around him. Trying to clear my muddled head, I took a step backward to regain a small measure of dignity.
A half-dozen responses to his question sprang to mind. How was I? It was a loaded question. Did he want to know about the sleepless nights? How about the story I was currently writing that was channeling all my hurt? I was sure only one answer would satisfy him. "Fine," I lied, smiling brightly.
He nodded, taking another hesitant step toward me. My smile faltered. I couldn't keep up the charade with him so close. I was barely hanging on as it was.
I stepped backward again, only to run into one of the patio chairs. Of course, being me, I lost my balance and would have landed face first on the cement if not for Alec's quick reflexes. He reached out and snagged my wrist, keeping me on my feet.
His touch was as familiar and as warm as I remembered. It had been a month since we last saw each other, but it felt like no time had passed. Neither of us spoke as we looked down at his hand that clasped my wrist. His hold was not intimidating or confining. It was more a caress than a shackle, holding me gently in place.
My eyes moved to his, wondering what his game was. Did he know how susceptible I was to his touch? Couldn't he tell that he was stealing a piece of my heart every time he did this to me? Maybe he wouldn't be satisfied until he had shattered me into a thousand tiny pieces.
Not surprisingly, I couldn't find the words to end his games. It wasn't the first time he'd had me tongue-tied.
His eyes bore into mine as he made a confession. "It's funny, but I haven't been fine."
His words slowly filtered through my head as I tried to process them. "You haven't?" I finally croaked out.
He shook his head, running his hand gently up my arm. "I thought I'd be okay. I was sure I'd made the best decision. In my head, I thought it was crucial that I focus on what was important." He ran his hand back down my arm, clasping my fingers with his. "The only problem is I suddenly had the feeling I had walked away from something really special in my life." His eyes held mine, soaking in my response.
My heart thudded painfully in my chest, warning me not to trust him again. A voice in the back of my mind told me I was making this too easy for him.
"I tried to ignore it and move on, but every single damn thing reminded me of you. It didn't matter if it was a puddle in a parking lot or if I was driving by a Starbucks. You were everywhere I looked except the one spot I wanted you the most."
My eyes glistened at his words. Any resolve I had left was crumbling with everything he said. "Where is that?" I asked.
He tugged me until I was standing in his embrace. "Here in my arms. I'm sorry I was a fool, Nicole. I was scared and reacted the only way I could think of."
"It was too soon for me to lay that on you. I know that now," I said, taking ownership for my part.
"Does that mean your feelings have changed?"
I debated lying. Confessing how I was feeling had pushed him away once. What if I admitted that even though he'd broken my heart almost a month ago, I was still in love with him? I couldn't even convince myself that I didn't want him back. "Would it scare you away if I told you my feelings haven't changed?" What else could I do but pour my heart out and hope he didn't stomp on it? If that happened, at least I would have closure.
He tightened his arms around me. "Sweetheart, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Somewhere along the way, maybe it was in New Orleans or hell, it could have been the first time I saw you and you were soaking wet. At some point, I fell for you. I was just too stupid to listen to my feelings. When that asshole put his hands on you, I wanted to kill him. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to let the police handle it. I wanted to break every single finger on his hands." His voice was ragged and thick with emotion. "Then selfishly, I was the one who turned out to be the asshole who hurt you. It took me going home without you to make me realize what you had come to mean to me."
I shook my head in confusion. "You expect me to believe that? If all that's true, you could have come see me as soon as I returned home."
"I wanted to. I swear, but I convinced myself I didn't deserve you, that you would be better off without me. I come with a whole lot of baggage, and I tend to make poor decisions constantly."
"Do you love me?" I was sick of hearing excuses. If he couldn't answer that one question, then any more talk was pointless. My voice shook slightly, but I didn't look away from his eyes.
"More than what's probably healthy."
"And you expect me to trust you? You rejected me not once, but twice, indicating both times that I would somehow mess up your life. That's some heavy-ass baggage to lay on someone. I don't think I can be with you. I'd always be afraid you'd walk away at the drop of a hat." My words were raw and piercing. I had basically closed the door on a relationship with him. The thought nearly kneecapped me.
He looked thunderstruck, taking several moments to answer. "Babe, I know I don't deserve your trust, but I'm willing to show you. I'm not going anywhere. I've sucked at commitments in the past, pushing everyone away when they get close, but I want to fight for us. I believe in this. Please, let me prove it to you. Let me have the chance to woo you. To prove I want you in my life."
I almost caved. I wanted to so badly my knees trembled, but I held myself rigid. He'd already crushed my heart once. Another rejection might damage it beyond repair. "You want me in your life now, but what about six months later when you're neck deep in medical school and you begin to think I'm holding you back again?"
He stepped closer, placing my hand over his chest and holding it in place. "I can't see into the future, but I promise you that's not going to happen. This past month has been hell without you. I want you in every aspect of my life—in my bed, in my arms and next to my side. Will you let me prove it?"
His words took my breath away and my resolve began to crumble. I searched his eyes, seeing nothing but naked truth in them. After a long, hesitant pause, I finally nodded my head.
He pulled me tightly to his chest to capture my lips.
I placed my hands against him, holding him back. "Not so fast. You're going to have to prove it first, just like you said you wanted to do. No kisses, no intimate touching or anything else. I want to know that you want me, not just sex."