She met his stare, her eyes shiny. “I think that’s the only reason they didn’t shoot me. Because I helped.” She rolled her lips together, obviously trying to keep herself from crying. “I helped them kill my sister and all those people.”
“No,” he said instantly, stepping closer and putting his hands on her upper arms, rubbing them as if she was cold. “No, you didn’t. Don’t do that to yourself. That’s… They tricked you. They would’ve gotten in some other way.”
She shook her head. “You don’t know that. Maybe they would’ve gone to another door and gotten caught. Maybe the security guard at the main door would’ve seen something. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Believe me, I’ve considered all the scenarios.”
Shaw stared at her, hurting for her. She was carrying around guilt she didn’t deserve. How much weight must that be for her to bear? Only the police knew. She’d held it inside. No one had assured her it wasn’t her fault. Something clicked. “This is why you’re so determined to set things right. You think you owe something to everyone.”
“Of course I do,” she said as if that wasn’t even debatable. “I owe a debt I could never, ever repay. But I’m also doing it because I don’t want anyone else to go through what I’ve been though, what my friends have been through.” She shook her head. “So I get not wanting the press in your face. The cops kept this information sealed once they cleared me of being an accomplice because they knew how people would attack me. To imagine anyone knowing this about me sends me into a cold sweat. I’ve never even told my parents. I mean, how could I tell them that I helped Nia get…”
“You didn’t help,” Shaw repeated, giving her arms a gentle squeeze. “But if you’ve told no one, why are you telling me?”
“Because I want you to know I understand wanting to hide, but if this information stood between me being able to live my life, I’d tell. The price is too high. There are other options.”
“Other options? I appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me, but it’s not the same.” He let his hands fall to his sides. “People would forgive you. You were a kid who made a mistake with zero bad intent. People aren’t going to change their mind about me. No matter what reason I give for why I attacked that reporter. That paired with my family history is a damning sentence. I can’t help you.”
She looked down, the strong woman looking suddenly fragile as a bird. Defeated.
He released a breath, not wanting to say what he was about to but feeling like he owed her honesty in return for hers. “My girlfriend. That was the ‘her’ in the video. The reporter, this sleazy guy who worked for a gossip website, was always following me and hounding me. I’d learned to deal with it mostly, but that day…he’d yelled out that he knew my girlfriend was pregnant.”
Taryn’s head snapped up.
Shaw’s lips wanted to clamp down and cut off the words, but he forced them out anyway. “I knew if he had that information, he’d been stalking her outside of doctor’s appointments or something because we hadn’t told anyone yet. I was a mess back then and on edge. The unexpected pregnancy had me freaked out. So I was already pissed he had this news and let him know it. Then he asked me if I was worried the baby would be a killer like my brother.”
Taryn’s face went slack. “Oh my God.”
“Yeah. I just…lost it.” Shaw looked toward the other side of the gym, trying to keep the old feelings from welling up. “The girl and I were already on shaky ground, but after the assault charge and the video made the news, she ended the pregnancy without telling me.” Saying the words out loud made his chest hurt. “Turns out, she was worried about exactly that, that she was carrying damaged goods. Me attacking the reporter and getting diagnosed with an anger disorder sealed the deal.”
Taryn’s face shifted into stunned disbelief. She put her hand over her mouth.
“So, yeah. I’m not going to the press with that,” he said. “Besides, there’s nothing to say to change people’s minds. The circumstances still didn’t give me the right to hurt that guy like I did.”
“Maybe not the right, but a damn good reason,” Taryn said, some fire coming back into her voice. “That’s a disgusting thing to say to someone. And I’m so sorry, Shaw. That she… I’m sorry. I can’t imagine.”
“Yeah.”
She stared at him for a long moment. He had to look away. He didn’t want to see pity there. He didn’t want to feel what those memories brought up. He didn’t want to admit that losing a child that way had been like someone cutting out his heart. He also didn’t want to admit he’d had the same worries as his girlfriend about the baby. What if his genes were damaged? What if he was so damaged that he’d mess up a child’s life?
“Thank you for telling me,” Taryn said, a sad edge to he
r voice. “I’m sorry I suggested the press. I won’t push you like that again without knowing the whole story.”
He nodded, relieved she was seeing logic and that the matter was settled. “Thanks.”
She took an audible breath. “But I’m going to stand by the fact that isolating yourself like this is not healthy.”
“Not healthy?” He smirked, trying to get this conversation far, far away from where they’d wandered. “Now you know my story and that I have an anger disorder, so you’re gonna give me a therapy session, doc?”
“Oh, don’t give me that shit,” she said, quiet sass entering her tone. “I’m just being straight with you. And I hope they used more evidence than one attack to diagnose you. You were provoked in a vicious way at a vulnerable time. That’s a one-off, not a pattern of behavior.”
He looked away.
“But what I was going to say is that even if you don’t come out publicly, you can’t keep living like this.”
He grunted. “Believe me, I can.”
“Nope.” She pursed her lips. “I can prove it’s not healthy or sustainable, that it is a doomed plan.”
“Oh really,” he said, annoyance returning.