That’s not just what I do. It’s who I am. The mission that got me into the FBI in the first place is still unfinished. That’s what gets me up in the morning. I can’t sleep if I think the bad guys are winning.” He ran a hand over his face, the sudden weariness adding shadows to his features. “I’m not a guy who’s husband material. I’m not going to be a dad. I’m not anything you want or deserve.”
The warmth of the room faded as a chill crept over her skin. She swallowed past the dryness in her throat. “Whoever said I was looking for a husband or to have kids?”
His jaw flexed, his gaze finding hers. “You’re telling me you don’t want to?”
She wet her lips, trying to figure out her feelings and not betray them on her face. “I…don’t know. If you’d asked me a few weeks ago, I would’ve said no without hesitation. I saw what losing my mom did to my dad. I saw all of those parents at Long Acre, how losing their kids destroyed them. Who wants to invite that kind of anguish into their life?”
“And now?”
She let out a breath and sank onto the edge of the bed. “Now, I don’t know. A few weeks ago, I also didn’t realize how sterile my life was. Empty of the sad, hard stuff, but also empty of the good stuff. I mean, today, Rebecca Lindt of all people was concerned about me, like genuinely concerned. I can’t think of anyone in my life outside my family who would give a damn if I quit my job or not, if I was making mistakes or not. So even though it’s messier, having someone care or try to interfere, it was also…nice.”
“Rebecca’s good at interventions,” he said dryly. “She should’ve been a therapist. A bossy therapist.”
Liv looked up. “Is that what she was doing with you?”
“She was warning me that I’m going to hurt you again.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “She’s right.”
Liv’s belly dipped, that familiar feeling of sorrow trying to bubble up, but she tamped it down and forced a small smile. She reached for his hand. “Don’t you think I know that?”
His frown lines cut deeper.
“Come on, Finn. I’m not some wide-eyed seventeen-year-old anymore. I realize the high of the happiness I feel this summer with you will come with an equal level of sadness when you leave.” She linked her fingers with his. “But it’s two sides of the same coin. You don’t get to have only one side or the other. You have to put the whole thing in your pocket and take both, or you get nothing at all. I don’t want to live with empty pockets anymore.” She pulled him closer until he was towering over her. “You asked what this is? This is worth both sides to me. You are worth both sides.”
Finn closed his eyes, anguish there, and lowered himself to his knees in front of her. She took his head in her hands and pressed her lips to his hair.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly, “but I can’t seem to stop myself from wanting you.”
Her ribs cinched tight, stealing her air for a second. “Finn…”
He looked up, pushing her hair away from her face, apologies in his eyes. “It’s selfish. I feel like a vampire, taking all I can from you, sucking up the light before I have to go back into the cave. I’m trained to evaluate worst-case scenarios. This scenario is only going to get worse the longer I stick around, but I can’t stop, even when I know I should walk away now. I can’t quit you. Tell me to leave you alone, Liv. Tell me you don’t want me here.”
The words wound through Liv like a song, a melancholy one that simultaneously made her want to smile and cry. She stared at him, at the earnest green eyes, the stubbled cheeks, the beautiful sweet boy who’d turned into a beautiful caring man. One who thought he was breaking his personal code by being here with her, putting her heart at risk. She slid her hands onto his shoulders. “I’m not going to lie to you. And what’s the worst-case scenario? I fall in love?”
He winced and glanced away.
“Right.” She leaned forward and brushed her lips over his cheek, bravery swelling in her. “I have good news then.”
He met her gaze.
“You’re already too late. Worst-case scenario achieved. So you might as well ride it out to the end now and make it worth it.”
He inhaled a sharp breath, his expression going slightly panicked. “Liv.”
She pressed her fingers over his mouth, her heart beating wildly but her voice staying steady. “Don’t freak out about what’s already done. When you leave, no matter what, you can know that you gave me a gift. You reminded me that I’m capable of feeling this.” She looped her arms around his neck. “Now let me feel it, Finn. Don’t take that away by trying to protect me. I don’t need your protection. I just need you to be yourself with me. I love you. And you will leave. And I will be okay.”
She said the words almost more to herself than to him. She had to believe that. Had to hold on to that. Because there was no putting the feelings back in a box. They were there. Maybe had always been there on some level, waiting to bloom again. They would come along with a broken heart, but for the first time in longer than she could remember, she felt fully present. Alive. Real.
For that, she would pay the price.
Finn slowly rose to his feet, taking her with him, and wrapped his arms around her waist, some of the tension melting out of him. “That much I can give you. You want me. Here I am. Selfish, wants-to-be-with-you-all-summer, damn-the-consequences me.”
Her lips curved. “Excellent. Now can I get back to using you for your body?”
Finally, some light came back into his eyes, and he traced his finger along her lower back where her T-shirt was riding up. “Yes, on one condition.”
She shivered at his touch. “What’s that?”
“You’re not allowed to sleep in the guesthouse anymore. If I can’t hide, neither can you. You sleep with me.” His hand slipped lower, beneath her sleep shorts, teasing at the band of her panties.