She shoved the covers aside, slipping from his hold, and got out of the bed. Her stitched-together emotions felt as if they were unraveling thread by thread. “Nothing, all right? I just need to go.”
He flinched at her tone. “Baby, if there’s something I can do to help—”
She looked at him, feeling like she was about to crumble in front of him, just fall apart right there and dump a whole bunch of emotional shit at his doorstep. She could not let that happen right now. She needed to get out of there. “Thanks, but you can’t help. No one can. I forgot it was my sister’s birthday. We always spend the day as a family. And I forgot. And my mother is smart enough to know what kind of friend’s house I was sleeping at. One who calls me ‘baby.’”
Shaw grimaced. “I’m sorry about that. You looked so upset.”
“Not your fault. This is completely mine.” One hundred percent, totally hers. Being here. Getting so involved with someone that she’d lost sight of what was most important. How could she ever let herself forget? “I’ll deal with it. I need to get dressed.”
She left the bedroom and started searching around for her clothes, but Shaw followed her out soon after. She’d managed to tug on her jeans and shirt, but before she could reach her socks, Shaw intercepted her, putting his hands on her biceps and halting her hectic search. “Hey, look at me.”
She didn’t want to, didn’t know if she could keep from crying much longer, but she forced her gaze his way. “What? I need to get ready. I’m already late.”
“Hey,” he said, his tone softer. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“Do what?” She jutted her chin out, trying to scare him off this track. “Go? I have to go.”
“No. I mean, don’t beat yourself up. It was an honest mistake. You have the right to not be perfect. You’re going to forget things sometimes. You have a lot going on.”
Her molars pressed hard against one another as she tried to keep tears from appearing. “You don’t understand,” she said finally. “I don’t forget.”
His gaze held hers. “Maybe you should sometimes.”
His voice was gentle, but her spine went straight and stiff as if he?
?d yelled. “Maybe I should forget?”
He let out a breath. “You know what I mean. You’ll never forget. Neither will I. But it’s okay to tuck the painful stuff in a closet every now and then and take a damn breather. You’ve dedicated your life to this. Every day. Your whole career is focused on this. It’s a beautiful, admirable thing, but when do you get a break?”
“A break? Are you kidding?” Her voice had risen in volume, but she couldn’t help it. “That’s what I’ve been doing for goddamned months. That’s why I forgot.”
“No, you haven’t been on a break, Taryn,” he said, frustration in his voice. “You’ve been working your ass off on a fund-raiser and in between trying to live a little bit of your life. That’s not something to feel bad about.”
“I forgot, Shaw.”
“You lost track of time. Good. I know what remembering every damn second does to a person. I’ve been there. It’s a dangerous house to live in,” he said, his expression going grim. “You saw where my head went last night. Memories can fucking drown you if you let them.”
“I can’t change the memories, Shaw.” She snatched up her socks and tugged them on.
“I know that. All I’m saying is that it’s okay if you lost track for a minute. You haven’t done anything wrong. So you’ve been spending time with a guy, enjoying yourself a little in between all your work. It’s nothing to apologize for. You deserve your own life. Don’t let your parents make you feel like that’s not okay. Don’t make yourself feel bad for wanting that.”
The thought was ludicrous. “You don’t get it. This is not okay. It’s not okay that I forgot. It’s not okay that I picked you to be with despite all the obvious risks. It’s not okay that last night there was a very real possibility I could explode my entire life and destroy my parents in the process. It’s all so very not okay. Don’t you see how goddamned selfish all that is?”
He winced like she’d punched him. “Taryn…”
“I’m not blaming you. This is my doing, but don’t act like you get it. I don’t get to take on a new identity and pretend I’m someone else. This is it.” She put her hand to her chest. “This is all I’ve got. I’m the sister. I’m the one who’s going to fix things. I’m the one who keeps my parents going. I don’t get a vacation from things like you do.”
He scoffed and dropped his arms to his sides. “You think this is a vacation? Look around at my life. I’m in hiding, Taryn. My parents don’t even speak to me anymore. I live my life looking over my shoulder. I can’t even take you on a proper date without worrying who’s watching. I can’t be with you the way I want to be with you. I’m not asking for sympathy because it’s my own fault, but damn.”
She winced and shook her head. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I know this isn’t an easy life for you. But me forgetting like this, being so selfish, is a betrayal. To my family. To Nia.”
A pained look crossed Shaw’s face and he stepped closer. “Wanting to have your own happiness isn’t a betrayal. That isn’t selfish. You deserve that. Wouldn’t Nia want that for you?”
Taryn went rigid. “Do not use her name against me like that.”
“Use it ag— Come on, you know that’s not what I’m doing.” He ran a hand over his face. “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”
She looked away, her fists balling.