“It’s not using if I offered,” he said, but didn’t look up.
“Yes, it is. You offered because you’re a good friend. Because you’re a fixer. You were trying to fix me.” He sighed. “The selfish part of me wanted to say yes. But I’ve got enough fucking regrets already. I didn’t want to add more, especially at your expense. So I tried to find other ways to get by.” The ice cubes in Hayes’s glass clinked. “I started playing in Hayven.”
Ren lifted his head at that. Hayes’s expression was tense, like it’d taken a piece of him to admit that. Like he was ashamed. He needn’t be. “I already know about Lenore.”
Hayes’s attention flicked upward. “Wait, what?”
Ren shrugged and poured himself more whiskey, though he didn’t drink it yet. “I overheard you talking to her one night when you didn’t realize I was home yet. I didn’t meant to eavesdrop, but the name Lenore is pretty unique. So when I signed into the game the next time and saw that she only played with Dmitry, I put two and two together. Plus, I remembered that your mom’s family was Russian. Dmitry made sense.” Ren frowned. “You could’ve told me, you know. It’s not like I’m going to judge you for playing.”
Hayes shook his head and scraped a hand through his hair. “I didn’t want you to know because it’s fucking embarrassing. The big bad dominant relegated to virtual sex and his own hand. It’s pathetic.”
Ren leaned forward on his elbows. “You think the players in our game are pathetic? That Lenore is?”
“You know that’s not what I mean,” he groused.
“You used it for exactly the purpose we created it. As a safe place. Before I knew you were playing, I figured you were just relying on porn.”
“Maybe I should’ve gone that route instead,” Hayes said grimly and took another pull of his drink.
“Why?”
“Because this isn’t existential drinking. It’s breakup drinking.”
Ren lifted his eyebrows. “Come again?”
Hayes scoffed. “Leave it to me to fuck up even the simplest things. Lenore was supposed to be a means to an end, a distraction. Something to make sure I didn’t get weak and do something stupid—like take you up on your offer. I wasn’t supposed to get to know her or like her. I picked her because her avatar was so over the top—like she was there to be shallow and make it all about sex. But somehow, in the sea of people in Hayven, I managed to choose this sexy, fascinating woman. And I got attached. Can you believe that shit? I don’t get attached to subs. You know how I am.”
Ren took a sip of his drink. “I’m guessing she bailed?”
“No. I did,” he said with a heavy breath. “I wasn’t the only one to get attached. I had to end things tonight because she was starting to let it affect her outside relationships. I’ve strung along a woman who should’ve never been wasting time on me and I hurt her tonight. And I know I’ve been hurting you, too.” He looked up. “It feels like no matter what I do, I’m screwing things up or hurting people because I’m having to live scared. And I’m tired of it. I’m fucking angry, man. My life’s been stolen away. And I have no idea how to find my way back. And that . . . is pissing me the hell off.”
Ren took a breath, something like relief stirring in his chest. This is what he wanted to see. Angry Hayes. Hayes who wasn’t going to take shit lying down. The Hayes who’d risked his own safety to make sure Ren didn’t get into Gordon’s car that Christmas Eve night. The man who’d saved him and challenged him to be more.
Ren met Hayes’s stare. “Maybe it’s time you stop looking for a way back and look for a way forward.”
Hayes’s jaw flexed. “And how am I supposed to do that?”
“You said it yourself. You’ve been living scared. Stop.”
“Right. Sure. It’s that simple,” Hayes said, sarcasm dripping from his words.
“It can be.” Ren pushed the stool back and stood, something settling inside him and an utter calm coming over him. “You said you wanted me. You said you were tempted. If that’s the truth, then come to bed, Fox. Take what you wanted back then. What we both wanted. Stop being scared that we’re not strong enough to handle it.”
A tortured look flashed through Hayes’s eyes. “Ren . . .”
He put his hand out. “I can’t be your Lenore. But I know how to submit. And I promise I’m a whole lot better than a whiskey hangover.”
FOURTEEN
Hayes stared at Ren’s outstretched palm, the ache in his chest making him feel like he was going to crack open. “I said I don’t want to use you.”
Ren stepped closer, took the glass out of Hayes’s hands, and drained the contents. Hayes couldn’t help but watch his throat work, couldn’t stop his gaze from sliding down Ren’s bare chest, the tattooed skin, the beautiful lean body he was almost as familiar with as his own.
When Ren plunked the glass back on the counter, there was a calmness there in his eyes. “Use me, huh?”
Hayes swallowed. Nodded.
Ren’s lips lifted at the corner. “I hate to break it to you, but I’m not some dude you picked up at a bar. I’m not one of those guys you experimented with in college. This isn’t a hookup, Fox. We’ve been in a relationship since we were seventeen.” Ren leaned forward. “You wouldn’t be using me. You’d be consummating what’s already there.”