“That’s it, isn’t it?” he said, backing off from her, his expression closing. “This is about last night.”
“Shaw—”
“No, I get it. You want out, and this is an easy way.” His jaw clenched. “For all your talk of acceptance and not judging and ‘You’re a different person from your family’ speeches, you finally realized who you were sleeping with. It finally sank in, and now you want no part of it.”
She pressed her lips together, breathing hard through her nose. She wanted to tell him no, that wasn’t it at all. That she loved him. That last night had ripped her open. That she wanted to be with him so badly, it made her bones hurt. But what was the point? This was an unfixable situation. There were no solutions. And she was losing sight of too many things, being wrapped up in him. The biggest favor she could do them both was to end it.
So as hard as it was, she said what she needed to say to make it clean. No questions. No gray area.
“If I deserve happiness, you think I can find it here with you? With your fake name and this half life? You gonna step out into the light of the world to be with me?”
His throat worked, and lines appeared around his eyes like her knife had landed deep. His voice was strained when he finally spoke. “You know I can’t. You wouldn’t want people to know who I am either. You wouldn’t hurt your family like that.”
“You’re right. I wouldn’t. So this life you say I deserve? You’re not the one who can give it to me.”
The comment was brutal. The truth. They both knew it. But it hurt like hell anyway.
Shaw dipped his head. “No. I can’t.”
His utter acceptance of her statement gutted her. Her eyes burned, but she forced herself not to cry. Her voice was softer when she spoke again. “We always knew this would end.”
He lifted his head, meeting her eyes, resignation there. “It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this.”
“Guess we both fucked up then.”
He raked a hand through his hair, grabbing the strands between his fingers as if he were going to pull it all out. “Taryn, maybe we could…”
“I can’t,” she said, cutting him off before he could offer her some shred of something that could tempt her. She was too afraid she’d grab at it. “We can’t. Today proved I’ve let this go too far. It’s not fair to either of us to drag it out. When the fund-raiser is over this weekend, I…won’t be coming back to the gym.”
His eyes revealed pain, but he nodded. “Right.”
She looked down at her feet. “I’ve really gotta go.”
He tucked his hands in the pockets of his track pants and gave her a look devoid of all emotion. “So go.”
The icy chill in the words stung, but she didn’t want to extend that painful feeling in her chest any longer. Her parents were waiting for her. Her real life was waiting for her.
This had just been a road trip through some land that didn’t actually exist. She and Shaw had created a fictional, protected world between them with pretend characters. Taryn, the carefree woman who could shack up with her trainer, and Lucas, the quiet athlete who was just looking for some companionship. It had been a wonderful escape. But it hadn’t been real.
She packed up the rest of her things, slipped on her shoes, and walked out without a goodbye.
Their fictional story was over. Turn the page. The end.
* * *
Two hours later, Taryn was sitting in the grass next to her mother in front of her sister’s grave, grief filling every empty space inside her. Selfish grief for what had happened this morning with Shaw. Familiar grief for what lay before her. But she’d cried enough on the way here to leave her eyes dry.
Bright gerbera daisies filled the permanent vases next to the headstone. They’d been Nia’s favorite flower because they came in so many colors, but Taryn found herself wondering if they would’ve remained her sister’s favorite or if she would’ve changed her opinion by now. If she would’ve picked something more sophisticated in her adult years. They’d never know. That made Taryn want to cry again, but she managed to take a deep breath and quell the urge.
Her father was standing alone under a nearby tree, doing his own version of visiting his daughter’s grave site, which meant pulling up weeds he found around headstones and humming. Daddy had always preferred to keep busy when it came to the sad things, so he had to take out his grief and anger on plant species that hadn’t earned the right to be there.
Her mother was next to her on the blanket, her legs tucked to the side as though she were seventeen instead of in her sixties, and her hands were clasped in prayer. The wind was gentle around them, rustling the leaves of the big trees that guarded the cemetery and blending with the chirping of the birds. Taryn tried to get in touch with the peacefulness of it all, but her thoughts and emotions were knotted inside her like thorny vines, and she couldn’t get comfortable.
Her mother finished her prayer and turned to Taryn with a somber smile. “I’m glad you could finally make it today.”
Taryn didn’t miss the dig. “Me too. I’m sorry I was so late.”
Her mom looked toward the headstone. “Sweetie, can you believe I called your sister this morning and she was at some strange man’s house? You’d think I’d raised you girls to be more careful and discerning than that.”